Biznik networking that doesn't suck?

Hi there -

Why wouldn't you express yourself?

I guess I would need to know more about what kind of free-for-all roast is missing for you. As a smart-aleck myself, I'm all for not taking things personally. On the other hand, I haven't felt the need to slam anyone here.

I feel like I'm missing something.

Molly

My mother always told me, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

In Career Warfare, a fantastic book by David D'Alessandro, he says there's no need to talk badly about anyone. If you think poorly of someone, you're not likely alone. Let the negative comment come out of someone else's mouth.

Another reason not to be negative: you may just make your comment to someone who likes your target. Then you've alienated yourself from that person. It could all be avoided with a little discretion on your part.

Makes sense to me.

i for one have always spoken my mind, here or anywhere else. sometimes i have generated quite a bit of static over it, and sometimes i have regretted the outcomes generated by my own urge to share my point of view.

i can't think of any place i have been able to truly let express every side of who i am. seems like one has to find several places that match our respective facets. home is the only place where one can let it all hang out, and if you share that space with others then you have to consider how your actions and/or words make them feel.

only inside my own self can i be truly honest in every respect. unfortunately, having the freedom to be honest isn't enough. one still has to have the courage to face the things we wish not to see.

could it be that there is some internal dissonance that is seeking expression dearest Sierra? if so, you know i am here in this community that i sometimes find myself at odds with. Thanks to Biznik, you know where to find me, and if you are the only genuine connection i've made here then being here has been worth it.

my two cents, just

Sierra,

Do you have any examples where Biznik makes you feel like you cannot express yourself? The only two I can think of are the only face shot photos and real names are allowed rules.

I may be wrong but I feel that Biznik represents the general society to me. There are rules of conduct (though mostly unspoken) in our daily lives when we interact with people and certain sides to our personality stays unrevealed. I don't necessarily hide myself but I don't feel that people need to know everything about me. Showing your true colors have to do with feeling safe enough to do so…. that is without fear of judgment or prosecution…

I tend to think that the need to belong is greater than the need to be an individual. Because belonging is a basic need just as eating and sleeping are. Humans are social beings, they have to belong. Period.

In terms of expressing our opinions here at the forum... We are free to do so and there are consequences -whether it's getting kicked off the website or people judging you. Expecting to do what we want without any consequence doesn't seem realistic to me. That kind of freedom doesn't even exist between my best friend and I! I want people to respect my boundaries and I do my best to respect theirs.

The concept of freedom has always been baffling to me. We are free to do what we want as long as it doesn't disrespect someone else's way of doing things. I have a feeling that our egos get involved and we want to be right, make others wrong and no one wins...

Maybe I went off on a tangent here but that’s where I needed to go I guess. :)

Yeah, you made me a little nervous, too, with all that talk about a "business support group". How lewd.......

I hear your frustration Sierra. It can't feel good to have your article turned down. Maybe this even makes you feel rejected personally. I won't stand here and tell you how to feel... It's hard to not take things personally. I admire and respect your courage to express how you feel. I honestly do. We all can learn something from this.

Hey Miss Boat Rocker! I love that you bring this up.

I don't agree with "don't say anything" if you cannot find something nice to say. That does not move things forward in the world--people who have caused the biggest difference in history were people brave enough to step up and say what was not working.

I am not referring to saying bad things about people. I am referring to showing your true colors, offering an alternative, being critical and not being afraid to speak up when you don't like something or if you don't agree.

I don't want a bland biznik where everyone is milquetoast and people only say the nice or accepted things but suppress their critical thinking. And there are ways to do this gracefully and not alienate people while you are at it.

Banu makes a good point about the need to belong. Many people will self-censor out of a fear they will be rejected. I like that you are not afraid to speak up, to ask hard questions, to get people thinking.

A nod to Frank for asking for some specifics.

I personally think you should be able to include a “kink-friendly” comment in your event title just as people are hosting “dog-friendly” events for business owners. After all, what do dogs have to do with business? They are part of some business owners’ lives, just as the kink-friendly lifestyle is part of other business owners lives. I believe you did this before and many people attended. Is this not allowed anymore?

I think I get it, Sierra, you don’t feel like you can be fully yourself here. I think I would be frustrated if I were in your shoes too.

I appreciate that Dan and Lara have tried to set a tone of respect here and that they won't allow this site to become a free-for-all where people act rudely or anonymously. Biznik is a community, unlike so many sites where people come and go and say things without care for how it impacts the whole. They have also allowed some good debate on this site and I believe they are doing their best to be fair. Maybe this thread will lead to some solutions.

I think you’ve brought up a good question here and I hope more people will honestly weigh in on it. It might be that biznik as a whole is more conservative than you want it to be. As response rolls in, I guess you’ll find out.

Sierra - Dan also rejected an article that I submitted. And, it was a staid topic (If I recall, it was about being cautious with investing, or some other ordinary type of topic).

But, the simple fact was that it did not fit the criteria set for articles - And, in reviewing the article, I understood and respected his reason for rejecting it.

As for Dan, Laura, et al looking to control the occurrence of certain wording on the web site, I can understand that this is not censorship, but may be for very practical reasons. - Such as protecting the site itself, as well as all of us individually, from spamming.

And, as I am sure you would acknowledge, one of the most vulnerable and abused topics for spammers is “sex”.

Thus, the more occurrence of this (and related wording) attracts the spam sharks, who can quickly decimate web sites and mail boxes.

I’ve seen this happen on two web sites , and it was just tragic. They were simple, small community web sites, that gave complete freedom to posters. But, once the spam attacks started, it became impossible for the managers of the sites to handle it. So, they shut them down.

Like yourself, the posters presented the topic(s) in a sophisticated and responsible way - But, the (spammer’s) web crawlers did not read the posting(s) content, only the presence of individual words.

Wow- great topic, I'm glad you brought it up. And, I really hear that you want to be able to be yourself, and it hasn't worked- you've been told not to use certain words, or topics.

I don't have any answers, but we've had clients, currently and in the past, who are running businesses that specifically about sex and intimacy, in very explicit ways, and we really worked with them to help them market it.

It's a topic that is desperately needed, in a healthy way, in a culture. Sex is under the radar, and yet we want to hold it as sacred, yet without trivializing it or hiding it. It's a balance. And without dealing with it head-on, it comes out in all kinds of strange and damaging ways.

And, I also get what I'm guessing Dan and Lara's POV is- that articles need to be directly business related- I have no idea if yours was or not- and also the issue of spam that comes flying when you talk about sex.

I know that they were considering creating a place for people to post non-business related articles in their own profiles, and not in the Learn section, so that if people were interested in the topic of your business, they could go and find your own articles on specific subjects. I'd love to see that offered to you.

So, I'm glad you brought it up.

I LOVE the way you rock the boat Lady! I really need to hang out with you more - more than running into you at various places at random. haha.

I've been a boat rocker for as long as I can remember. I've never fit in the nice little boxes people create in their heads to categorize people. I have many facets to my persona, many appearances, etc.

More love, tolerance....less fear. AMEN.

Thank you for being more specific about the constraints you've experienced.

Given that there was no objection to your using the terms in your descriptions, I'm wondering if one concern of using sex-positive and kink-friendly in the title of an event may have to do with filters, search engines, and the like.

"Roast me and tell me that I am creating something out of nothing... that my feelings of walking on eggshells are are perhaps just all in my head.?"

I'm not going to roast ya, but...hmm...maybe.

I followed the thread but I'm still confused (not the first time). Is it that you feel the need to censor yourself or that someone else is censoring you? Do you resent biznik-ers for leaning on the nice side? Aren't there enough flaming comments and arguments on the internet already?

It's a business networking community. I believe that part of business is being friendly, polite, and helpful. However, I don't think that anyone (even in a business situation) should keep their mouth shut when they see that the emperor is naked.

On the flip side, I prefer not to talk politics, sex, or religion in business unless the project calls for it. It's not for fear of expressing my opinions or being my true self, it's just beside the point.

People tend to be friendly and polite here. It's one of the reasons I like it. Besides, it's only a business networking site, which is a very small part of the rest of the world. It serves a function for biz people and that's about it.

"...maybe there's no room for a big sierra here."

If you truly think that then you can't have too high an opinion of your fellow biznikers. Everyone is "big" in their own way - just not always in the most obvious way. You might be missing some fascinating people.

Personally, I could care less if an event is kink-friendly, dog-happy, or bald-positive. It's irrelevant, because I hope all the events are open to anyone.

Rock the boat, Baby. Just don't tip the boat over.

Couldn't have said it better, David.

I'm all for rocking the boat. You go, Sierra! Just let the rest of us be ourselves, too.

A point of clarification: being nice doesn't mean being silent.

I endorse debating concepts respectfully. I oppose bashing, especially online.

Digitall footprints can last forever. There are tomes written on the subject. That's my point.

Great topic! No easy answers though, huh?

Respect and Freedom have always been touchy dance partners.

Especially when it involves many people.

Especially when it has to do with sex.

I hope we don't come to any quick conclusions because if we do, we probably haven't learned the deeper lessons.

Here's an idea.. How about a biznik type site specifically for sex/kink-friendly businesses/adult industry businesses. There are raunchy places like gof***yourself.com (serious site, I can't make that up), but perhaps it's time for a more professional networking community that's based on the adult services/entertainment/products/whatever niches?

Months ago a friend mentioned that he was listed at a website for sex-positive professionals. I emailed him to find out so I could share it here. It's called KAP (Kink Aware Professionals). Here is a link: http://www.ncsfreedom.org/index.php?option=com_keyword&id=270 Hope someone finds this helpful.

Sierra, I think you're very brave for opening this discussion up even though you're not sure it's "safe" for you to do so.

In my experience, Biznik is an open place to talk about what's important to you and to create the events and networks that make sense in your biz niche.

True, sometimes Dan and/or Lara set a boundary by replying that an event or article might not be appropriate, but I don't believe that's anywhere near cause for a booting. I think the only grounds for getting kicked out have to do with personally abusing others within our community (flame wars, un-constructive negativity, harassment, etc.).

I guess what I'm saying is that there's a big difference between hearing "no thanks" and "get out!"

So yeah, sometimes you're gonna suggest stuff that others aren't into. Guess what? Me too!

It doesn't mean we don't want you around! My experience of you is that you're always interested in deeper understanding and cooperation if at all possible. So even in your biggest moments, you are an asset to our community.

Sierra dear, you are a paradigm-shifter--never an easy nor comfortable role. As you go about your full life, you challenge the existing philosophies, be they within Biznik or without. And you get pushed back.

But, it's important what you do, exposing the boundaries and calling attention to the "norms"--questioning them.

Biznik is a paradigm-shifter, too, a tough place to be. Biznik has to figure out how to act so that its world can thrive in the rest of the world. And you (because you bring up sex) get pushed back.

To some extent, if you can tolerate the Biznik "norms" you can use Biznik to fortify your own efforts. Perhaps it doesn't seem like it, but the fact that you regularly host "alt" events through this channel--that's enormous.