A 5-step process for thinking on your feet and saying what you want.
Have you ever been asked a question, answered too quickly and instantly regretted what you said? Many people say the perfect answer comes to them later and they wonder why they didn't say "that" in the first place. Whether it’s undercharging, over-promising or inappropriate comments, we can end up losing money, time and credibility by not thinking clearly in the moment. Here’s a simple, but powerful 5-step process for saying exactly what you want when it matters most. It’s a proven way to get reconnected with yourself and speak from your core while aligning with the person asking the question. The next time you’re asked a difficult or contemplative question, I invite you to experiment with these 5 steps. Notice what happens.
1.) Listen to the Question
Sounds simple, but with so many things calling for our attention, it’s easy to be distracted and not hear what the question really is. Stay focused on the question, it might be different than what you’re expecting. Having the ability to listen at a deep level including tone of voice and body language gives you access to a wealth of information about your client. You’ll be able to answer their specific concerns without wasting time.
2.) Pause
The second step is to pause long enough to take a breath from your diaphragm. The breath is how we connect with our Self. Psychologists tell us that most people respond to a question with what they think the other person wants to hear. By taking 2-4 seconds for a breath, you become proactive rather than reactive. The stillness connects us to a greater intelligence.
3.) Repeat the Question
When someone asks you a question that requires contemplation repeat the question back with the intention to align. This serves two purposes. First, it gives you and the person asking the question clarity. Second, it gives you time to think about the question and silently ask yourself about it. Seminar participants say that their answer changes from an initial reactive response to a true answer when they do this step. Check it out for yourself. Use it for the contemplative questions that require a bit more time to feel into it your true response. Use it when your questioner isn’t specific. They’ll appreciate the chance to clarify their thoughts. And with clarity you can save time and align with the people who are meant to be your customers.
4.) Respond Honestly
We’ve all been around people (and maybe have even been that person) who give the zippy one-liners, the seducers, the clowns or the intellectual type who give us long and profound answer for a simple question. But have you ever noticed who really gets people’s attention? You guessed it; it’s the ones who respond honestly. I once asked a seminar participant what she liked best about her job. She answered immediately without taking a breath or repeating the question. Robotically, she replied, “What I really like about my job are the people. I’m a people person.” The audience members didn’t buy it. I asked her if she’d like to try it again including all 5 steps of the process. She agreed. Slowly and purposefully, I asked her, “Linda, what do you like best about your job?” She listened, paused, repeated the question, and from a place deep down in her soul she responded, “You know… I really don’t like my job at all!” She laughed with relief. The audience felt her sincerity. It was a bittersweet laugh as she revealed, “I can’t believe that I’ve been at this job that I hate for the last 17 years!”
We have to communicate with ourselves first before we can think on our feet and answer in the moment. By responding honestly we make people (including ourselves) feel important again. When we answer honestly, people pay attention and meaningful things start to happen. Communication isn’t just words going back and forth, but expressing to another being what really matters.
5.) Know When to Stop
This may sound simple, yet it can be difficult for many of us. Haven’t we all, at one time or another, given brilliant answers only to diminish everything we’ve said by adding unnecessary information? We might imagine people will listen to us more if we talk longer but just the opposite is true. Leave them wanting more. Stop, before they stop listening to you.
As simple as this 5-step technique may seem, it works and gets easier with practice. It also shines a light on areas in our lives that need attention. Most people find one of the steps more challenging than others. Bumping up the curiosity factor will help if you have a hard time listening to the question. If pausing in the presence of others is uncomfortable, take yourself off overdrive and come back to neutral for a while. If it’s a challenge to repeat the question, check out your alignment factor. Do you feel you have to do it all on your own and have all the answers? Can you enjoy the process of working with others toward a mutual goal? Step 4. How could our next answer be even more refreshingly honest? Clients notice it. It wakes them up. Many people say the most difficult step for them is knowing when to stop. It’s an art form and different with every interaction. Reading the other person’s body language is a good place to start. Knowing at your core that you are enough also alleviates the need to ramble on.
Feel your confidence improve and watch your business connections increase as you use the 5-step technique for thinking on your feet and saying what you want in the moment.
Sign up for Pamela's new free e-course for Thinking on Your Feet and Saying What You Want in the Moment at http://www.onlinespeakingschool.com
Learn more about the author, Pamela Ziemann.
Excellent article and priceless advice! If you reasonate with this you might consider catching Pamela at her BizJam presentation or, even better, get yourself to her upcoming course on honing your authenic speaking skills.
I just completed one of these yesterday and, much to my amazement. throughly enjoyed the entire empowering process. Mind you, this is quite a comment coming from someone who threw up on her shoes in her 8th grade public speaking class!
10 out of 10. Thanks for posting it.
Thanks for your comments and thanks to all of us indies for showing up and saying what matters!
I love your advice! I have been practicing this skill a lot this week. It is so important to be true to myself, and finding a way to ALSO be diplomatic has been a challenge. My main ally has been "the pause". I find that when I wait until the other person actually asks a specific question (and it can take a long and winding road time, let me tell you!) I have a much easier time addressing their needs. I am often hesitant to share too much information with strangers, and these techniques allow me (and all business people) the space and time to actually DECIDE what it is that we want or need to share.
My sister taught me this: Don't volunteer ANY information. Not because I have anything to hide, but oversharing just confuses both parties, and solves nothing.
Pamela,
Thank you for this article. It's so true and often we don't give ourselves permission to have that moment that we need, to know what we want whether it's in conversation or in making a choice. Deepak Chopra talks about "the Gap." It's that moment between what happens and what we decide it means and react. Being aware of that moment can one's life...relationships...everything.
Thanks for writing this in such a clear and compelling way. I'm going to practice it this week. Wish me luck! Lisa
As usual, my friend, right arm.
~Lee
Poker Coach
Pamela, you have made it so easy to deal with what could be a complicated moment.
Kip's sister's advice is also invaluable on not volunteering information needlessly.
Aamer
(Doctor coaching patients to maximise their potential)
This may sound off the wall, but if this is a consistent problem for someone, I recommend they attend improvisational theater classes! Improv has helped me like nothing else to assess a situation quickly and give responses that make the other person look good. No more "humuna humuna" moments or foot-in-mouth disease.
The power of pause and the power of shut-up-already. Two stopping actions that keep me going forward. Thanks, Pamela!
Doesn't sound off the wall to me at all Carol. That's why I include improv communication in my group coaching. (Also at Bizjam '08)
And, thanks for your comment Lisa. Wayne Dyer also has a CD called "Getting in the Gap" Helps to get in the stillness where all great decisions are made.
I appreciate Kip and Ruthann's thoughts about adding unnecessary information. It can be confusing and actually trespass on other's space.
As a recovering "over-sharer" I really appreciate this advice, Pamela. Clarification is often not needed and only confuses people (and sometimes me, too!)
Excellent advice. Your story about Linda brought it all home in a brilliantly concrete way. -- Bob
Such valuable information. I hope many people read it and learn from your clear and authentic advice.
Thank you! I find that I tend to answer a question quickly in order to sound intelligent, however, as you stated, often wish I would have taken a moment to think. I'm eager to try this process!!
Years ago, a mentor talked told me about the "tip of the iceberg" theory. It was the idea that you only answer the question the person asked, and nothing more, until they asked another question. And, as Kip said, it is not that you are hiding things. It's just being clear and giving them exactly the information they need.
Like Betsy, I sometimes offered way too much.
Thanks again for making us think, Pamela.
Excellent article, Pamela. You explain a very do-able approach to something that catches many of us like a deer in the headlights. Very practical advice.
Best regards,
Chuck
Thanks, Pamela for this wise advice. I would add that you can actually take more than just a moment to "pause" and consider your answer. Sometimes I will tell a questioner that I can't give them a good answer right now and I'd like to take a day to think it over.
Great reminder!
Deborah
Thoughtfully crafted article, Pamela. I find these steps so valuable and I agree with the post above: remembering that I don't have to answer right away is important as well. It's taken me years to learn that sometimes I need to respond with "Let me think about that" and then take the time I need to gather my thoughts before answering. Thank you for the reminder to stay present!
I actually read this a week ago, and used this only a day ago. Thanks Pamela! This has always been a stressful matter for me and it doesn't feel that bad anymore. I think I just needed permission to take my time and the suggestion to take that breath from the diaphragm is incredibly helpful!
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