Bad Boundaries, Bad Business ---Are You Too Nice?

Have you ever helped someone out and then later regretted it? Maybe it was that client who needed a last minute rush job. You worked all weekend to get it done and then he didn’t pay you on time.

Or maybe it was your employee who had, and yet another, excuse for coming to work late. She promised it wouldn’t happen again, but there you are waiting for her to show up. Or you repeatedly go out of you way to help a colleague with her projects but, when you ask for help, she doesn’t have time for you. 

We all want to be nice and help people out. But, sometimes, it’s just a bad idea.

Wouldn’t you like to know, ahead of time, when you are about to make a strategic mistake?  You can, if you can spot the tell-tale signs of someone who sets up no-win situations like those above.

There is a relationship dynamic, called The Dance of Drama, that will help you identify these problem situations before you take the bait.

This is one of three key relationship dances in The Boundaries Method, a simple system to help you create good relationships. Your boundaries are the ways you interact with people. They define your relationships. They define you.

Knowing about boundaries and relationship dances will save you time, energy and money. I know. Early in my business, I over gave, bent my own rules and tried to hard to please others. I was doing The Dance of Drama. The result? I built up resentment and several thousand dollars of lost income.

In this relationship dance people unconsciously fall into three predictable roles: The Rescuer, The Victim and The Persecutor. First identified by Stephen Karpman in 1968, this dance holds the key to one of the most damaging dynamics in professional and personal relationships.

The Rescuer—I will save the day!
The Rescuer feels most alive when helping others. She’s a cheerleader, an innovator and a problem solver. Afraid to appear selfish, she has a hard time saying “no”, even when she’s worn out. Sooner or later, she feels used. Then she changes roles, becoming The Victim, complaining about how she has been treated. Or she becomes The Persecutor, directly or indirectly attacking the person she had been trying to save.

The Victim—Poor me!
The Victim feels helpless. She repeatedly finds herself in painful (self-created) situations where she needs rescuing. Bad choices, bad timing and bad luck are repeating themes in her life. She does not take responsibility for her actions or the results. The Victim tries to make others feel guilty or overly-empathic to get them take on her problems. If you refuse to help, she will get even more victimy or switch over to the persecutor role.

The Persecutor—It’s your fault!
The Persecutor blames others and attacks with accusations, veiled threats, snide comments or hostility. She might even use The Abandonment Move, an abrupt pulling away that can activate anxiety in others.

You Train Your Clients How To Treat You
Early on in your business relationship, through your actions, you train your clients how to work with you and how to treat you. This creates an unwritten contract how each of you will behave. It overrules any written contract you may have.

For example, I have 24 hour notice policy for cancellations or appointment changes. This is part of the signed intake form, so there are no surprises. I rarely have anyone ask for an exception. To be consistent, if someone misses an appointment, I am assertive. I follow up and charge them. If they forget, I remind them.

On occasion, I might not charge someone. But I save this for hospital level emergencies, not someone double booking, forgetting or choosing to help a friend at the last minute. By the way, I hold myself to the same standard. If I give less than 24 hours notice, my client’s appointment is free.

When I first started out though, it wasn’t this way. I wasn’t this way. Even though I had a written policy, I didn’t follow up on it. Asking people for money was hard for me. And I fell for the victim presentation. I was rescuing. Therefore, by my actions, I trained my clients that an apology was payment enough. Ouch!

It’s A Slippery Slope
You are nice, maybe too nice. You want to help out. How do you know when you are crossing that line from helpful to Rescuer? Here are some warning signs. 

Your danger signs:
• You ignore the “this is a bad idea” message that quickly flashes through your mind
• You feel resentful at the thought of helping him out
• You feel guilty or scared at the thought of saying “no”
• You have a sense she will turn on you if you say “no”
• You feel a “high” when doing things for her
• You have a hard time with someone thinking you are mean or uncaring
• You have history of over giving or caretaking
• You take on The Rescuer role

Their danger signs:
• She “pulls” on your energy with her needy or victim presentation
• She puts you on a pedestal, you are her hero
• He doesn’t take responsibility for his situation- there is always someone or something else to blame
• She has a history of drama-filled situations, things going wrong for her and a tales of people who let her down
• This is not the first time he has been in a situation like this
• She takes on The Victim role

What To Do
When you notice any of these signs, or hear the Jaw’s theme song playing in your head, you’ll know The Dance of Drama is lurking nearby.

Stop and take a moment before agreeing to anything or taking action. “I’ve got to take another call. I’ll call you back in a half hour.”  There are few requests that need to be answered in the moment.

If you have an agreed upon policy, refer back to it. Briefly acknowledge her problems without focusing on them. Then redirect back to the issue at hand.

For your late employee: “I know you have a hard time in the morning and we have an agreement that you will be here by 9:00.”

For a forgetful client: “Yea, I know it’s hard juggling a work schedule when you’ve got two kids. Let’s double check our other appointments, so we are sure we’ve got them right. I’d much rather see you than just your check.”

Be friendly and firm. If someone is using the victim approach, see it for what it is. Don’t let your uncomfortable feelings get in the way of doing the right thing: honoring yourself and your business.

Being a person of integrity pays off. Some clients will unconsciously test to see how far you will go outside your boundaries. They will gently see you do respect yourself and follow your lead. And the few that truly want to engage in this dance will move on and find someone to do it with them. In the end, this will save you a lot of time, headache and money.

A Success Story
My client, “Kathy” was a caring person. Her employee “Sue” had a hard time getting projects finished. Sue would blame others for this. Kathy consoled her and worked harder, while the business suffered. 

After learning about The Dance of Drama, Kathy realized the roles they had been playing. She stopped being Sue’s confidant and started reinforcing the job expectations.

“Sue, I really appreciate the work you do, and I can’t be responsible for how you manage your time. I hope we can keep working together and for that to happen I need to know I can count on you. If we agree to a deadline, I need you to keep to that agreement. You are a really talented writer.”

Over the next four weeks, Sue tried the victim approach several more times. After all, it had worked before. Because Kathy was consistent with her new boundaries, Sue eventually dropped the victim behavior and started getting her jobs done on time.

Good Boundaries Mean Good Business
Stop and look at your business relationships. Are you doing The Dance of Drama? Being a good person doesn’t mean you have to do bad things to you and your business.

Here’s to you sharing your talents in a way that honors you and your business. Cheers!