Communicating to Connect, Not Conflict

Part One: How Do Others Feel and Act Around You? What’s the secret to attracting others’ respect, support and friendship? It is not through our instinctual initial behavior with others.  That is to show others our best side. Just the opposite.  People are more inclined to like and respect you when they first get to show you their better side. As others enjoy being around you they see in you the qualities they most like in themselves – whether or not you’ve demonstrated that you, in fact, have those qualities. Probably they will not be aware of their underlying reasoning, yet research shows that people like people who like them. * In first meeting, women, in general, tend to become happier and higher performing when they feel liked and like the people they are around. In first meeting, men, in general, tend to become happier and higher performing when they feel respected and respect the people they are around. Tip: • In first meeting or re-meeting “Go Slow to Go Fast”:  first enable the other person to demonstrate or discuss her greatest talent or temperament. Part Two:  Talk. Agree to Disagree, Without Becoming Disagreeable The activities in Iraq and the worldwide economic instability means life feels less certain for most of us.  Rather than avoiding conversations about your deepest concerns, turn to the people you most love and admire and ask to talk about what most matters to you.  Say you want to become closer by being truthful with each other, listening to understand  – even agreeing to disagree.  We often grow closer when we realize we can maintain our liking and respect even as we acknowledge our differences.  Further, we tend to learn more about our hot buttons, not around like-minded people but around those we like who do not always agree or “act right”, like us. Tips: • Look to his positive intent, especially when he appears to have none. • When you begin to grow angry, remind yourself of the core part of that other person that you most admire and like. • As you stay open to another’s views you keep that person open and close to you. In a civilization when love is gone we turn to justice and when justice is gone we turn to power and  when power is gone we turn to violence. Failure is usually no more fatal than success is permanent. Failure is usually no more fatal than success is permanent. Opportunity is often inconvenient. The fun is in discovering how the sum of us can be greater than apart. Coercive power saps energy from everyone.   Shared power showers energy on everyone. Some people control by defining the rules of the relationship. You can choose to define the rules of how you will relate. Being defined by others gives them control. Defining yourself gives you choices. Power resides not in aggressiveness but in conscious choice. You can't empower or disempower someone else. As you fix the problem, you won't have to fix the blame. Holding onto your anger is like clutching a vibrating pole.  The harder you hold, the more every part of your being vibrates in reaction. Strengths spread just as fears do. The stronger the signal you send  yourself of your highest purpose, the higher the priority you assign to that area. Think well of yourself. The subconscious can't take a joke. We do not see things as they are.  We see them as we are. Beliefs shape your experience, not the other way around. Your eyes see what they are trained to see. Your body speaks to you constantly, telling you what your own needs are. Problems seldom exist on the level at which they are expressed. It is easier to act your way into a more positive feeling than to feel your way into a positive way of acting. You can't develop positive people with negative feedback. What you praise in others, you'll encourage to flourish. Praise others when they are around people who most  matter to them.   Unflinching kindness in the face of cruelty  is your strongest protection. Quiet the chattering mind promotes directed action. Point out to someone that they are acting like a jerk they will go out of their way to prove it to you some more. People like people who like them. All that we are is the result of what we think. All that we will be is based on our ability to feel and to think with warmth. Our emotions fuel our energy. You are the medium for your message. Resenting someone is a way of never leaving them. Look to their positive intent, especially when they appear to have none. Act as if the world is going to treat you well. What you do not say often says it all. If I say you are a bad person I can almost see you worsen.  Funny how my words for you have a way of becoming true in my mind. Our emotions fuel our energy.   Strengths spread just as fears do. The person who chooses from the broadest range of possible actions usually becomes the peacemaker. You can disagree with an argument, but not with a personal experience.  You cannot defect from an insight. You cannot unsee what you have seen. Better to see something once than to hear it a hundred times.  That's why actions are often  more powerful than  words. A personal experience shapes your opinions without your conscious willing. Whoever most vividly characterizes what a situation is about usually determines how others see it, talk about it, and make decisions about it. Speak like it tastes good. Offer verbal  snapshots that penetrate the mind and the gut in an instant then linger, leaving a bright after image. If you are arguing for more than ten minutes, consider that you may not be arguing about your true conflict. How we do our tasks may  have more impact than the tasks themselves. Whatever you press against will press back.  However hard you press against it, it will press back at least equally hard. Shut people out and they shut up. Bring people in and they open up. In most cases stress is caused not by the event itself but rather by our response to the event. Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself. Act genially in the face of rancor. You may be the only angel in that person’s life. Happiness is a state of minimum regret. You only and always have three choices in any situation:  change, accept or leave. Take each step with reverence as if it is the axis on which the whole earth revolves, slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future.  Only this actual moment is life. The sweetest revenge is a well - lived life.   2008-02-06T17:57:22Z

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communicating-to-connect-not-conflict

2008-02-12T07:26:26Z

From a former journalst who translates behavioral research into practical ways to connect and attract support.

Communicating to Connect, Not Conflict

2009-02-24T09:43:05Z