Completing Your Unfinished Business 101

Have you ever faced a stressful situation that was seemingly brought to a close, and yet you continued to feel as if a gap existed? Like a pothole filled with sand rather than tar? Over time, just as a pothole collects dirt and debris, that gap in your life fills with feelings that clog your emotional pores, leaving them vulnerable to resentments, grudges, misunderstandings, and broken relationships. As a business owner, those feelings can get in the way of operating your business with clarity and focus and less stress.

When an emotional gap remains, you might be facing Unfinished Business. Unfinished Business is an experience from the past that holds others accountable for what is missing in your life today. It becomes your road map for how to deal with situations that ignite emotional pain. You think the gap is closed, but it remains open and alert, ready to offer you a defense, an excuse, or a complaint. Those are all normal and typical reactions, but you can break away from that state of mind.

Until you do that, however, Unfinished Business is a reminder of how someone wronged you. It shows up as a behavior or a thought directed at whoever caused you the emotional pain, or as accusations based in generalizations, and even as thoughts that perpetuate long-standing assumptions about people and circumstances.

Ever have this happen? A customer is delinquent in their payment to you. Every month, you send a past due invoice, and still no payments arrive. Your phone calls are ignored. After several months elapse, you finally receive a check with payment in full. Two months later, the customer asks for your services again. Rather than jumping for joy at the prospect of repeat business, you resent the client for wanting to take advantage of you again. The Unfinished Business here? You were cheated out of a final paycheck from a summer job you had in high school, and your boss asked you to come back the next summer. You found another job instead.

Or you finally land a sought-after contract. You worked hard to gain this business. The client compliments you on the professionalism of your work with other clients, and wants to get started right away. As you sign on the dotted line, you wonder, “Can I really do this?” The Unfinished Business? A college professor once suggested you change your major because you didn’t have what it takes to succeed in your field of choice.

Unfinished Business is like a movie that never ends. The old video rewinds itself and plays over and over again, with the characters and conversations intact as before. The plot doesn’t change. The good news is that, eventually, you just might grow tired of the same old movie, and want to move on. So how do you resolve this Unfinished Business of your Past so it doesn’t haunt your experiences in the Present?

These four steps can make a difference in how you react to how life happens around you.

1. Recognize that you are the only one who can change your behavior. Be honest about why you want to change, and affirm your intention to make the change. Examples of such behaviors are bullying, criticizing, not speaking up for yourself, expecting perfection from yourself and others, and apologizing when you are not at fault.
2. Notice when the behavior is provoked. Think of the times you’ve used that pattern of behavior before. Under what circumstances, and with whom? What were you feeling? What were you thinking? What messages did you hear from others in the past that continue to impact how you live your life today? If you truly want to change your behavior and your reaction, ask friends and colleagues to call you on it when they see you acting in that way. Enlist their support to hold you accountable.
3. Ask for feedback from those who have experienced your Unfinished Business – those who are on the receiving end. What do they observe about your behavior? What patterns do they see? What are their perceptions as to what triggers your behavior?
4. Adjust your reactions so they meet your needs in a more emotionally satisfying way. Ask yourself, “What can I do differently?” Instead of criticizing, take a curious stance about someone else’s perspective. Rather than withholding your opinion, take the time to think your thoughts through, then verbalize what’s on your mind. Once you know your emotional influences and triggers, you can cut the old behaviors off at the Past. No one else but you is in charge of managing your life - today.

Think about it. What Unfinished Business is holding you back from living your life and enjoying your business in a way that is authentically fulfilling? The Past has passed. Use the four steps above to gain control over your Present time. When you complete your Unfinished Business 101, you can go on to earn your MBA – More Balanced Attitude.