Ann Kruse

Coach to leaders, professionals, and entrepreneurs who are going places.
Sammamish, Washington

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DUMP THE GOLDEN RULE and your clients will love you!

As professionals, we've spent years honing our skills. But when it comes to building solid relationships with our clients and patients, relying on our expertise, and what we do best, can actually get in the way.

Written Mar 31, 2009, read 1072 times since then.

The Golden Rule says “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Whoever came up with that rule must have lost a lot of friends and clients along the way!

Are you a professional service provider? A lawyer, accountant, financial adviser, health care professional, real estate agent, or other person whose success depends on both your expertise and also your relationship with your clients or patients?

Sometimes being the expert can get in the way of building those relationships. When you depend completely on your own communication and thinking style, you may annoy your clients or patients, and you may even drive them into the arms (and offices) of your competitors!

For example, if you are the outgoing and gregarious type, you might call a client and launch into a discussion of the latest trends that will affect that client. That approach may be welcomed by a client has the same style. But it will spell disaster with a client who a clock watcher and has a meeting coming up in five minutes! To that client, you will come across as inconsiderate.

Another example: you give your patient a thorough and detailed description of the test results, diagnosis, and treatment plan, and then you wonder about the glazed look on his face. Your approach is great with a patient who, like you, has a voracious appetite for detail, but bad news if your patient’s most urgent need is for empathy for his concerns and fears. To that patient, you will come across as cold and uncaring.

What can you do? Learn about communication and thinking styles, so that you can communicate in a way that matches this client’s or patient’s style, not yours. In my coaching practice I used the Herrmann Brain Dominance Instrument (HBDI)™(trademarks of Herrmann International). It’s an excellent tool for helping my clients identify their own thinking and communication style, understand the styles of others, and communicate in a way that suits the needs of others.

There are many others models as well (MBTI, Social Styles, DiSC, Enneagram, etc.). Work with a coach or take a workshop to become familiar with at least one of these models, and put it to work for you. You’ll be surprised at how valuable your new insights are in working not only with your clients but also with your staff, partners, and friends and family.

I like the HBDI™ because it’s based on how the brain functions. If you have a left-brain cognitive style, you value being analytical and factual. But your right-brain visceral client may need more emotional expression to make sense of what you are saying. A right-brain cognitive thinker wants to see the whole picture and can go crazy listening to a left-brain visceral thinker as she methodically lays out all the details.

Here are a few other insights based on the HBDI™ model. What do you do when faced with a problem?

The left-brain cognitive thinker wants to analyze the data, take action, and get to the result. He might come across to the client as being pushy, ignoring the client’s need for emotional connection, or for looking at all options, or for planning the actions in detail.
The right brain cognitive thinker wants to look at the whole system how everything is interconnected. She might come across to clients as unfocused and abstract, ignoring the client’s need for precision, or immediate action, or attention to his personal concerns.
A person with the right-brain visceral style will seek support of others, talk through the problem, and want to take care of others. This person might appear to others as being overly sensitive and soft-hearted, perhaps ignoring the client’s needs for rigorous thinking, or decisions based on hard data, or understanding the big picture.
A person with a left-brain visceral style will make a detailed plan and carry out the plan on time and within budget. To others, this person might come across as inflexible and rigid, ignoring the client’s need for personalized attention, for flexibility, or for attention to results.

As professional services providers, we have spent years developing our professional skills. It’s ironic that, to communicate effectively with our clients or patients, we may have to put aside what we do best.

The most effective and meaningful communication occurs between two human beings trying hard to understand each other, not between an expert and a person who is dependent on that expertise. Those roles can get in the way. Take off your expert hat, try your best to understand the client’s communication and thinking style, and then talk in those terms.

Rather than the Golden Rule, I suggest following the Down to Earth Rule: Know yourself. Know your client. Understand and appreciate the differences. And talk in the client’s language.

Learn more about the author, Ann Kruse.

Posted by Jim Rooney, Brady, Texas | Apr 09, 2009

Dissing the golden rule will aleinate those that hold it dear. The golden rule is values based (world view) statement not a behavior based (temperament) statement.
Posted by Sonia Connolly, Portland, Oregon | Apr 10, 2009

Thanks, Ann, for a thoughtful look at some different approaches people take. I like the Platinum Rule - "do unto others as they would like to be done to." It's natural to assume that what's comfortable for us will be comfortable for others, and I appreciate the reminder to stay aware of other people's needs and preferences as well.

Sonia | Sundown Healing Arts | http://www.TraumaHealed.com
Posted by Ann Kruse, Sammamish, Washington | Apr 10, 2009

Jim - Thanks for pointing out the distinction between a statement reflecting values and a statement reflecting behavior. I see that you help employers find the right skill sets for their jobs. I can see why that distinction is top-of-mind for you.
Best regards, Ann
Posted by Cheryl Yopp, Elliston, Virginia | Apr 10, 2009

The Golden rule, in the context you are using it, refers more to a business' needs as compared to the clients needs and assuming that the business' needs are the same as the clients needs. When In fact, the Golden Rule, in this instance, really refers to the business offering the same aspect of courest and respect they wish to get from the client, as that which the client wishes to get from the business. Its kind of like saying that the Golden Rule doesn't really say what it means to say!
Posted by Ann Kruse, Sammamish, Washington | Apr 10, 2009

Sonia - Thanks for your comment. The Platimun Rule is a great re-framing. It's a dilemma - we want to help the other person. Our motives are the best. And yet, it's so difficult to know what the other person wants. I think that's the dilemma Cheryl is referring to as well. Ann
Posted by Hsuan-Hua Chang, PCC, LMBA, Seattle, Washington | Apr 10, 2009

I have seen so many generalized statements made on titles of Biznik articles recently. I am getting used to the style now. :)

As a coach, I am open to my clients since I'd like them to be open to me. That fits the golden rule. Creativity is my big value. Therefore, new ideas inspire me. I can’t assume it’s true for others. Golden rule doesn’t apply there.

I appreciate your short explanation on the HBDI model. It’s very helpful and it’s in alignment with the training I received on communication styles. I shall attend one of your workshops to learn more.

CoachSeattle brings clarity & fun to biz development.
Posted by Ann Kruse, Sammamish, Washington | Apr 10, 2009

Hsuan-Hua - Layers upon layers. If the Golden Rule is a meta-rule, then the result is, in effect, to say, "ignore this rule when the rules requires that it be ignored." If brief moments of clarity, I'm able to wrap my brain around that idea. then it flits away! Best regards,
Posted by Allen Cooper, Seattle, Washington | Apr 11, 2009

Hi Ann,

Thanks for the article.

At first I was appalled that you would not be using the "Golden rule".

Once I read your article I completely agree.

Business is all about communication and meeting the customer at their needs.

You are correct if you are speaking different languages it is not going to work.

It is not what we say it is what they here.

Great Job Ann!

I am looking forward to your event, Allen
Posted by Ann Kruse, Sammamish, Washington | Apr 12, 2009

Allen - I like your comment, "it's not what we say, it's what they hear." That's so true! See you on the 30th! Ann
Posted by Megan Davis, Seattle, Washington | Apr 14, 2009

As a postpartum doula, the most important thing I can offer my clients is a "feeling" about me and how I supported them. This is more important than any tangible tasks I offer. So, obviously, meeting them in their own style is critical. If I come in and do tasks I think will be helpful to them without listening to their needs, I could be way off base and could do more damage than good.

Thanks for the article. Looking forward to our discussion today! -Megan
Posted by Ann Kruse, Sammamish, Washington | Apr 15, 2009

Megan, it was good to meet you today at the workshop. How true it is that we often think we know what the client wants or should want. I takes a lot of humility to listen closely and refrain from being too helpful! Ann