It was a year ago, but it feels like yesterday. In the middle of a devastating breakup, the single mother of a small child, in an apartment that cost twice as much as I was making monthly... Every night was sleepless, and every day I sat by myself and let the worry pile bricks on my shoulders. I reached out for help through the Biznik network (and I'm pretty sure I owe some refunds and apologies to a few people), but it was already far too late to save myself from hitting rock bottom. What you don't know until you take this journey is that the way down to rock bottom is long, and slow, with nothing to grab onto to save yourself from the inevitable landing.
I thought that bottom was going to be getting evicted from my apartment. It turned out that the bottom was when I was served with papers indicating that my child was being taken away from me completely and that a custody trial was set. My daughter, my little girl, the only thing on earth that was keeping me going. I had 80% custody from the time she was born, and thanks to a string of events that emptied my bank account and my spirit, I was losing her. It was a week before Christmas, and my life was destroyed.
I'll spare you the details of my depression and the subsequent mistakes and self destructive behaviors brought about by it, and skip to the early part of January. This time, in my mind, is now marked as the most prolific and transformational period of my life. From then to now I have built myself back up from zero, and become the success that I should have known I had in me. The changes were small, but they made a huge difference.
Here are the lessons I learned from coming up from such catastrophic collapse.
1. You are not defined by your possessions, your name, your job.
I know this sounds a little Fight Club, but it's true. I lost most of my possessions, I changed my name, I redefined my work life. None of these things made me less of myself. If anything, I quickly learned that I had to have faith in that self which is undefinable to be able to keep going. I learned to trust my own definitions, and to live by them daily.
2. Surround yourself with people who believe in you.
I lost a lot of friends in my time of need, that time when friends are supposed to rally behind you. I learned that most of them thought that I was just being lazy - letting my life go to pieces with no awareness of it. Nothing could be further from the truth, and I knew it, which I finally realized was the important part. I took that awareness and I left behind the idea that I needed anyone besides myself. What that new attitude brought to me was a new group of people who saw the changes I was making and supported them. I didn't need to lean on them, but they would always give me a pat on the back or a warm cup of tea paired with a listening ear when I needed it the most, without me having to ask them for it.
3. Nothing is permanent, no situation is unchangeable.
I have managed to go from hopeless to success in a year. A year, in all reality, is the blink of an eye. All it took was pushing forward, ignoring the negative voices inside my head that told me that I couldn't do it, and choosing to be joyful even when it felt like all the joy had been drained from life.
4. It is impossible to go an entire day without one thing that is good.
There is always something to be grateful for, and at the end of every day I managed to choose at least one thing that fell in the broad category of "positive" and turn that into a reason to get up and start the battle again in the morning.
5. It's harder to lay down and lose than it is to keep fighting.
The human spirit is an amazing thing, and just when you think that it has been pushed to its ends, it manages to rise again. There is no point at which it is too late to make a difference in your own life. There is no point that you cannot say to yourself "no, I will not let this end me".
And just when you think that you have exhausted yourself to the point where you cannot walk another step, one foot will place itself in front of the other, and you will be carried by a strength that you did not even know you had.
Learn more about the author, Aja West.
I think you really described the sadness, pain as well as "power" of rock bottom quite well. The pointers you gave were outstanding.
Since I am successfully climbing out of my own rock bottom, I could relate to this on a very personal level ... AND the article spoke to me on a professional level as well!!!
David Lim
So sorry to hear about your pain and hope that the custodial issues will be/have been returned to you completely. Your words of starting over resonated with me. I spent this spring & summer finding the courage to go on. Every day is a challenge and I need to remind myself to "just do it". Because if it wasn't for me my family would not have a roof over their head, clothes on their backs, food on the table. Keep up the fight!
Thank you for sharing your inspirational story- and your strategies for how you turned your life around. Congratulations!
Great article Aja! I think we humans get a litte too attached to earthly things (possessions, name, job, the car we drive etc) and that's what causes us most pain I believe.
I am getting ready to make some changes in my life myself and all you said was a great reminder for me to embrace my humanity and being OK with change.
You're probably teaching so much to your child about resilence and maybe even meaning of life. Kudos to you my friend (who I don't know in person yet!). :)
All excellent reminders, Aja! Way to show up in the world. Hope your custodial challenges are resolved - you have a lot of inspiration to share with your little girl.
Wow - this is really refreshing to read and I love your empowering message.
It's a gift! Thank you.
Boy could I relate with many parts of your story. Minus the child ;-).
I have been at rock bottom a few times and it sucks and you are the one to get out of it with additude and actions along with recognizing the patterns that got you there in the first place.
Thank you for the reminder
Every one of has to face our "human-ness" at some point. We all have a story and there is the success story for the job interviews, the sad one for your best friend, and the one you tell yourself. There was a point long ago that I completely realized that everything in the material world is meaningless if you lose your own self respect. All the money and possessions in the world will not make you whole. You are whole to begin with. You are very brave to put your thoughts out there. I can relate...
Thank you for telling your story Aja. You told it well. Congratulations on your personal victory.
Thanks Aja for your vulnerability, your courage, your insight, and your willingness to share. For some reason, we rarely discover what we're really made of vacationing on a beach. (I wish!) The moments that form our character and forge our identity seem to have more to do with walking through fire. In retrospect, they are the "best-worst things" that ever happened to us!
I hope that everything has resolved (or is resolving) with your daughter.
Kate
Aja,
For all of us who have been there, for those who are in the middle of it, and for those who have never been there, your message is equally powerful.
What a lot of lessons you learned in your journey! I too have been a single parent and remember things like boiling macaroni and adding ketchup and chili powder and inventing the name "Cowboy Macaroni" so my 5-year-old would eat it. In reality, it was all the food I had in the house. Yet to this day, she fondly remembers her dinners of Cowboy Macaroni.
Thanks for telling this story in such an uplifting way. Many, many people will benefit from your honesty.
This was one of the most honest and raw stories and experiences I have had the opportunity to read and I appreciate it.
I was at an SBA event recently and I thought, "wow there is little here about the psychology and isolation of the budding solopreneur" and yet I could tell that is really what is on everyone's mind.. the economy, how to survive, the loneliness, etc as you struggle to be a Jack of All Trades.... its exhausting and when you have a personal life that cannot be separated it becomes even more challenging.
I think we miss out just supporting each other emotionally in our zeal to promote ourselves professionally. With healthy emotions and support networks that are not just "work oriented" that only benefits our growth and potential not hinder it.
Great writing! I'm just working on a new book idea about how to take care of yourself during fearful and hard times and I'd love to interview you. I'm at http://www.comfortqueen.com/ and http://www.jenniferlouden.com
When you get a chance, stop by and maybe we can connect.
Aja, thank you for reaching out to this community and sharing your experience. You've given us some great reminders about what is important and what makes us us. I especially appreciate your willingness to be real. That implies your trust in the community and your awareness of our common humanity. The responses you've gotten back speaks to the inherent goodness of people, and that is inspiring. May you be richly blessed in all ways.
BRAVO! Don't let go of this lesson, discovery and courage because it will continue to serve you well in all aspects of life. It is also a fabulous example for your daughter and everyone out there. Thank you for sharing and all the best to you.
Aja,
Thank you for sharing your story here on Biznik. I too am a single mom a year into piecing together a new life after hitting my own rock bottom. Hope we have the chance to connect some time at a Biznik event.
Congratulations Aja! I appreciate your courage and willingness to openly share your struggles and the lessons you learned from life's difficulties. I applaud you for not becoming a victim but instead being a role model for many others!
I have also learned that it's not what happens along the way, but what you learn from it and who you become that counts.
Kate Phillip's comment was 'dead-on'. "We rarely discover what we're made of" if everything is easy. And we discover that we are up to the challenge...even when sometimes we are so overwhelmed with what seem to be impossible obstacles. Thank you for sharing your story and your insights, Aja!
Very inspirational, I can relate to your story and yes positive thinking is the key to starting over and making a success.!
Thank you for sharing your story and sharing your humanness. It's wonderful that we can be human here and admit the less than desirable, as well as share our successes and good stuff.
My admission is that my business isn't sustaining itself yet and I have to go work part time elsewhere so that I can 1- pay my bills, 2 - take the stress load off the need for my biz to be my single source of income.
I depleted my savings getting this biz up and running this past year, as well as healing from a car accident and having lower capacity to work for awhile.
I've had some encouraging messages from others not to look at this as a downfall but an opportunity to position myself at a job where I admist possible clients or people who would be great referrers to clients. I like this idea!
Off to manifest that second job!
Thank you again so much.
Aja, this piece is just beautiful and inspiring! I am about 40 years older than you and yet can remember my own rock bottom as if it were yesterday...it covered all the bases: financial, emotional, physical, psychological and spiritual. For you to pull through in one short year is an accomplishment that speaks to many wonderful qualities you possess. I will look for you at our Biznik events, would love to meet you. Diane
Sorry, this user is no longer a member? Well, that's interesting.
Here Here! Thank you for this bit of encouragement! I think even when we just hit small daily struggles these lessons apply. Congratulations on working your way back up!
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