<p>Recently I was talking with a friend about communication and connection with people. They go together like chocolate and peanut butter, bacon and eggs, etc. But which happens first – communication or connection?</p>
<p>Don’t you need my attention in order to communicate with me? If you want to say something to me and I am across a crowded store, have you really communicated with me if your message never reaches me and I don’t know you are there? And, if you want something from me, you need to have my trust first, right? (If you have kids, you probably have firsthand knowledge of this when your kids are being particularly cute, compliant, or affectionate, and you feel suspicious, wondering what it is they want.) Your answer may seem obvious, but, based on some people’s networking or selling strategies, they must believe something else. </p>
<p>Some people, on one extreme, make their way around the room quickly to shake hands, say what they do, and almost throw their card at people before moving on, as if networking were a game one could win based on quantity of people met. Any discussion is largely about them and their business. They may seem confident (almost to a fault, in fact), and are decisive. While I love the passion people with this style exhibit, their speed can make them appear desperate or to have a sense of entitlement. For example, they may send out tweets such as, “I gave you something – now you should give me a gift.”</p>
<p>People on the other extreme usually hang out along the fringes of the crowd and don’t talk a lot…until they get to know you. Even if you are comfortable with silence, while it has many applications, it is not likely to bring in business during a networking event as a sole strategy. People who stay on the fringes, however, usually observe and listen a lot, so when they make a connection, they are likely to nurture it, stay in contact, make referrals, etc. If they go overboard, though, they may seem clingy. (Weaknesses are overextensions of strengths.) So, to really excel in networking and selling, find a balance of both connection and communication.</p>
<p>How do you find that balance with communication and connection? First: develop awareness, not only of the existence and need for both, but also of which you favor. Are you getting the results you want? If not, are you more comfortable talking about yourself when meeting people or asking about them? If you negotiate, do you argue for your goals or ask about the other party’s needs? This step will help you decide which changes to make if you want better results.</p>
<p>Second, set an intention. If you are most comfortable talking, set an intention to listen and ask questions. Get to know them. If you favor listening and asking questions, set intentions to talk about yourself and your needs/goals so they can get to know you. Practice, then attend events using the newly adopted strategy. Be sure to focus on what you are doing instead of the end results, but notice how others respond while you are talking or listening. Don’t let one person’s response choose your strategy for interaction, especially when you start using a new approach.</p>
<p>When people are learning to play an instrument, improve on sport performance, etc, it is already a little frustrating and awkward to make changes, but people are generally willing to do it. When it comes to communication, though, people fear vulnerability or something, and, quite often, if they don’t get the results they want, they exclaim, “This stuff doesn’t work!” and go back to what they were doing, which, chances are, also isn’t working as well as they want.</p>
<p>So how do you handle vulnerability? First, reframe it: There is strength in vulnerability. Seriously, do you feel more or less confidence in speakers who reveal things they aren’t so proud of (within reason)? I usually feel more confident and believe the person has integrity. Contrast that with pushing feelings of vulnerability down and acting like nothing is wrong. People usually don’t care for that…So, bring your sense of humor and integrity along with your patience and observational skills. Notice how others respond, and adjust as necessary – that is the recipe for success.</p>
<p>Noticing how others respond is a skill that will become even more useful as you gain comfort with the different approaches. When you are dealing with some people, you will need to focus more on yourself in order to make progress. The next person, though, may be more responsive to curiosity about him. The approach you take with people may also vary depending on the intention or goal for the discussion with them (and you are setting those, right?), and may even change within a single conversation. So flexibility, the ability to change the balance to fit the circumstances and intentions, will serve you well.</p>
<p>Most people find their perfect balance after making adjustments, and even then it is necessary to change occasionally. Fortunately, as with most things that take effort and fine-tuning, the payoff for doing so is great. More people will help you, you will have more confidence, less stress, and more fun, which may all speak to your bottom line.</p>
<p>You know those people at networking events who attract people like a rock star? They seem attentive to others and are also energetic and charismatic when they speak. They know a lot of people because they make a connection and stay in touch. When they attend an event together, they naturally seek each other out. People introduce them to others who would be great contacts because of the connection they have built and the clarity of their communication. The balance between connection and communication serves them for networking, and also serves them well in other areas of their life.</p>
<p>You can apply the concept of balance between connection and communication in any number of situations. For example, when you are negotiating or buying, or even when you are trying to break away from someone whom you don’t want to be around (in which case you may choose to break rapport/connection). You may apply the concept when striking up conversations with someone while pursuing a romantic relationship. Don’t just go up to someone and say, “Are you a speeding ticket? ‘Cuz you are mighty fine!” (That line was not very successful, by the way...) Regardless of whether you are aware of it or not, the balance (or lack thereof) between connection and communication exists in any relationship, business or personal. While we have been talking about balance between the two, don't think of them as being on one continuum as opposites - consider them as two separate waves on an equiizer, such as bass and treble, where you may change either one or both.</p>
<p>In some communication courses, connection is considered part of communication. I don’t have strong feelings about that, but it is easier to get the point across when I separate the two. There are so many applications, and so many parts to both communication and connection, that they warrant being addressed separately. For example, when I work with people on a presentation, I may focus on either one or both. When I work with groups, though, I usually address connection first, in one way or another. So, evaluate your use of both connection and communication separately. You may need to increase or reduce either one or both to fit the circumstances.</p>
2009-08-30T22:36:39Z
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2009-09-04T08:13:47Z
2009-09-04T04:14:13Z
Here's How To Build A Network Of People Who Know, Like, And Trust You, Bring Qualified Leads, And Improve Your Net Worth.
From Net-Not-Working To Networking
1
2009-09-04T04:14:13Z