Give Up Networking and Grow

Can a simple shift in attitude help you expand your circle? You bet. A shy girl shares how.

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  Posted by Charlene Kingston, Phoenix, Arizona | Oct 21, 2008

  I've come to very similar conclusions in my own business. The way some people network, it is almost a contact sport. That's not my personality. I prefer to build relationships with interesting people, just like you said here. You've written concise, good advice.
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  Posted by Rick Itzkowich, La Jolla, California | Oct 21, 2008

  Jamie,

  I can definitely relate to your observations. One more thing I would add that has been very helpful for me is to look for opportunities to contribute or to give when you are at events. Looking to see what I can give vs. what I can get makes it easier to relax and enjoy.

  Well done.
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  Posted by Dawn Lawson, Romeoville, Illinois | Oct 21, 2008

  I agree with you Jaime and I think the same thing applies to forum participation. I have met absolutely wonderful and loving people online. I have also met an abundance of people who simply give the vibes that the only reason they are there is to try to gain something.
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  Posted by Thomas Willa, Renton, Washington | Oct 21, 2008

  Jamie I think we all have our guards up to a certain degree when meeting new people. Since joining biznik I sometimes use the message format to offer my thoughts rather than post a comment to an article. It seems to be a polite way to make an observation that is specifically for the author. I really agree about there are some people we click with which makes it a whole lot easier.
  I also ponder that others are just possibilities. I think just knowing what someone else does and that you can help them or even they maybe able to help you achieve something is enough. I have heard that these type of relationships can be very positive, too.
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  Posted by Kathrin Hardie, Vancouver, British Columbia Canada | Oct 21, 2008

  Thank you, Jamie, and welcome! Watching net-workers often gives me the impression of them working the butterfly nets, catching all and sundry business cards, then flitting off (hopefully) never to be seen again. Meaningless. I much prefer your welcome mat.
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  Posted by Nina Johnson, DeMotte, Indiana | Oct 21, 2008

  Thank you, Jamie, for sharing the shy entrepreneur experience.
  I am horribly uncomfortable with the business card handshake, 30 second business plug introduction.
  Being in a service field, it makes more sense to view all opportunities as customer service. In what way would who I am or what I do help this person or their business? I think that's exactly the personal touch people either respond to or they don't. And why waste our time pushing ourselves on them, right? Thanks for sharing your article - now I know I'm probably not the only one feeling this way at those bustling Chamber meetings!
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  Posted by Judy Dunn, Seattle & Renton, Washington | Oct 21, 2008

  You have made a simple but profound observation here, Jamie.

  Some networking experts might label what you do as "too random," yet this style and approach have always worked for Bob and me. I too don't put value on "networking schedules" and having a certain criteria for developing a relationship with someone.

  Forcing a relationship where perhaps none exists doesn't help anyone.

  In my most recent blog post, at http://www.smallbizmarketingblog.com, I describe it in a marketing/copywriting setting, but still, it's the same with networking. You are looking to attract people, and ultimately clients, who are "weird in the same way you are."

  Thanks for making me think.
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  Posted by Sloan Coleman, Seattle, Washington | Oct 21, 2008

  Great article, I find myself in the same situation as you mentioned earlier. I'm learning to embrace my awkward moments and now realize they are part of my charm. After all awkwardness is pretty cool right now when you look at the popularity of shows like The Office or Michael Cera in general. :)
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  Posted by Joe Shirley, Seattle, Washington | Oct 21, 2008

  Nicely written, Jamie. As a fellow member of the "shy" tribe, I've had to learn exactly those three lessons. I think #2 is the biggest liberator for me. I LOVE connecting with people I resonate with, and I no longer spend much energy or judgment on those with whom I don't, (at least, on a good day).

  There's something more, though, too. I'm not sure how to articulate it. Sometimes my first impression is a disconnect. But if I stay with an open curiosity and mostly listen, sometimes a shift happens and I can connect with the person.

  I think many people are tentative in networking (and other social) situations, and wear a mask that is off-putting to just about anyone who's paying attention. But letting them know I'm OK with them, and being with them in a receptive mode, sometimes they'll lay down the mask and reveal something wonderful of themselves.

  Biznik Ambassador Mentor & Events Coordinator
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  Posted by suzanna leigh, Vashon, Washington | Oct 21, 2008

  I just joined Biznik yesterday, and am still trying to figure out where--and if--I fit. Your article is helpful. Thanks.
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  Posted by Tara Joyce, Toronto, Ontario Canada | Oct 21, 2008

  Jaime,

  As we have already discussed in person, I couldn't agree more with your thoughts on networking. As a shy, introverted person, the idea of meeting people only to sell them on myself seems horrible and scary. Your approach makes meeting people all the more human and less threatening. Thank you for sharing your insights with me and the rest of the BizNik community.
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  Posted by Otilia Gaidos, Redmond, Washington | Oct 21, 2008

  Jamie, you candidly shared what others may be reluctant to share. Networking is not homework. It should not be perceived as a chore. There will always be people who will not click with us, our idea, our business. Yes, our focus should be on the joy of communicating with others who click with us on certain levels.
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  Posted by Carolyn Osborne, Fircrest, Washington | Oct 21, 2008

  I can definitely relate to everything that you said. I am also shy. Going to these functions and "putting myself out there" is something I'm really working on. Your words gave it a nice feel the next time I'm at one of these events I will think of them.
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  Posted by Suzette West, Port Orchard, Washington | Oct 21, 2008

  As a fairly shy person, I can say that networking (for me) is both a challenging and exciting experience. It is exciting when meeting people who are wonderful to talk with and it is challenging when meeting people who are judgmental or stand-offish.

  Jamie, you are so right to say that we cannot worry about the people who don't receive us well. However, in my opinion, there is a silver lining to this because such encounters make me even more grateful for meeting those who make networking a life-enriching adventure.

  Passionate about financial independence via real estate
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  Posted by Leila Anasazi, Seattle, Washington | Oct 21, 2008

  Jamie, thank you for sharing your tips. I've been a big collector of such things, being a shy introvert who watched all the fun go by. Until I realized maybe I wasn't "wrong" for being shy, and started looking for ways to "fit in" to the conversations and relationships that were going by without me.

  I am going to add a link to your article on my little Biz Talk conversation about introverts and events. I know other shy folks can--as you say--grow their networks, too.

  Writing a book about real sex with real people
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  Posted by Bal Simon, Belleuve, Washington | Oct 21, 2008

  I started doing something similar about 4 months ago and now have a mutually formed "mastermind group" of 4 people and am considering adding 2 more people to the mix.

  One other fascinating person in this area is a guy named Scott Ginsberg who wears a name tag wherever he goes, and even made a business out of this "approachability."

  I'd sort of forgotten about this stuff till I read this article. Thanks a lot.

  Regards, Bal
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  Posted by Noreen Wedman, M.S., Seattle, Washington | Oct 22, 2008

  From a recovering shy person, well done Jamie! As usual I concur with the sage wisdom of Joe Shirley too.

  I find that if I just orient myself for a few minutes, taking in the vibes of the event, I allow myself the down time I need to switch gears and "magically" be present and engaged. Biznikers who are highly sensitive may want to try this for exceptionally noisy environments or opt for smaller, quieter events where one doesn't have to compete with the noise.

  cheers! Noreen
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  Posted by Bill Doerr, Kensington, Connecticut | Oct 22, 2008

  Well said!

  Your comment about being comfortable with yourself and with allowing others the space to be themselves -- even if you're not compatible in every way -- is the sign of a very wise and mature individual. Good for you!

  Best,

  Bill

  Converting competence into compensation
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  Posted by Pam Hoelzle- Wilmot, Edmonds, Washington | Oct 22, 2008

  Amen! How refreshing that we each show up as a deeply respected individual not a potential $ sign!!! I love the word "tribe" stay open to the tribe that follows the same drummer. Nice reminders!

  Seattle Business Consultants
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  Posted by Jim Carney, Bellingham, Washington | Oct 22, 2008

  I love to hear people's stories. Sure we have testimonies and success stories about who rents in our building or how we can help that business out with a virtual office. Yet, after networking for the last 3 years we think it is all about sharing. Sort of like telling another hungry person where to find bread. Since not many were going to need an office we decided not to "worry" about taking advantage of every advertising or commercial (elevator speech) opportunity. Share our story. Our business model. Our love for what we do. I have to admit we have fun. It is a lot more fun then NetWORKing!

  Virtual Offices at Gateway
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  Posted by Jamie Ridler, Toronto, Ontario Canada | Oct 22, 2008

  How wonderful! This is exactly why connecting with others can be awesome. Thank you for sharing your ideas and perspectives about really connecting.

  One thing that I was reminded of is that this process can be fun and exciting. When you meet someone new you never know what is going to happen! Maybe, just maybe, something amazing is about to begin!
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  Posted by Amy Goetz, Seattle, Washington | Oct 23, 2008

  Thanks for this! i love it and now i have validation and a way to connect with people in authenticity!

  Now i want to meet you! well if you are ever in Seattle or if I ever get out your way I will look you up!

  ...and you teach NIA! I love NIA! It has transformed my life.
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  Posted by Joanne Victoria, Silverdale, Washington | Oct 23, 2008

  Yaay! Finally, I am not alone. I think spending time with 50, 100 or 200 people you don't know is like a cocktail party; people just grasping to get your attention and their actions are not even authentic. I find it works well organically. Since I have no problem talking to strangers in weird places, I have met many prospects and friends in the making. cheers to you!
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  Posted by Lee Kaplanian, Burien, Washington | Oct 23, 2008

  Thanks so much Jaime! I may seem a motor-mouth at times to some, but deep down I am also shy. I don't always know what to say to someone new, often it helps to comment on something they are wearing - especially if it is my favorite color or a great pin, scarf or tie. Then it doesn't feel as if it is all about me. The other thing I have learned is that first impressions aren't always correct - some of my best friends were off-putting when I first met them. Maybe we ned to do an introverts networking group. Thanks, Jaime, for putting into words what I have been feeling a lot of the time and thought I was the only one at a loss
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  Posted by Julia Stoops, Portland, Oregon | Oct 23, 2008

  Jaime, I appreciate what you say about making your actions authentic. And removing the label of 'networking' is a great way in to doing that. When something social and complex gets a label and gets many articles and books written about it, the ways we think about it become codified. And if the way you naturally behave doesn't fit that mold, it feels uncomfortable, like you are not fitting the concept, rather than that the concept is too narrowly defined to fit you. Thanks for sharing this insight! It's reassuring and liberating.
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  Posted by Lisa Williams, Seattle, Washington | Oct 23, 2008

  I love the idea of a introverts networking group! There would be no need to pretend we're not frightened of being the only person we know in the room. The article gives a great, creative method for a paradigm shift to overcome the fear of rejection that inhibits me from networking. (I'm still scared though, and rely on our Account Manager to do it for me...)
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  Posted by Paul Clegg, Frome, Somerset United Kingdom | Oct 23, 2008

  Excellent article Jamie and I was prompted by Judy Dunn's comment that some networking experts might label what you do as "too random."

  I help people develop referral strategies for a living and networking is only a small part of that strategy.

  He or she who collects the most business cards is not the winner for the value of a networking event is all in the follow up. Most people in business are terrible at follow up.

  So I think Jamie's approach is 'on the button' ... she simply let's the law of attraction do its work.
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  Posted by Jan Radosevich BA, CRS, Bellevue, Washington | Oct 23, 2008

  You really perked up a lot of people here! Good down home thinkin!
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  Posted by Rolland Lawrenz, Seattle, Washington | Oct 24, 2008

  Great information. Often, I find myself feeling exactly the same way as you described. i use to do tours, and people that know me can not get how I can be shy and such. That was a job, I was "on-stage."

  It is a completely different part of me. Personally, for the most part I am somewhat quiet. But, I am learning I have to push myself more and more to be outgoing. Think just posting this and my picture are great steps forward in these goals.
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  Posted by Kate Phillips, Carnation/Seattle, Washington | Oct 24, 2008

  Nice article, Jamie! I'm decidedly NOT shy. But I can still relate... to paraphrase you, 1) A simple mindshift can open up resistance to something that might "look" like networking. 2) I'm not going to click with everyone, nor do I need to. 3) I can control my own experience by how I'm "being" in the moment. Am I open? Closed?

  I have coached some shy people. You sound like you have coached yourself, and done it well. I love your approach and how you turned the experience of meeting new people around for yourself.

  Coaching for Financial Transformation
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  Posted by Ilise Benun, Hoboken, New Jersey | Oct 24, 2008

  Jamie, your article gives a nice perspective on networking. I love the idea, "don't network, meet interesting people."

  Often, clients tell me they don't "feel" like networking because they're not "psyched up." And my response is always, "You don't have to be up, just open." In fact, I sometimes think being "up" gets in the way of being open.

  Networking doesn't have to be full of pressure. We don't need to find new clients or get more business, we just need to be open to meeting new people. Once you start to view networking in this way, it becomes so much more natural and easier to do.

  At the risk of promoting myself (occupational hazard), I'll just mention the book I wrote on exactly this topic, "Stop Pushing Me Around: A Workplace Guide for the Timid, Shy and Less Assertive."
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  Posted by Gretchen Frankenstein, Seattle, Washington | Oct 24, 2008

  Loved the article! I am an introvert and thereby prefer one-on-one arrangements over walking into a group. Not shy, though, and I have found it very useful to know the difference.

  One thing I recently discovered is that I like groups much more if I initiate the group. I am now reworking my networking plans for next year to attend less and initiate more and make them things I like to do, such as offering a class or seminar, sponsoring an event, "adult play dates," and the like.
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  Posted by Liz Muelken, Fenton, Missouri | Oct 25, 2008

  Jamie, I enjoyed your article very much. I, too, am a bit shy and have had to learn to "work a room". Your idea about contacting interesting people for a one-on-one chat is a good idea.
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  Posted by Louise Johnson, Lynnwood, Washington | Oct 25, 2008

  Jamie thank you for this article. I'm another that is shy and not many people know it... these tips certainly help alleviate those awkward feelings at networking events. I also much appreciate all the shared wisdom in the comments here!
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  Posted by Yvonne Bisk, Levittown, New York | Oct 26, 2008

  Jamie, great article. I am with Gretchen, I am shy, but feel more comfortable if i am the one inviting people. I started my own business networking group on Long Island, NY 2 years ago and now I am up to over 400 members. Lots of them just staying in the corners, but my monthly meetings are visited by 40-50 people each month. And being the host... I njoy these meetings very much ;-) Yvonne
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  Posted by David Berkey, Edmonds, Washington | Oct 27, 2008

  Jamie,

  As you can see, you're in good company. Lot's of us "shy" types out there, even in sales. I have to compensate for being somewhat introverted, by keeping to a 1-on-1 format. It works best for me in sales by concentrating on the application of industry knowledge to help another person or business. Networking or social settings, where having to move from person to person, can be awkward at best. We are quite the group. Sometimes, fish out of water. But your article demonstrates the alternative: it's just fine!

  Thanks,

  David Berkey All Access Printing & Mailing c. 206.356.5873
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  Posted by Aubrie Abbott, Portland, Oregon | Oct 27, 2008

  Jamie -

  As a new coach starting my practice, this is great advice!

  I've been struggling a little bit with traditional networking and love the idea of having conversation instead.

  I used your tip on the welcome mat last week and found it easy to reach out to others.

  Thank you, Aubrie Abbott
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  Posted by Howard Howell, Seattle, Washington | Oct 28, 2008

  Jamie... Thanks for some good advice. As an introvert hiding behind an extrovert facade, I can relate. You actually have discovered conversational networking, part of Shameless Bragging without even being aware of it. ...Howard

  Entrepreneurial Sales Coaching by That Sales Guy
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  Posted by Rod Newbound, RN, Mount Vernon, Washington | Oct 28, 2008

  Excellent article for the shy and not so shy. Too much of our life is spent in working/business to not enjoy it. Jamie has clearly explained how she does that.

  I'm certain this article will resonate with a large percentage of networkers who find it really hard to know what to do when it comes to networking.
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  Posted by Albert Kaufman, Portland, Oregon | Oct 29, 2008

  Shy is not something to be proud of! I want to live in a world full of exhuberant, zestful, joyful and alive people, not shy ones. Instead of giving in to the fact that you're shy, and working around it, how about working on the shyness piece? Why are people shy? Probably has to do with early hurts from childhood. Rather than admit to shyness, why not take some time to look at that instead? A world of reserved people feels like a pretty boring place to me. Thanks, this has given me some thought about an article I may write on this topic as I often feel surrounded by zombies in this society! False extrovertedness is not what I'm prescribing, either - the super networker doesn't excite me, that much. But there must be a great place of middle ground where we can put out our welcome mats anywhere and really show up and be fully present.