<p>We've all heard many times how the eyes are "the mirrors of the soul." This is almost literally true: the eyes are the only part of the brain that is directly exposed to the outer world. Through them, we have a very direct connection to each other's inner world.</p> <p>Appropriate eye contact is often a cause for consternation, as customs vary in different cultures. In Indian and Asian societies, direct or prolonged eye contact is avoided, as it is considered rude or intrusive, especially with superiors and elders. Muslim communities avoid eye contact with members of the opposite sex, believing that it can encourage unwanted desire. Even in different regions of the United States, customs about eye contact can differ greatly. In Southern states, a good deal of eye contact is permitted, but in other areas (like Los Angeles, where I lived for a few years), eye contact is avoided like grim death.</p> <p>Why are we often uncomfortable making eye contact?</p> <p><strong>It's too intimate.</strong> It can be seen as a signal of intimacy and/or sexual interest.<br /><strong>It's too aggressive.</strong> Holding eye contact with someone can be taken as a hostile challenge (e.g., a challenge to fight). This sort of nonverbal message happens in humans as well as other species such as dogs. In dog society, holding eye contact establishes dominance. When a dog looks away from another dog, it is showing submission.<br /><strong>It's unnerving.</strong> It takes mental energy to focus and carry on a conversation, and intense or unbroken eye contact can hinder your mental processing.</p> <p>For some people, eye contact equals trust. If someone won't "look you in the eye," you might feel that they are hiding something.</p> <p>You may have experienced The Unblinking Stare. I know that I have! These are the people who never blink or break direct, unyielding eye contact no matter what. Conversations with unblinking starers can become uncomfortable, then creepy, and perhaps even dangerous.</p> <p>When you are unsure how the person you are talking to (the receiver) feels about eye contact, pace them. Watch unobtrusively. Let them demonstrate what they are comfortable with. If they are most comfortable with long, moderate, brief, or even virtually no eye contact, follow their lead. Don't try to force them to take on your preferred style. Remember that you can be flexible in your behavior. Rather than assume anything about the person's reasons for their style of eye contact, watch and learn. Investigate while maintaining rapport.</p> <p>Oftentimes, people's eyes follow gestures. If you can use your hands while talking - especially if using a metaphor or telling a story - you may capture the person's gaze. Try it and see what happens. Do they break eye contact to follow your hand, or continue to look into your&nbsp;eyes?</p> <p><strong>Remember VAK Styles</strong></p> <p>Some people process information more visually and may need more eye contact than others. Those who are more auditory or kinesthetic may not need a lot of eye contact. Listen to the terms that they use as they are speaking to figure out their preferred system:</p> <p>Visual: Enlighten, show, see, focus<br />Auditory: Hear, song, sound, ring, chime<br />Kinesthetic: Drag, grasp, solid, rough, scratchy</p> <p>Keeping these tips in mind will help you to successfully navigate toward the eye contact strategy that best helps you to build rapport. We're complex creatures, and what we do with our eyes while&nbsp;talking is only one piece of a very complicated communication puzzle, but it is an important one. As you gain flexibility and knowledge about eye contact strategies - your own and others' - you will move toward mastery.</p> 2009-01-29T01:58:50Z -11.353 592 2978 true 17 23766 making-eye-contact 0 2009-02-02T21:57:01Z 2009-02-02T21:57:01Z

It's happened to all of us: those moments when you don't know how much or where to look when you're talking with a friend, coworker, or client. The following tips will help.

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