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Share articleGood points .. all. I have an off-beat question dealing with eye contact when you have a lazy eye. I try not to conciously think about it so I don't even know if it is a real problem on the receiving end. Any thoughts?
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Naked Conversations for Natural Business Attraction
Be aware of these signs of communication cover-up. Transparency is the new secret to success.
Written Sep 16, 2008, read 439 times since then.
You may be familiar with the Adam and Eve story. A blissful day in the garden goes bad and the great cover-up begins.
We've also found ways of covering up our truth by sending mixed messages, adding unnecessary data, and distractions. Clear communication becomes clouded when we use the fig leaf filters of justifying, evasiveness and rambling.
1. Justifying The recent marketing articles caught my eye suggesting that it's no longer necessary to use your brochure to explain why it's important to buy. If someone is looking to build a website, you don't have to convince them that building a website is a good idea. They know it's important, that's why they're searching you out! Simply tell them how you work and their next step. The old way of advertising was a well-established company telling us why we need their product. For example, if you smoke Marlboros you'll be more appealing. If you chew Dentine you'll get more dates. Most of us can tell the difference between someone trying to convince us and someone sharing relevant information.
Justifying can also come in the form of making excuses (maybe that's where the term blah, blah, blah comes from). Rationalizing is often an attempt to hide true motivations. Listen when justification or rationalization creeps into the conversation and notice how you feel. Could there be a hidden message?
2. Being Evasive Have you ever asked someone a question only to have him or her avoid the answer? It's a pretty good indication that something is being hidden. It can be blatant or subtle. I love it when I know exactly what I'll be charged up front and have all the details on the table in advance. There's a clarity and openness that doesn't leave me guessing.
Lack of eye contact is another form of evasiveness. Sure, there are numerous studies saying if people are looking to the right it means they are thinking in the future, if they're looking to the left, they're thinking in the past. There's something to this, but if people aren't comfortable with eye contact, you can bet there's something they're trying to hide. It could be an attempt to coverup his or her insecurity or maybe they're simply lying.
The opposite of looking away is the aggressive stare. If you feel this, pay attention to your intuition and do business with someone else.
3. Rambling Like eye contact, there's a fine line between saying enough to be understood and saying too much. If people don't tell you enough, what does that tell you? They might be withholding information or maybe they're just insecure. We've also learned to mask insecurity by incessant chatter. Adding unnecessary information is like throwing a smokescreen over what's been said to cover the vulnerable parts. Haven't we all been around people (or been one) who ramble on too long? Pay attention to your gut. If it doesn't feel right, move on! Support people who speak their truth by doing business with them and shun the ones who add to the collective cover-up. Building your business on solid ground and growing it to its fullest capacity demands this kind of awareness.
These are just a few ways we cover up when we communicate with each other. One definition of naked is "without covering or protection, lacking decoration." Now I understand why I felt so uncomfortable around the glitzy dog and pony show power point presentations. Too much flash, do they just want my cash?
So, how can we be more naked and transparent with our communication?
1. Straightforward talk with words anyone can understand. Do everyone a favor and bottom-line what you have to say.
2. Learn to be comfortable with a pause in between statements. Try not to cover up the beautiful gift of silence. This gap, according to Dr. Wayne Dyer is where all potential lies. Give yourself and the ones you're talking with a little breathing room.
3. Look people in the eye (without it being a stare-down.) Soft, comfortable connection with your eyes, while speaking and listening from your heart is the enlightened way to speak. People of some cultures believe that not giving eye contact is implying the person doesn't exist. Don't cover them up! Let's recognize and really see each other. It's possible to acknowledge someone without agreeing.
4. Be naturally fluid and flowing. The opposite of a rigid mind is someone who is present and speaks gracefully. There will naturally be times when you are excited and talk fast. There will also be times your speech is slow and contemplative. One-way speaking keeps the other parts of us under wrap.
By exposing our deepest and truest thoughts, we'll earn the right to more business. It isn't always easy when the rent is due and manipulation has worked so well in the past, but this is a new era. It's time for speaking clearly, respecting people and building a strong business that lasts.
Sign up for Pamela's new free e-course for Thinking on Your Feet and Saying What You Want in the Moment at http://www.onlinespeakingschool.com
Learn more about the author, Pamela Ziemann.
Comment on this article
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Posted by Arne Antos, Gig Harbor, Washington | Sep 17, 2008 -
Posted by Nina Durfee, Sammamish, Washington | Sep 17, 2008Pamela, your article is expressed in the honest, straightforward manner that you tout in its content. I would add the element of listening to the mix -- listening with genuine curiosity about what is being said, without the distraction of framing what I want to say when it's my turn to talk.
Arne, I commend you for bringing up the courageous question of the lazy eye. It calls for an honest answer (the hardest kind!). My intention in any relationship is to relate with honesty and respect. When I face people who have challenges that are unfamiliar to me, a combination of feelings arises: guilt, inadequacy, discomfort, helplessness. I invite you to help me proceed gracefully in a way that honors both parties in the encounter. What works and what doesn't work for you?
Enjoy this awesome extension of summer!
Nina
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Posted by Arne Antos, Gig Harbor, Washington | Sep 17, 2008
Nina, appreciate your question. Reason why I brought it up was that the other day at Costco there was a 4 year old girl in a cart ahead of me in the checkout line and she asked me why my one eye was weird. This embarassed her mother to no end but I had to laugh out loud - child innocense. Its been that way since birth.
I don't consider it be be a detriment other than I lack depth perception and can't experience 3D movies. I am just concerned about the way it might affect the person I am talking to and possibly detract from my message. Perhaps wearing an eye patch during networking would put the concern to rest.
Otherwise just focus on the dominant eye and forget it would be my advice.
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Posted by Pamela Ziemann, Bellevue, Washington | Sep 17, 2008Arne,
Don't you love the honesty and innocence of children? If we have curiosity everyone has better understanding. I just read a quote this morning that said the biggest challenge we all have is how to remain childlike.
If I were you, I would read the body language of the person I'm speaking with. If they seem really uncomfortable with eye contact, I'd just mention something briefly and move on. When I speak with non-native English speakers, if I don't understand something they've said I ask them to repeat it or in some cases even write it down if they can't pronounce it. Then we're on the same page. It feels good to just address it.
Good point Nina, listening too can be covered up with all kinds of assumptions, prejudice and distractions of all kiinds.
Thanks for your comments ~
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Posted by Arne Antos, Gig Harbor, Washington | Sep 17, 2008
Pamela,
I like your suggestions and will use it from now on.
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Posted by Adrienne Vernon, Tacoma, Washington | Sep 17, 2008Wonderful reminders and suggestions! Good communication skills are so important in all aspects of life, and these are things that should be remembered and put into practice to effectively and authentically communicate.
I am especially aware of your point of being comfortable with a pause -- this is hard to do, and I have often struggled with this and have said "um" one too many times -- but it gives people a chance to get their thoughts together, say what they really mean, and it makes it less likely that you will talk over someone or ignore what someone else has to say by needlessly cutting them off or filling in space with rambling.
It is also hard to speak authentically if you are not TRULY being authentic or meaning what you say. Remembering to put these things into practice can keep you from not being honest and meaningful in every way possible.
Nina -- I appreciate your addition of the listening aspect. It isn't going to do you any good if the person you are communicating with doesn't think you care to listen to what they are saying!
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Posted by Jeff Fisher, Portland, Oregon | Sep 17, 2008Great article - but is anyone else already tired of the overuse of the word "transparency" in business? It seems to be the new "synergy," "out of the box," "on the same page," etc...
Jeff Fisher | Jeff Fisher LogoMotives | Vote for me! • StartupNation Home-Based 100
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Posted by Nina Durfee, Sammamish, Washington | Sep 17, 2008
Arne, thank you for your insightful response. You and Pamela both affirm my instinct -- honesty from all angles works best. When we pay attention to what feels right for us, we are better able to achieve clarity of focus -- internally, externally, and in all our relationships.
Nina
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Posted by Jeff Bean, Seattle, Washington | Sep 17, 2008Jeff,
I have seen a lot of the word "transparency," too. The question for me is whether it still conveys meaning?
If a common word, it's still doesn't appear a common practice. In my work of conflict management and dispute resolution, "transparency" is a very important value to promote and to distinguish our work from the more familiar litigation model.
Pamela masterfully wordsmiths "transparency" by enlivening it with the concepts of nakedness and cover-up. It's clear she means what we think it means!
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Posted by Ila Barlean, Seattle, Washington | Sep 17, 2008I have noticed the trend in business and communication changing. It is very different these days then it was even 3 to 5 years ago. Truely, less talk and fluff gets one a ton further.
Since I do business both in Seattle and Belllevue. I have noticed communication in these area is different even if there is just a 10 mile difference.
Seattle is like. Pull up a chair and have a cup of tea and did you see the bird go by as we served 20 customers in a matter of 10 min (a bit dramatic, but you get the idea)
Bellevue is more like. Say what you want, I will see if it is what I need and then move on. With this occational shop owner that really is courious and will ask more questions.
I have learned to be even more patient, silent, and think before I let my excitement take over, then speek what I need.
Pam thanks for shareing
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Posted by Grover Naslund, Bellevue, Washington | Sep 17, 2008Great article and good advice. I also find the pause a great tool. The larger the group the better. It's like in music, the most important musical notation in the rest.
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Posted by Allan Smith, St. Louis, Missouri | Sep 18, 2008Two points-- In sales, we are always told to shut up and listen. How is the prospect going to say "yes" or even formulate a question or response if I keep talking? Sometimes, I'm relieved not to have to hear myself talk, so what are others thinking?
As to transparency, when I've worked with non-profits, it is a huge word with very important connotations about integrity and full disclosure concerning budgets, spending and accounts. A little different application than above, but still wedded to the concept of honesty.
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Posted by Chris Wolf, Bellingham, Washington | Sep 19, 2008Thanks for this insightful and plainly-spoken article. Two thoughts:
- We are all wired to pick up on the subtleties in someone else's body language and voice while we talk with them. If you are nervous while talking, and you end up justifying, talking too much, etc... the other person will sense that, even un-consciously. They will trust you less. So to truly communicate with someone else, we have to RELAX-- not just pretend to relax, but actually relax. So take deep breaths, loosen your tense muscles, make sure you really believe what you are saying, and the other person will pick up on that and naturally trust you more.
- Eye contact is preferred in Anglo American culture, but not in all cultures, for example many Native American tribes. Thanks! --Chris
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Posted by Nina Durfee, Sammamish, Washington | Sep 19, 2008
Chris, you are so right about the subtleties of body language and voice.In our communications, as with anything we do, the more we accept ourselves for who we authentically are, the more harmonious our relationships will be, and therefore the more trust we will engender. When we attempt to mask the truth of who we are, others sense the dishonesty of that. Dr. Seuss said, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter."
Good day to all!
Nina
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Posted by Mike Schwagler, Redmond, Washington | Sep 21, 2008Love it!
Now if I could only learn the art of justifying, being evasive and creative rambling I'd run for office.... -Mike-P.S. One question RE: "1. Straightforward talk with words anyone can understand. Do everyone a favor and bottom-line what you have to say." What exactly do mean by "bottom line" what you have to say?
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Posted by Nina Durfee, Sammamish, Washington | Sep 21, 2008
Mike, I know your question is directed at Pamela, but I can't help but respond. I believe her succinct expression of statement #1 embodies what she means by "bottom lining" it. To "bottom line" is to cut to the chase, or as she so eloquently puts it in her 5 step process for authentic communication (wonderful workshop!): "Know when to stop."
Pamela, correct me if I haven't got the gist of your statement.
:)
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Posted by Pamela Ziemann, Bellevue, Washington | Sep 22, 2008
Yep, you got it, Nina.
Mike, Nina was at the workshop Sat. where we learned a process to intuitively know when to stop. It's wild... when there's empty space, most of us have a tendency to fill it up with chatter. The power and credibility come with knowing when you've said enough and then to be comfortable in the "gap" of silence.
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Posted by Marlene Rockey, Seattle, Washington | Sep 22, 2008Pamela, Communication is "tricky" at best and I believe we all struggle with it whatever form it takes. We need to be good students of ourselves and become aware of our communication style. Sometimes we are so comfortable with the way we have been communicating we don't realize we are not being effective much less why. You have reminded us of the many ways we sabotage ourselves and how to mend our ways. Very useful article.
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Posted by Alma Gray, Akron, Ohio | Sep 26, 2008How about instead of transparency: be real, be direct.
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Posted by Annette Suh, Seattle, Washington | Sep 30, 2008Hey great article!
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Posted by Pamela Ziemann, Bellevue, Washington | Sep 30, 2008
Hey Annette,
Was there anything specific you enjoyed about the article? Do you see any areas this information is relevant and helpful in your business?
Thanks for your ideas
Article tags
- honest
- communication
- dialogue
- true
- real
- speak
- speech
- presentation
- authentic
- rambling
- bellevue
- seattle
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