Passive Men and Wild, Wild Women

Men aren't born passive.  Women aren't born wild.  We just have that effect on each other … too often.

When and why does a conversation become one-sided, or dissolve into conflict, and how can you turn it around and stay sane? 

Here's some gut instincts research-based insights on:
- Why things often go sour between the sexes, followed by
- Four suggestions for smoother, more satisfying ways to stay connected:

At work, the man is often active, articulate, assertive, and usually successful in his conversations, especially with other men. 

But at home he can become inactive, inarticulate, and withdrawn.
He becomes passive with his wife – especially in certain situations.

Yet even when the woman works outside the home she tends to communicate in a more active way at home - and instinctively wants the same style from her mate. 

His apparent passivity drives her crazy. 

In the face of his further retreat, she goes wild.*
Then he becomes more still, and escapes at the first opportunity.

In personal relationships women often want too much talk, as men sees it. 
She feels resentful, complains, keeps asking questions, talks more, may even act bitter. 

He feels he can’t meet her needs and ends up feeling guilty and sulks. 
They both end up blaming each other.

He thinks:  If only she’d shut up.
She thinks:  If only he'd talk to me.

Here’s four ways women are more likely to engage men in the positive, lively conversation we crave:

Suggestion #1: “Stop Talking Sooner”

Or, less politely, "shut up sooner. As a child my mother washed my mouth out with soap for saying “shut up” yet that’s sound advice for women in trying to connect with men.   Women are usually immediately aware of our feelings, able to express them, usually comfortable in explaining, and asking, and elaborating... in considerable detail.

Our verbal agility can inadvertently create a wall, as women, if it gets us out of sync with men. At times, in personal, social and work situations, men and women will get closer if the speed of the conversation and the amount of words slows down.

When women feel that men are not listening, we tend to “rise” to the occasion by raising our voice and verbiage.  That is we tend to say more, faster, more intensely and at a higher volume. It is as if we are thinking, “What I said and how I said it did not work so I will do more of what did not work, and expect a different outcome.”

Our pace in conversation is faster and more multi-dimensional. We rush past and around most men. 

We need to allow a man to respond, a point at a time, at his pace, without interrupting or finishing his sentences.

If the strongest complaint women have about men is that they do not listen, then we must work hardest on leaving the time for them to speak.*

Suggestion #2: “Sidle”

While women prefer to talk, face-to-face, men pefer to sidle, standing side by side.  Research shows that both women and men like each other more and get along better when standing or sitting side-by side.

Suggestion #3: “Get Moving”

Any woman who wants better relations with a man should “walk it out”: talk while walking to the meeting, around the block, etc.

Further, when men and women are walking or eating together their body motions become more similar so they get more in sync.  Even vital signs (heartbeat, skin temperature, eye pupil dilation) become more similar) so we are more likely to feel a natural, easy kinship.

In motion we tend to experience the best, rather than the worst side in the opposite sex.  That's good news.  Yes?

Suggestion #4 “’See’ the Situation Their Way”

Women crave longer and more continuous eye contact than men. 
To help men feel more comfortable let go of that unremitting eye gaze.  Glance away sometimes as a man is inclined to do while thinking. 
His glance away does not necessarily mean avoidance so don’t act as if it does by a your harsh tone, words or glance. 
He may be trying to gather his thoughts.