Silence is Not Golden

Did you know that 48 percent of people don’t address conflict in their lives because they fear the consequences of speaking up? Some of us fear saying the wrong thing and making the situation much worse.  Others of us don’t know what to say and believe that if we are silent the conflict will eventually disappear. So what do half of us do when we’re in conflict at work?  We remain silent. Why Do We Chose Silence? There are many obvious reasons we remain silent. We don’t want to be seen as difficult or petty.  We ignore small irritations.  We overlook big problems in the rush of getting work done. We swallow our discontent, a meal that leaves a cold, hard lump in our stomachs that we can’t fully digest.    Those times when we choke down conflict are the same moments when our inner voice, the voice inside our heads, is loud with taunts of “I should have said this’ or ‘Next time it happens I’ll say that’.  But next time, we ignore, overlook and rationalize again. There are times when old childhood lessons keep us silent.  We remember hearing our mom saying things like: Remember, no fighting Please be polite It’s not nice to talk back Don't whine No doubt the lessons were meant to help us socialize with others or be respectful, but we also learned that we can’t or shouldn’t speak up for ourselves when differences arise.  We were taught to accept offending words or behaviors in silence because to do otherwise would be destructive.  And as a result, we often feel undermined and/or unappreciated. The Cost of Silence The peace that’s bought by our silence comes at an enormous cost to us as individuals and to the various communities, at work and at home, to which we belong. Failing to advocate for ourselves, to speak up, causes our inner voice to judge harshly.  We get angry when we perceive ourselves as being weak or acting like a doormat for others.  That anger is tiring, distracting and may lead to health concerns. Silence within organizations is equally costly.  By our silence, we collude with others on our team to keep the status quo, even when it is ineffective or abusive.    We lose faith in each other and the system because everyone knows there’s a problem but no one will speak out to change things.  Eventually, productivity, innovation, trust and good working relationships are lost. Breaking the Silence What can you do to reclaim your voice?  Start slowly, and with practice you’ll be ready to change your life and your office for the better by saying your piece.  <ul> <li>Increase your awareness. Recognize those moments when you’d like to say something, to be assertive, but don’t do it.  </li> </ul> Ask yourself: What am I afraid will happen if I speak up now?  Honestly answer the question for yourself and see if a pattern develops around what situations are difficult for you. <ul> <li>Make a simple observation to get feedback. Often we’re silent when we think others disagree with our conclusions.  That’s because we phrase our conclusions, our opinion, as a fact.  Try labeling your opinion what it actually is: an observation with an interpretation added. </li> </ul> For example: Observation: The thermometer reads 65 degrees.  That’s your  observation of an event or fact.   Interpretation: It’s cold.  That’s your interpretation of the observed fact based on your personal perspective ( maybe you grew up in Hawaii). Here’s a real-life example, a colleague often annoys you by putting her dirty lunch dishes in the sink instead of the dishwasher like everyone else.  Instead of fuming silently you might say, “I notice you put your dishes in the sink, not the washer.  Why is that?” By asking you’ve created an opportunity to exchange of information and the beginning of a dialogue.  After explaining her rationale your colleague just might inquire you why you asked.  Then, you have an opportunity to share your interests (either in a clean kitchen or in having everyone pitches in, etc.)  Best part—you are your own advocate for change without judging her or shortchanging yourself. <ul> <li>Practice.  Practice doesn’t make perfect; it makes improvement.  Practice first on smaller issues that aren’t emotionally charged.  As you gain experience and success you can tackle more sensitive challenges.</li> </ul> I hear your inner voice saying sounds simple but what if I say the wrong thing or it doesn’t work.  Two thoughts: 1) It will work, even if initially co-workers look at you a little funny. They will appreciate your attempts to be understanding and work things out; and, 2) Your goal is to make yourself more competent in conflict situation, not control anyone else.  If you grow to feel calmer and more empowered, you’ve benefited. Silence as a Tool One last thought, silence isn’t always a harmful.  Within the conflict management field, silence is often used as a powerful tool that enables disputing parties to have the time and space they need to reflect or express themselves.    The real question is not whether there’s silence but what is the silence being used for.  Ask yourself: what does my silence serve, my fear or a better dialogue?  You just may find that sometimes, silence can be golden. 2009-07-15T22:52:49Z

2009-07-16T05:49:32Z

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silence-is-not-golden

2009-07-15T22:47:49Z

2009-07-16T05:49:32Z

If you're a business owner who prefers to 'let sleeping dogs lie' with colleagues, employees or clients when issues arise, your silence might be dooming yourself or your business.

Silence is Not Golden

2009-07-16T14:03:14Z