<p>You know the scenario - you've just launched into a talk with someone and pretty soon, you realize that you're not "engaged in conversation" but rather "trapped in a monologue." Person X has gone for nearly five minutes without a break, a pause, a question, or even a breath! You don't really want to interrupt, preferring to wait until you're given some sort of "go ahead" sign to respond, but the sign never appears.</p> <p>This is the Conversational Narcissist*, and he or she is using a type of verbal dominance that is focused not on <strong>inter</strong>action but on <strong>inner</strong>action. That is to say, he is blocking out the rest of the world and any input/stimuli while speaking. He may be nervous, or unprepared (and so is hoping to "dazzle with quantity"), or uninterested in you and what you have to say, or naturally chatty, or any combination of the above.</p> <p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">So what can you do? Here are a couple of options. They can be used individually or in conjunction.</p> <p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">&nbsp;</p> <p><strong>Break State (or Pattern Interrupt)</strong></p> <p>The idea is to break the person's "train of words" by doing something nonverbal (visual and kinesthetic). You don't have to be as dramatic as tossing a box of paperclips to the floor (although that might be needed!).</p> <p>Use a subtle nonverbal signal. Turn away for a second; break eye contact. Stand up. Pick up something on your desk or look at your watch.</p> <p>Give a "time out" sign. Place your hand in a "stop" position (like a traffic cop) or in a "T" position for "time out." Bounce the flat of one hand on the fingertips of the other hand. If the speaker knows what you're signaling, he may take a break. If he doesn't, he'll probably stop to ask, "What are you doing?"</p> <p><strong>Interrupt</strong></p> <p>Conversational Narcissists, in my experience, are not offended by being interrupted and will probably continue talking until they realize that you have taken the conversational reins and aren't giving up. Then they'll stop to listen. Even if you're the type of person who really dislikes interrupting, it's a useful skill to have.</p> <p><strong>Address the Issue Directly</strong></p> <p>When there finally is a break, or after you have created one, say something like "I'd like to get more out of our discussion with more back and forth. I have some great ideas that I'd like to share with you. Let's agree to share the air time - okay by you?"</p> <p>In these ways, you can make sure that there's a more equal playing field in your interaction. Without being rude or angry, you can nudge open a "space" for yourself in the conversation. You'll feel better by doing so and have more of a two-way discussion rather than suffering through a lecture. Stay positive, maintain rapport, and act before you're ready to explode. Step up and claim the conversational "territory" that you are entitled to.</p> <p>* "Conversational narcissism" is mentioned in <em>Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others </em>by Steven Beebe, Susan Beebe, and Mark Redmond (Pearson Education, 2005).</p> 2009-01-22T01:34:40Z -11.5647 818 2901 true 17 23766 the-conversational-narcissist 6 2009-01-26T16:55:20Z 2009-01-26T16:55:20Z

What to do when you "can't get a word in edgewise"

0 2009-02-24T09:48:46Z