Zita Gustin

GPS Facilitator for Business Owners
Bellevue, Washington

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The No-Heartburn Networking Coffee Date

Coffee dates are seen as a great way to connect with others and expand our networks. But these dates often go sideways and wrong turning into pitchfests that leave many feeling burned. Get proactive and leave the heartburn behind.

Written May 21, 2008, read 4592 times since then.

We've all experienced this. Well most of us have. If you haven't, count yourself lucky...or smarter than the rest of us.

It Starts Innocently Enough

You meet someone new at a networking event. This someone says to you, "Gee, I'd love to learn more about your business ... let's get together and have coffee."

And you are thinking to yourself, "Great! I've got a live one here. Someone actually wants to learn about my business." So you get out your calendar and you find a mutually agreeable date. Later and prior to your meeting, you'll start to plan out what you will say, eager to share your innermost hopes and desires about your business with this person who has shown an interest in learning more about you.

You are also secretly hoping that this person will want to do business with you OR that they will then take your information and become an advocate for you by spreading good "word of mouth" about you to their many contacts, friends, and associates.

Reality Sets In

With eager anticipation, you arrive early to the agreed upon location and you get settled in. Your coffee date arrives and you exchange a few moments of niceties. And then, things start to tip a little sideways.

The first thing you notice is that Ms. or Mr. Coffee Date, has brought along a laptop computer that they begin to set up. You're thinking, "Wow, they are going to take notes of what I say about my company." And you are very impressed.

All the while, Mr./Ms Coffee Date is smiling and chatting away with you. And as soon as the laptop is up and running, they spin it around and begin to give you a mini-presentation on their business.

They are very smooth at this.

The room seems to tip a little further sideways. You begin to feel confused. A voice in your head says, "Hey, wait a minute ... I thought this was going to be about me?" Meanwhile, you smile graciously and you nod your head in some bobble headed sort of way as you try to figure out ... what the heck is going on here?

This is the classic bait and switch

When someone invites you to go to have coffee with them so that they can learn about you, you have a reasonable expectation that the discussion will be primarily focused on you and your business. And while there are many honorable people out there who will never do what I've described above ... there are many more who are looking for naive people to play this game on.

So how do you protect yourself from having this happen to you?

Manage and protect your time better - invite more people to attend the coffee date.

A One on one Coffee Date or Lunch with someone new that you've just met is rarely a good use of your time. Let's take a look at how much time a 1/2 hour coffee date really takes. There's preparation time, drive time to, time actually spent at the coffee date, drive time from, and decompression time (or making sense of it time). A half hour coffee date can easily suck up 3 hours of your time. An hour long coffee date will use up 4 or more hours of your time.

If you are going to make that much time for marketing your business, then make it more productive by inviting 2 or 3 additional people to attend the coffee date. There is safety in numbers, for people rarely behave badly in front of a group.

The ideal size for a Group Coffee Date is 3 or 4 people. This makes conversation very easy for all to participate in and there is not the likelihood for crosstalk and sidebar discussions that can be distracting. When you get 5 people at a table there is always going to be one who feels like the 3rd wheel. The group dynamic breaks down and the conversation is difficult for all parties to be involved in and to follow.
Before accepting a coffee date, find out the agenda

When someone invites you to attend a coffee date, always find out what a coffee date means to them. What will we talk about? Who goes first? How long will we each talk? What is the expected outcome?

Remember that the underlying reason to meeting with people is to grow your social capital. You want to be building relationships with people. That means a certain amount of giving must take place ... from all parties concerned.

Building relationships come from good conversations and good conversations are well balanced, informative, interesting, and mutually enjoyable. So have a map of how you want the conversation to go.
Set your own policy for how you participate

Why not be proactive? Think about how YOU want the marketing game to be played with respect to Coffee and Lunch dates.

Tools for a Marketing Coffee or Lunch date

Agenda - Type up your own, or follow this one:

Sample Agenda for a 1 hour Coffee Date beginning at 10AM with 4 attendees

The goal of this Coffee/Lunch Date is so that each person attending has the opportunity to learn about the others and also share information about themselves and their business. In learning about each other, we learn to help spread the word about each other's businesses. In asking questions, we learn to better define how we talk about your business so that we can help you to connect with potential clients. We get and give clarity so that we can drive better potential customers to each other. And we make a committment to each other to keep our eyes and ears open for potential connections.

9:50AM - 4 people who have been invited to attend arrive

10AM - Host (person who invited everyone) goes over the Agenda noting that each person will get 5 minutes to talk about themselves and their business and then 5 minutes for question and answer. Show the participants the timer, that it is set for 5 minutes, that when the timer goes off they need to move to the Q&A segment, and then when it goes off the 2nd time they are done. And then explain that the timer will then move on to the next person.

10:05AM First person begins talking
10:10AM First person moves into Q&A mode

10:15AM 2nd Person begins talking
10:20AM 2nd Person moves into Q&A mode

10:25AM 3rd Person begins talking
10:30AM 3rd Person moves into Q&A mode

10:35AM 4th Person begins talking
10:40AM 4th Person moves into Q&A mode

10:45AM - 10:55AM Open discussion and exchanging of business cards, leads, referrals, possible connections

11:00AM Meeting is over

What you'll need:

Digital Countdown Timer (Walgreens, Fred Meyer, Target)
Business Cards
Brochures or other collateral material
Thank you card for follow up after

No More Heartburn - Just Better Connections

When you are proactive and create the type of small group marketing session that you want to have YOU are in the driver's seat. Other people will appreciate the venue that you have created to help them spread the word about their businesses.

You will be seen as the crafty connector who helps people by making it easier to grow their businesses through connections that you helped to facilitate.

You will have maximized your time with highly productive encounters and isn't that what we all want?

Zita Gustin helps business people realize the many opportunities presented through social contact (whether online or face 2 face) to spread the word about their businesses.

www.thesavvynetworker.com provides many tips and ideas for GREAT connections.

The ABC's of Networking ... Always Be Connecting!

Learn more about the author, Zita Gustin.

Posted by Bob Dunn, Seattle, Washington | May 22, 2008

Hi Zita, an interesting concept here. In my 15 years of networking, I have run into a few of those situations, but, to be honest, I still like the free flow of the "networking coffee date". This really reminds me of speed networking. I'd love to hear if anyone tries this and how it goes.

I must admit I do love to meet people for coffee, or wine or beer. Those one on one are great relationship builders. The groups, as you are pointing out, can be a challenge. Agenda's can be life savers, especially in board and committee meetings. I must admit if someone took out a timer, I would think to myself, "what the heck do they have planned?"

But this does bring to mind one supposedly "date". I was asked to meet for coffee, let's get to know each other, blah, blah, blah. He suggested we meet at the coffee shop right across from his office. I suggested somewhere between his and mine. He paused and said he just didn't have the time. So...

Again, this is an interesting idea and would love to know if you do this yourself and how it turns out for you.

Bob
Posted by Matt Cassarino, Seattle, Washington | May 22, 2008

That's a great idea, well put.

Take it to the next level and start up your own "Insiders" group that meets monthly to discuss specific issues and challenges facing their business. This is a great way to share experience and to connect on a deeper level with local entrepreneurs.
Posted by Debbie Whitlock, Bellevue, Washington | May 22, 2008

Zita, this is a great concept. I found in my own networking I was running into time constraints that were keeping me away from my business too long with my many networking meetings. You suggested this to me some time ago and I have found that small groups of 4 do still provide for great connection and because we all understand it is in the spirit of relationship building and time sensitivity - we all leave the meeting incredibly jazzed about the people we have met.

Thank you again for sharing your great tips for successful networking.
Posted by Frank Devin, Seattle, Washington | May 22, 2008

Great stuff Zita, almost like a business version of Conversation Cafe.
Posted by Zita Gustin, Bellevue, Washington | May 22, 2008

Hi Bob,

Thank you for your comments. To answer your question, yes, I do this for myself and for others and it is a highly productive way to get to know more people in a structured setting.

Time is the one challenge that most busy professionals discuss when it comes to networking. When you meet with relatively new people one - on - one, you really are limited to how well you can extend your contact base in an efficient yet meaningful way. When you leverage your time (and the time of the other attendees as well) you can masterfully expand your connections, while building rapport and extending your top of mind awareness with new groups of people.

This style of coffee date is nothing like speed dating or speed networking. Each person attending gets 10 minutes of personal focus on them and their business and the timer is used to make sure that each person is heard equally. I've yet to meet anyone who was uncomfortable with the timer once they realize that everyone is guaranteed to be heard.

And the benefit of everyone being heard is that the real reason for getting to know each other really well is not necessarily the business that we, at the table, will do with each other ... it is our ability, then, to be able to help each other via word of mouth.

As we move through our work a day worlds, we keep in mind the folks we have met, learned about, and grown to know better, and we talk about them to the people we already know. We become connectors for each other. We become walking, talking billboards for each other.

I will agree with you that there will be many who will be uncomfortable with this concept. Primarily because it is a new and different take on what a coffee date or lunch date has been in the past. But many who are struggling with "how do I make time for networking" will find this idea to have merit and to be worth a try.

And, this approach quickly weeds out the folks who really have the intent of meeting with you so that you can get to know them at their convenience ... just like the guy you mentioned in your post above. Clearly, the meetup was to be all about him, his convenience, etc ... and as I am surmising from your comment, you chose wisely to not participate.

And finally, I'm not suggesting that people never have one-on-one coffee dates or lunches with people. Once you have built a relationship with someone and you want to deepen that relationship, it is entirely appropriate to invest the time and energy to do so in a one to one setting. I will tell you, though, that even then, I often set it up so that I invite several people who I know and like and think they would enjoy meeting each other so that we can all continue to expand our networks!

The ABC's of Networking ... Always Be Connecting!
Posted by Sven Mogelgaard, Bothell, Washington | May 22, 2008

Hi Zita,

Like Bob, I'm not sure this would apply to the majority of mu coffee dates. I like them to be less structured. If I get someone who turns out to be trying to strongarm me into their downstream or whatever, I've learned to shut them down pretty quickly.

That being said, you've given me a great insight in how to improve my networking. I'm inspired to save time and learn more about others while giving others the same opportunity. You've always talked about the three oe so folks you want to connect with at larger events. Setting up a "mini event" could be great for all concerned.

Thanks for another great idea!
Posted by Danielle Hermeler, MBA, Seattle, Washington | May 22, 2008

Hi Zita,

This makes sense! Thanks for sharing your insights.
Posted by Bob Dunn, Seattle, Washington | May 22, 2008

Thanks Zita, I appreciate your response. And you are right, there are so many different ways to network, this may be the one that works for them.

I was recently on a panel for networking with Dan McComb, Pamela Ziemann, and one other individual. And the consensus was that each individual needs to find the kind of networking that works best for them. Like the old adage, "different strokes for different folks".

But we do agree on one thing, it' all about relationships.
Posted by Jennifer Manlowe, Bainbridge Island, Washington | May 22, 2008

Great advice, Zita. When I was first starting out as a creative career advisor in Atlanta, I invited 4 other newbies to join me to brainstorm ways to bring more of our creative selves to our current business or shift from unsatisfying work to making better money for what we really loved to do. I called this group The Creative Career Consortium and, because it was a weekly support group from 5-7pm, we set the timer for 15" for tips and support after hearing 10" for check ins that included: what worked and what didn't re: goals for the week and what ways will you shift strategy for next time? We also had a spiritual component to our group that honored the possibility that there might be a larger force at play (beyond economics) as to what helps us let go of muscling toward change by willpower alone. FYI, each one of these 5 women are now thriving in their respective businesses.

P.S. No need to come from the same business background. Diversity can really help each member think fresh!
Posted by Madhu Sarkar, Redmond, Washington | May 22, 2008

Zita, This coffee date example is a useful concept to remember when we are meeting someone, since we as business persons do want others to know about our company and what we can do for others.
What I have found very compelling and this has worked well for me is to do the antithesis of the example of the coffee date that you mentioned in your article. If we take a genuine interest in learning about the other person's business and find ways to connect the person to an ideal client or propose a business opportunity that can benefit the person and us, then it is a start to a trust relationship between the person and us.
Posted by Dave Liston, University Place, Washington | May 22, 2008

Even if you're doing a small one-on-one it's a useful concept to have an agenda that consists of what you want to learn about the other person and what you hope to communicate yourself. At the end of the notes you may take, you can write a summary of what was accomplished and what is still to be done, it's possible to do it in the last 5-10 minutes before you part... Thanks for your thoughtful article!
Posted by Debbie Rosemont, CPO, Sammamish, Washington | May 22, 2008

Hi Zita,

I've recently started the "small group" (3-4) coffee dates in place of most of the 1-1's and really like it. I get to hear about and focus on a few people within that time (and afterwards as I go on my way and think of how I might be able to help them) and they get to share their business, needs, wishes, etc. with several people, increasing their exposure and the chance that one of us may come through with an idea, a future referral, or a connection that may help them.

I've also tried to do a better job of "screening" for the "I'd love to meet you for coffee to get to know you better" that really translates to "I'd like some free consulting on your area of expertise". I'm all for sharing and giving, but there is a line ... I've come up with some tactful ways to address these "invitations", but it wasn't easy at the beginning. Anyone else experience these types of coffee dates?
Posted by Deb Stadelman, Bellevue, Washington | May 22, 2008

Hi Zita, This is a great way to turn a coffee date into a way to connect with more people in the same amount of time. As a busy working professional, it makes sense to be more focused and to spend my time more wisely. I appreciate all of the tips that you have given.
Posted by Mark Tillman, Kirkland, Washington | May 22, 2008

Zita, I love the concept. Everything is clear, precise and upfront about expectations.

I'm willing to give it a try as soon as I find a location suitable. May I use your sample agenda?

My guess is that it may attract people who are not comfortable with networking in large groups, or people who simply cannot make happy hour events.

Your Next Home is Here
Posted by Linda Moore Kurth, Vancouver, Washington | May 22, 2008

Debbie wondered how many of us has experienced coffee dates that turn out to be used as a "free consultation." I'm just expanding my writing business to retail, so my experience has been with wanna be writers. As a newbie, I was helped myself, so I never say "No" right off. But after one too many diappointing coffees (she never showed or called to apologize), I've learned to be very careful. I've found that if one gives too freely, one becomes like Rodney Dangerfield. I think it's a great idea to agree on a true agenda before saying "Yes."
Posted by Judy Dunn, Seattle, Washington | May 22, 2008

I think my problem here is one of semantics. People have called this "screening" and "brainstorming" and "support groups," which are to me very different from "coffee dates." I see these other kinds of groups as great ways to find common ground, discuss issues, share strategies, etc. I don't do that well on a "first date."

I think one of the suggestions Zita had that was valuable for me was to have an agenda. Not to distribute to other people at a first coffee date, but to have in my own mind. What is my goal for this meeting.? What do I want to accomplish? I would also want to know why my "date" wants to have coffee—ahead of time. If their goals do not fit with mine, perhaps the time isn't right to meet.

On the other hand, I have on occasion met someone at an event that I so absolutely clicked with and got to spend quite a bit of time with. When it is obvious that there are ways I can help them, or vice versa, I schedule a meeting with them right there and then.

I guess each networking situation is different for me and no one plan works for all. I think that learning and thinking styles would come into play here, too. (Concrete, sequential thinker vs the abstract, random thinker, in terms of structure or informal.

This article gave me so much to think about, Zita. Thanks for sharing.
Posted by Lisa Kee, Everett, Washington | May 22, 2008

Hi Zita!

I have fallen prey to the over anxious sales person more than once. The one thing I have learned from those meetings is how NOT to act. I will definitely use some of your suggestions in the future.

The other thing I started doing, if I may add, is just making the opening statement, "What can we do to help each other build our businesses. I have some ideas for you, and would appreciate any you might have for me." This gives the opportunity for them to talk about what they do, but also shows them the expectation from me to be able to do the same.

Lisa
Posted by Derek Bough, Des moines, Iowa | May 22, 2008

Zita,

This concept is nothing short of amazing. I am involved in several groups ranging from speed networking to "mill about the room" events. A business acquaintance of mine once said the goal of speed networking should be to arrange an hour meeting with someone to get to know them better. After all, how well can you get to know someone in 5 minutes let alone trust them enough to give a referral? By bringing 4 people together in an organized fashion, you are actually spending an hour getting to know each other and the potential for a relationship increases significantly. What a great use of an hour!

Derek
Posted by Cathy Goodwin, Seattle, Washington | May 22, 2008

I agree with you on this one. Actually, inviting multiple people sounds like creating a biznik event, but by invitation only. Howard Howell's lunches work exactly as you suggested.

I think the success of this type of networking depends on how effectively you attract your target market. For instance, most of my clients are online and they're united by a need to make money from websites. So unless I'm a speaker, with a very targeted topic, most networking turns out to be a waste of time for me (although I can have fun).
Posted by Leslie Irish Evans, Sammamish, Washington | May 22, 2008

A very good tip, Zita! I think I can see usefullness for both scenarios (provided, of course, that everyone p"lays nice"), but it's nice to have this model in my repertoire!
Posted by Michael Enquist, Edmonds, Washington | May 22, 2008

Oh well. I seem to have been extremely naive. In looking back on my one-on-ones I realize that I was focussed way too much on presenting my side and not enough on what the others have to bring.

I have been the one who made a pitch, but have to beg inexperience and over-zealousness rather than any kind of "nefarious scheme."

There should be another article on "How to meet quota without burning others out."

Thanks,

ME
Posted by Sukie Baxter, Seattle, Washington | May 22, 2008

Hi Zita,

Lovely article, concise and well-written. I do like the notion of inviting more than one person to a coffee date. Someone I had planned to meet invited a third party along once, and it worked out well. It seems to take the pressure off a little, plus with more people, you also get a greater variety of questions about your business. Then everyone gets to learn something they might not have thought to ask about.

I have to say, I'm not crazy about the timer, although agreeing to give everyone equal time is a good idea. Timers = pressure for me, and I go into "professional" mode (where I'm a bit more guarded), which can be a barrier for someone really trying to get to know me. Just one perspective.

~Sukie
Posted by Zita Gustin, Bellevue, Washington | May 22, 2008

Thanks, Sukie.

I understand about the timer = pressure for some.

Let me explain why I think the timer really helps everyone. Over the many years that I have been networking and especially over the past 3 as leader of a large networking group, I have had the distinct opportunity to watch groups of people in action.

If there is one thing that I've learned, it is this, "Everyone does not have the same relationship with time."

There are always those who will monopolize a conversation and most folks don't know how to get them to stop.

Then there are those who are timid and think that they don't have much to say.

There are those of us who are respectful of others and play by the "do unto others as you would like them to do unto you" (which means we respect each person and give them their share of the "talk" time).

And, since so many different types of people can be seated with each other during a roundtable discussion, a timer helps to make sure that all voices are heard.

This delights those that never can get a word in edgewise and confounds those who can't seem to get to the point in the allotted time. The truest reason to use a timer is the level playing field. Everyone knows what to expect and it makes for more harmonious meetings.

I hope that helps to explain the reason that I suggest using timers. People can certainly adjust these ideas to make them work for their own preferences.

The ABC's of Networking ... Always Be Connecting!
Posted by Lisa Kee, Everett, Washington | May 22, 2008

I hosted a small Biznik event a few weeks ago, and definitely saw the need for the timer. I tried to do it without, just to see how it went, and it was a train wreck. One person seemed to take up most everyone's time, and it was very frustrating to all. Like Mike said a couple comments ago, I am sure it was unintentional but frustrating nonetheless. Thank you so much for writing on this. I think some people will come away with a new understanding on how they might be coming accross.
Posted by Tshombe Brown, Portland, Oregon | May 22, 2008

Zita, I also like this concept of adding a structured component so that everyone benefits and our valuable time is maximized.

I'm fortunate that I have not fallen prey to someone who monopolized the coffee meeting with their agenda, but I think this has been because we were both clear at the outset of why we were getting together in the first place. I've never used a timer at one-on-ones, but with agreed-upon time constraints (and reiterating what they are at the beginning of the meeting), has served me well more often than not.

What you describe appears to be very much like a Biznik event, as Cathy points out, or other hybrid networking/social events I've been to. Formal networking and leads groups like BNI use timers as you suggest to guarantee that everyone's time is respected.

I think my take-away is that whatever we do in the way of networking and relationship-building, to be strategic and open about goals and intentions -- whether that be in the form of a written agenda or simply verbalized.

For example, this format and example agenda you offer can be used very effectively if one of your strategic goals is to increase your visibility as "a connector."

I recently reached out to a contact of mine who I thought would benefit from a service that a fellow Biznik member provides. Since I also have not been in touch with the contact for a time, we arranged for me to formally introduce the Biznik member to my contact over coffee. This is great because if affords all three of us the opportunity to connect.

Now what if I had created that situation on purpose rather than by accident?

What if, as part of my networking and referral-building strategy, I not only was on the look out for people I know who could potentially benefit from meeting each other, but actually arranged and set up the coffee meeting where I introduced them? That's a win-win-win.

Thanks, Zita. This is great stuff. It's when we have specific systems in place and strategic, deliberate, and purposeful reasons for what we are doing in our businesses, that we mutually gain the most measurable benefit.

Listen to the NEW Selling With Spirit Radio Hour
Posted by Carol Skolnick, Santa Cruz, California | May 22, 2008

Sounds just like Facebook to me! No sooner do I get an invitation to be a "Facebook friend" from someone who knows someone I know, then I get buried under a pile of their self-serving self-promotion. I mean, let's have coffee, enjoy the coffee, leave the PowerPoints in the office and use our time together wisely and for our mutual edification!

I'm glad you're here, Zita; we solopreneurs need lots and lots of instruction in the social and social media graces.
Posted by Diane Bridgwater, Bothell, Washington | May 22, 2008

I have experienced this and over the years have made sure that there is a reason for meeting on both sides. I not only want to meet the person and learn about their business but about them. I however, don't want to be "sold" too. I really like the idea you provide about inviting more people, that saves a lot of "coffee dates" and time and I think will stimulate a lot of ideas and provide possible more connections with each other.

Everyone has their own style but I think having some structure to the meeting is always important. Great article, Zita, you always have such expert info.
Posted by Kristin Schuchman, Portland, Oregon | May 23, 2008

Has anyone had the experience of having someone else schedule a casual "get-to-know-more-about-your-business" coffee date but wound up getting grilled for information and expertise throughout the entire meeting?

I had this happen recently and felt a bit burned afterwards. I generally don't mind sharing my ideas with people about marketing, but this felt like a grilling for information, and it was clear that the person was mining me for information so that he wouldn't need to hire me.

I like the idea of crafting an agenda for these meetings.
Posted by Melissa Wadsworth, Seattle, Washington | May 23, 2008

Great ideas for people to try. I've tried both one on one and group meetings. The interesting thing for me is that the meetings with 2 or 3 people actually seem to get focused on how we can best refer each other's businesses right from the start. The one-on-one meetings have been more get-to-know-ALL-about-you meetings in which we often share more personal information. That's something I keep in mind now when I set up meetings.
Posted by Jason Brady, Lynnwood, Washington | May 24, 2008

Hi Zita, Great ideas and suggestions. It makes perfect sense to establish meeting goals and an agenda in advance. People's time is valuable. Like you said, one meeting can take half a day when you factor in travel time and preparation. That is a serious commitment; best for all concerned to maximize the time invested.
Posted by Louise Johnson, Lynnwood, Washington | May 26, 2008

Zita, this article was extremely valuable for me. When I do have 1:1s, unless I go first I usually forget to move from the other person to me, because I find them and what they do so fascinating. But, through this article, I see that that shortchanges them too, because they also wanted to learn about what I do. It had never occurred to me to actually bring a timer. One can only check one's phone so many time to see what time it is without seeming quite rude! Not to mention risking the phone ringing during the meeting. The timer will help a lot, I think. I also very much appreciate the tips about having 3 and no more than 4 people meet at once. I do have very few hours to spend networking, and this will enable me to maximize that time, as well as the time of others. Thank you!
Posted by Betsy Talbot, Seattle, Washington | May 27, 2008

Zita, it might be all that caffeine we are drinking at the coffee shops that make us go on and on and on about ourselves. :-)

Great points about respecting each other's talents and time. No one wants to have either one wasted or taken advantage of.
Posted by Amy Centers, Bellevue, Washington | Jun 16, 2008

Zita, Great information here. I really like your tip for heading off the "bait and switch" by inviting a few others also interested in MY business. It is a more efficient way to operate AND guards against subversive self-promoters. Amy
Posted by Kate Phillips, Seattle, Washington | Aug 24, 2008

Ha! I thought I had set up a real estate appointment once, but actually, the guy had intended it to be a "date"! Awkward.

I love the idea of inviting more people. You're right, a little coffee date can take "hours."

But I think I'll leave the timer at home, though I like the idea of agreeing how time will be spent.