The Truth Shall Set You Free

It takes two to speak the truth, one to speak and another to hear.
~ Henry David Thoreau

I was lying in bed, one day post-surgery, with doctor's orders to stay put. My two teen daughters, my designated caretakers, were out shopping with friends. That was all fine, until I realized it was 8 PM and I was getting very hungry. I wanted to make it downstairs to the kitchen, but my body was rebelling at the thought. Truthfully, I was beginning to feel hurt and angry that my daughters weren't considering my needs.

"Call the girls," nudged my inner voice, "ask them to come home and make dinner." A simple enough directive, yet in my relatively helpless state, asking my kids to come back and feed their mom made me feel even more vulnerable.

This is not just my story. Lately I've heard a similar theme voiced by some of my clients. Something in their way of relating with a loved one, client, or colleague may feel off. Often they feel judged, misunderstood or unloved by the person's actions or words. They want to speak their truth, but doing so feels scary. The thought of not talking about it and continuing to interact with the person feels even more uncomfortable. So they feel stuck.

Both at work and at home, we all have needs for security, belonging, love and recognition. Even the most competent and independent among us realize that we do not move in the world alone. Our need for companionship and positive, working relationships are further incentives to have clear and open communication. Given this built-in wiring, why do we often find it so difficult to tell others our truth?

One reason is the distance between the mind and the heart. Our hearts deeply desire connection, but the mind wants to be right. The mind will go on forever with reasons why a conversation isn't worth having, or why the person isn't worth having a conversation with! Underneath the mind's need to be right is always fear.

A number of years ago, I learned some life-changing lessons from a master of Toltec wisdom, Don Miguel Ruiz. In his best-selling book, The Four Agreements, Don Miguel writes that all emotional drama and pain in relationships stems from taking things personally and making assumptions. "Often we assume that our partners [loved ones or co-workers] know what we think and that we don't have to ask for what we want," he says. "We assume they are going to do what we want, because they know us so well. If they don't do what we assume they should do, we feel so hurt and say, 'You should have known.'"

"Don't make assumptions," is the first lesson I learned from Don Miguel.  The way to keep yourself from making assumptions, he teaches, is to first find the courage to ask questions. "Make sure the communication is clear. If you don't understand something, it is better for you to ask and be clear." Next, ask for what you want. The other person can always say yes or no to your request, just as you can say yes or no to theirs, but asking means you won't be assuming something about the other that isn't true.

The other relationship poison is taking things personally. "Nothing other people do is because of you," he writes. "It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind. Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you."

This is because another person's behavior is always rooted in their point of view, and we are all having our own unique experience. They are acting from their mind's own perceptions and programming, i.e., their own feelings, beliefs and opinions. If we can master the habit of not taking things personally, we can free ourselves from a lot of suffering.

It is so much easier to be vulnerable with another when you aren't assuming anything about them or taking their behavior personally. It also helps to remember that being vulnerable isn't a weakness, as most of us were taught. It takes real strength to share your heart. If we can feel empowered and centered enough to create a safe environment for sharing our truth, we can truly set ourselves free.

In my experience, feeling safe to initiate a difficult conversation usually requires a little preparation. Getting clear yourself about what you are feeling is very helpful. When you think about approaching the person, what comes up? Write out your fears, or speak them aloud to a skilled friend, coach or therapist. Often my clients will role play with me in advance a conversation they feel apprehensive about having. In the process, they become aware of limiting beliefs about themselves or the other person. Letting these go, they feel freer.

Deciding to bridge a communication gap between you and another is brave work. I congratulate you for being a warrior of the heart! Try to have compassion for yourself and the other person. You probably wouldn't be gathering the courage if you didn't have something important to gain. What would you like to come from the interaction? What is your motivation in sharing your truth? Are you sure what you are thinking about them is true? Are you making any assumptions?

In my case, my first motivation for communicating with my daughters was dinner! I also needed to voice my request for their caring presence. But before I could do that without coming across as a victim, I had to do a little self-soothing because I was feeling hurt. My head was full of thoughts about how "they should know what I need" and, "didn't I raise them to be more loving and considerate?" Feeling my sadness and anger, I put my hands on my heart and began to breathe. After a few breaths, I felt calmer. I affirmed that they did love me, and that they were probably buried in their own teenage world and had lost track of time.

Feeling a little better, I picked up the phone and spoke to my my oldest,"This is hard for me to say," I told her, "but I really do need you right now. Please come home and make dinner." I have never seen my daughter whip up a meal so quickly. She graciously served me in bed with a heaping plate of pasta, salad and bread. And she even cleaned up afterward - without me asking.