<p>When communications are going well, it's best to simply be genuine.&nbsp; But there are times when being our beautifully genuine selves is not enough.&nbsp; It takes professionalism, too.</p> <p>If you learn how to apply a simple heuristic, you may be able to significantly decrease the number of hidden and insurmountable obstacles in your relationships.&nbsp; This heuristic applies to how people relate to their own emotions, so it is as applicable between friends or spouses as it is with strangers.&nbsp; I actually learned this in a couple's counseling class.&nbsp; If it works with angry spouses, it can work in your business.</p> <p>Basically, there are three levels or degrees of closeness in communication, and if the outer levels aren't handled well, we struggle at the inner levels.</p> <p><b>1. Inclusion/exclusion.</b>&nbsp; Very often, when people reject what we're saying, it's because they don't feel like we're all on the same side; they feel shut out in some way.&nbsp; Tolerating differences has been suggested for this problem, but it helps to go a step further and show appreciation for the characteristics that set someone apart from us.&nbsp; No one wants to feel merely <i>tolerated</i>, let alone excluded, so it helps to recognize common ground and express appreciation for any differences that folks fear might stand between us.&nbsp; This happens along racial lines, religious, political ideology, etc.--right on down to feeling like one person is trying to force a sale on someone who is deemed less important than the sale.&nbsp; If you feel like the other person is putting you on the outside in some way, they probably feel it too.&nbsp; Recognize it and express genuine appreciation.&nbsp; We're all the same in some ways, but we all also want room to be unique and appreciated.</p> <p><b>2. Power and status.</b>&nbsp; When we feel threatened or even just disrespected, it's usually because of some way we want to be seen and treated.&nbsp; These ways have to do with our sense of our roles, power, and status.&nbsp; Besides communicating appreciation of differences when appropriate, it's helpful to show the right types of respect in ways that are familiar to whomever we're speaking with.&nbsp; This should be seen as very different from submission.&nbsp; When we find our own feeling for being assertive and confident without being aggressive, we can express that confidence while also showing due respect.&nbsp; Most people spend far more time in their lives thinking about themselves than anyone else.&nbsp; If you spend a little more of your time thinking about how others see themselves, they will tend to appreciate it.</p> <p><b>3. Intimacy</b><b>.</b>&nbsp; Here, &quot;intimacy&quot; can mean a number of things: romantic closeness, trust, brotherhood, sisterhood, loyalty, sensitivity, fellowship, etc.&nbsp; We can let our guards down and feel intimate or close when we are both safe and adequately respected.&nbsp; Especially&nbsp; in fairly public relationships, we only get to this close degree of intimacy if we feel &quot;on the same side&quot; as the people we're with and if we get and give appropriate respect.&nbsp; In business, problems are most likely if we aren't sharing a similar degree of closeness (when one person feels much closer or wants to feel closer than the other does).&nbsp; We can share similar degrees of closeness by showing how we genuinely feel and mirroring or matching the degree of trust that our partners feel.&nbsp; When we distrust someone, but still mean to do business with them, then a professional stance (interacting at the second level, interacting in our professional role) is most appropriate.&nbsp; Professionalism sometimes communicates distrust or a certain degree of distance, but it avoids the problems that come from miscommunicating.</p> <p>When we recognize how we tend to feel, we get a very solid sense of what relational problems need a little attention.&nbsp; Do I tend to want to get too close too soon?&nbsp; If you do it in personal relationships, you may feel that something is missing in professional relationships and you may come across as needy or as expressing too much; the opposite reaction is to feel like the business world is dangerous, and you might be overly aggressive in order to protect yourself.&nbsp; Do I have a hard time connecting with people or noticing my emotions?&nbsp; If you do it in personal relationships, you may miss the opportunities when clients and business partners signal that they trust and respect you.</p> <p>Most of us just don't listen enough or ask enough questions to be optimally effective communicators.&nbsp; So it helps to take an attitude of confident humility and genuine curiosity towards people we need to get to know better.&nbsp; Beyond just not listening, we can each notice what sorts of problems we tend to create--because we tend to create the same ones over and over--by recognizing how we interact at these different degrees of distance.</p> <p>If your communications are top-notch, that's great, and you can just go with your flow.&nbsp; For those of us who have room for improvement, just a small amount of education and awareness followed up with some particular techniques can open all sorts of opportunities.</p> 2008-05-24T18:24:43Z -22.5929 200 1004 true 15 6333 un-clog-your-communications 1 2008-05-27T14:25:21Z 2008-05-27T14:25:21Z

<p>Remove the obstacles, <i>then</i> be yourself.</p>

1 2009-02-24T09:44:32Z