Mark Silver

Business Tenderizer
Portland, Oregon

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Generally helpful

6.1

out of 10

19 votes

Why Attraction is a Mistake in Marketing

Wouldn't it be nice? If you, and your marketing, could just glance around the world filled with love and zip, zip, zip, clients just moved in? I'l tell you something you may already suspect: attraction just doesn't work in marketing.

Written Jul 15, 2008, read 898 times since then.

Coffee shop. The background beat of some silly pop music. Buzz of conversation. The glow of laptop screens.

And then, one near the counter, the other in a window seat, they both look up, and their eyes meet. Attraction! Next thing you know, they're picking out paint colors, and sharing chores in some nice little house in the neighborhood.

It's a cozy picture, isn't it? If only your clients would move into your business as easily.

Unfortunately, when your eyes meet theirs, they tend to look away.

How can you get that attraction thing working in your business?

Wouldn't it be so nice? If you, and your marketing, could just be glancing around the world filled with love and zip, zip, zip, clients just moved in? Ahhh, domestic business bliss.

You already know, or suspect, it doesn't work like that. You know because you've been trying and it hasn't been working.

Except very occasionally. For instance, my wife Holly received a call the other day from someone who had her business card for the last two years, and just had an intuition to call her. Zing! Business attraction!

(At least, it better be business attraction! Unless there's something she's not telling me...)

But, if she, or I, or you, stood around waiting for those intuition-based phone calls... Well, you may already be suffering the agony of that waiting. They do come along every now again, so you might believe that's the way that it's supposed to happen. But you'll never have a thriving business if you depend only on those rare birds.

What's going on? If intuition and attraction are real, and you can bet your heart they are, why don't more people call? Is it because you aren't attractive enough?

It's not about attraction- it's about safety.

What is attraction? Attraction is about love. That mysterious, ineffable quality that fills our hearts, turns our lives upside down, and makes us crazy.

Everyone wants love, needs love, thirsts for love. So, when it shows up, we naturally go running towards it, right?

Or do we?

The two reactions to love.

Your heart does run towards love, like a camel five days in the desert runs towards water. But that's only one part of the picture.

The other reaction is from your ego, your personality, your little self, which hides from love. It curls up, turns away, gets busy with other things. Why do we do this?

Love does turn everything upside down. In the best case scenario, Love can totally erase your ego. So your ego gets scared. Really scared.

Your marketing isn't working because you're trying to make it do the wrong job.

Marketing's true job is safety.

Imagine you were in that cafe and locked eyes with that stranger. And then that stranger stood up and approached you. Do you immediately go riding off into the sunset? Or do you begin to think: "Wow, this one's a weirdo, or an axe-murderer. Cute, but am I going to end getting my heart broken?"

Your clients' hearts want love; so fill your heart with love, caring and compassion. And your clients' egos need safety before they can receive that love, so fill your marketing with safety.

There is room for love in marketing, but not before the safety. So how do you create safe marketing? Let's take a look.

Key To Lovable Safe Marketing.

• Witnessing creates safety.

True witnessing is what creates the most profound safety. If someone believes that you truly see them and their struggles and problems, all without judging them, they'll follow you almost anywhere.

Start your marketing with empathetic statements about the situation your clients find themselves in, that they are struggling with. For instance, if you teach parenting classes:

Example: "If you're like most parents, you want to give your children everything, to parent them so well, but you might feel like you're really 'blowing it' with them. You're a good person, with a good heart, and yet you probably feel terrible because situations with your kids seem to always blow up in your face."

• Give them hope.

After the witnessing, tell them there is hope. People don't often respond to hope on it's own, because they don't believe it. They tend to think: "Oh, you're just blowing smoke up my nose. If you really knew my situation, you wouldn't be saying such great things."

Ahhh... but you have started out with witnessing, so the response to hope means that they are going to believe you, that it's safe to trust what you're saying.

Example: "Even though it feels impossible, it really doesn't have to be like this. You can learn to parent in a way that feels good to you, and actually works with your kids."

• Don't rush.

Remember that you're still talking to the ego here. The ego feels safe, and trusts the hope, but may still feel skittish. Don't just try to hop in the sack with your beautiful stranger. How about just having a cup of coffee to begin?

Instead of trying to convert your skittish-but-hopeful prospective client into a buyer, why don't you just let them try you out with something low-key?

Example: "There's a lot of conflicting information about parenting out there, and the truth is, there's no one 'right' way. We have an approach that takes into account who you are, and who your kids are, without trying to force you to use a script.

"Why don't you take it for a test-drive? Sign up for our newsletter, download our free guide on 'When your kid says No.' and see if our approach works for you."

Your beautiful strangers want to trust you and get the help your business is offering. But, if your marketing is only trying to be attractive, very few will come around. Yet, if you keep love in your heart, and let your marketing deliver safety, you might find yourself with plenty of people willing to risk the equivalent of a cup of coffee getting to know you.

And once they know you, they just might move into your business and become clients.

Mark Silver is a Sufi spiritual nut and business tenderizer. His company, Heart of Business, helps people in small businesses who really want to make a difference in the world, and need to make a healthy profit. If you have a spiritual heart that is getti

Learn more about the author, Mark Silver.

Comment on this article

Posted by Mark Silver, Portland, Oregon | Jul 15, 2008

Ahhh... a six so far in the ratings. Here's a question: if you're not liking the article, feel like pushing back on the topic? Do you think I'm off my rocker? That it's just plain wrong?

Curious what you're thinking...

Can working on your business nourish your heart?
Posted by Andy Ciordia, Charlotte, North Carolina | Jul 15, 2008

I'll rattle a bit for you. You're writing skill is fine, the first bump in the road for me occurred with the titling and subsequent misunderstanding of direction.

Attraction marketing is a technique in marketing; everything about lead generation, funnels, etc. It works and it works well. So I was baited for a counter argument on that and what I got was a story about how not sitting on your ass for word-of-mouth with shards of business-consumer psychology analysis for motivation.

It's a bit too wrapped up in soft thoughts. Cut out some of the fat and hone the article down to tips on making progress. The emotional draws you make just bog down the piece.

You're giving value and that's what counts so keep on working it. :)

-andy
Posted by Mark Silver, Portland, Oregon | Jul 15, 2008

Thanks Andy-

Interesting... interesting. I hear you, and I'm definitely a little stumped with this one. Clearly this one bombed with this crowd :).

I should say that "attraction marketing" is not a term that's familiar with me in that context- although I've been around marketing a long time. I'm more used to hearing people use "attraction marketing" as in "law of attraction."

The point I was hoping to make, that must've totally missed for some people, was that simple "law of attraction" style of bringing in clients rarely works consistently, without adding some marketing action into the pie.

The "soft thoughts" feel like the meat of the article to me from this angle. What would you perceive as "making progress" tips? Can you give me an example?

Can working on your business nourish your heart?
Posted by Andy Ciordia, Charlotte, North Carolina | Jul 16, 2008

Ah, see I didn't even understand that was the angle. Now it makes even more sense.

I guess then it just comes down to adding a bit more background for those of us who don't know. Ie do a deeper citation of, "If you think the law of attraction is what's going to cut it.." Make sure the audience understands the scope of the article.

For some it might have deeper intrinsic value but to other demographics it might feel a bit wet.

In the end people still give it an above average rating and it's being read which means it has value. Don't worry too much. :)

-a
Posted by Rachel Whalley, Seattle, Washington | Jul 16, 2008

Woof! Well, I found this article incredibly helpful and rated it so...and it barely bumped your whole rating up by .2 points. So my guess, Mark, is that others may have found it helpful and rated it fairly well, but a couple low-ballers took the score so low that it's slow to float up again.

I know Dan and Lara have been talking about changing the article rating system, precisely because a couple people can greatly affect article scores by simply giving a "1".

And as your conversation with Andy demonstrates, a person might not find this helpful simply because they were expecting a different type of article, not because the intrinsic content is poor.

Healing for body image and self-esteem issues
Posted by Mark Silver, Portland, Oregon | Jul 16, 2008

That's helpful to know, Rachel- I was beginning to wonder what was going on...

Andy, I take your point. This is an article I sent out to my own list, and clearly there are differences between my own list, and the larger community of Biznik.

Also, I can always, always improve my writing. I'll be thinking on this one. And, I'm happy to hear from others any perspectives, opinions, and feedback.

Can working on your business nourish your heart?
Posted by Jen Vondenbrink, Foxboro, Massachusetts | Jul 16, 2008

Hey Mark. I liked the article, especially the examples. It helped clarify the connection you were trying to make between social human attraction and client attraction. I think there is some merit there.

Sometimes we hit it and other times we don't. As Rachel said, all it takes is one person with a low score and the whole average goes down. I had an article that was in the high 8's and then it dropped to a 6.5.

As article writers, we also need to remember that a 6 is "generally helpful." That isn't so bad. It means we made a positive impact, we just didn't rock people's worlds.
Posted by Mark Silver, Portland, Oregon | Jul 16, 2008

Hi Jen,

Thanks! I appreciate your kind words. I've been less upset personally for myself about a so-called "low score" than just scratching my head trying to understand why this article didn't soar with this crowd.

The feedback I'm getting is very helpful. I didn't contextualize it enough in the beginning - I'm still riding off of writing to my own list where they already know where I'm coming from.

Can working on your business nourish your heart?
Posted by Jennifer Manlowe, PhD, CPC, Seattle, Washington | Jul 16, 2008

Hi Mark,

I am always happy to see your face and hear your soft words calling us to listen more carefully to our clients. Most of your writing is very thoughtful about the costs to soul in "the measurement culture."

You ask us to be motivated by people not just profits, service not just our fears for "scoring" on a date. I get that maturity and intimacy are something that can grow with attention, trusting the pace of things and a genuine respect for self and other. All this talk of "scoring" is just such as sad model of success, in my mind.

Jennifer Manlowe, Career Counselor & Book Coach
Posted by Mark Silver, Portland, Oregon | Jul 17, 2008

Hi Jen- thanks for your kind words- I appreciate it!

I actually like the scoring- I just wish I had more information about what it really means. I want to know if I'm connecting or not. If 4 people vote "2" and 4 people vote "8" then I can probably bet that I'm reaching my audience, and missing people who aren't in my audience.

But, on the other hand, if I get no response, or everyone is voting "5" or "6" then that's something to learn from, isn't it? It doesn't always feel good, but I like it.

I like the feedback Andy gave me- it's helpful to me. Hmmm... I think I'll start a BizTalk topic.

Can working on your business nourish your heart?
Posted by Emma McCreary, Portland, Oregon | Aug 01, 2008

I liked the article a lot, but I didn't think I would based on the title. I love attraction-based marketing, so I was thinking you were going to disparage it! But also perhaps I think of it a little differently than you are characterizing it.

When I think of Attraction-based marketing, I am thinking of the book "Attracting Perfect Customers". The idea I loved in that book is that you want to act like a lighthouse - you stay in one spot and shine. A lighthouse doesn't run up and down the shore trying to get people to look at it.

So to me, being attractive is about knowing who you are and being clear in that - and that is what creates attraction - and what creates safety. It's not about "trying to be attractive" - it's about being who you truly are, and helping people connect to that. And I think that's what you are getting at here - that our human egos need help feeling safe to connect. I agree with that.

I think the Law of Attraction is helpful in some ways but easily misinterpreted. To me it says "What you truly believe is what you will get". That doesn't mean "Don't take real-world action", it means that if you have counter-intention running in your subconscious, then your real-world action will not work, because you'll be sabotaging yourself somehow - coming across as vague, or uncertain of yourself, etc. So to me it's about really understanding that you are valuable already, as you are, that you have gifts to share, and being confident in those, and then that will come through in whatever you do to market. But of course you still need to market!

Anyway, I guess I still don't like the title, because it doesn't match the article. You aren't saying it's a mistake, you are saying it has a context, which I agree with. I notice I feel a sense of being a little tricked that you used that title just to get me to click on the article. =)
Posted by Marlaine Cover, San Diego, California | Feb 19, 2009

You nailed it again Mark. This rates a ten for me - just need to grab that cup of coffee to complete the moment. Hugs Mama Marlaine Parenting 2.0 www.lifeskillsreportcard.com