Why It's So Hard for Indies To Ask for Help

Being an indie means, by definition, breaking out on your own and forging your own path. We are the new frontier of rugged individualists. And therein lies our biggest liability--no business can succeed without at least occasional help from others.

Written Apr 13, 2008, read 526 times since then.

I had this client who came in for her first visit, and spent the first twenty minutes apologizing for being a waste of my time because her problems weren’t “bad” enough. Later she told me that one of the biggest emotional shifts for her was when I helped her see that there was no hierarchy of pain — her struggles are just as important, her pain as worth healing, as anyone else’s.

For one reason or another, people everyday talk themselves out of getting help. While the story sounds convincing in our own heads, they’re pretty similar when you lay them out:

People will think I'm a weak business owner if I ask for help.
Any emotion is a sign of unprofessionality.
My family would never in a million years admit anything was wrong.

My particular sabotage is telling myself that I’m supposed to be able to handle anything, that asking for help is whining and it inconveniences and/or hurts those who have to help me. I’ve worked on this story of mine, and most of the time, I can reach out without much shame. It’s one of those issues, though, that I’ll likely be doing maintenance on my whole life.

Robert Fulghum wrote a great essay about a guy who was dying and decided not to tell his family because he didn’t want to worry them. Fulghum compared this to the one kid who plays hide-and-seek a little too well. He says he wants to shout, “get found, kid!”

Independence is such an admirable quality in our country, and especially prized by those of us brave enough to start our own companies. And yet it can be a limitation when it prevents us from realizing that everyone, EVERYONE, needs help sometimes.

Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness, it's a recognition that no one person has everything they could possibly need to do the job. I am not perfect. Neither are you. And yet we persist in putting up the image that everything in our lives, our business, our outfits and websites, is perfectly polished.

The truth is, there's a relief in reaching out for the second set of hands or eyes. We're not meant to do everything on our own. There's so many stories just within Biznik of people realizing that they saved so much time, money, and heartache when they finally outsourced jobs that were not within their specialty range. And in reaching out, they positively affected not just their own businesses, but also the businesses of those with whom they contracted.

I have a quote on my desk that I glance at when I, or my clients, need reminding about the importance of asking for help. It applies to more than just family and friends. Many of us started a business to make a difference in the lives of others. When you struggle with asking for help, try to see that it will open not just your heart, but the heart of those who get to help, as well.

"Trouble is a part of life, and if you don’t share it, you don’t give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough.”
–Dinah Shore

Rachel Whalley offers you a safe and supported journey to deep change by unlocking the secrets hidden in the body and spirit. Catch her radio show about the emotional aspects of being in business at http://blogtalkradio.com/RachelWhalley.

Learn more about the author, Rachel Whalley.

Comment on this article

Posted by Bob Dunn, Seattle and Renton, Washington | Apr 13, 2008

Rachel, this is good stuff and so true. It's not only hard to get them to ask, but also to participate. In the past years I have been involved with "brown bag" get togethers, where solopreneurs and small business owners have been invited to gather and discuss issues and challenges. And it can be difficult to get them there. Unfortunately, I think it's just hard for people to admit they need help or to ask for it.

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Posted by Judy Dunn, Seattle & Renton, Washington | Apr 13, 2008

Well, Rachel, I just left a comment and looked up and it was gone!

I really needed what you had to say here. I think for some of us, who were raised in families where self-sufficiency and independence are prized above all else, we learn to try to do it all ourselves. "You can solve this problem. I know you can figure it out if you try." (I can still here my mom telling me this!)

The hardest thing for me to learn in life has been to ask for help when I need it. Fulghum's Get found kid story is a powerful one and I think there are lessons in it for all of us.

Great article!
Posted by Spencer Tyler, Los Angeles, California | Apr 13, 2008

Great post Rachel - we feel the same way at OneCoach! You can do it on your own, but you don't have to be alone.
Posted by Rachel Whalley, Seattle, Washington | Apr 14, 2008

Thanks, Bob, Judy, and Spencer! I seem to have struck a chord with this post.

One of the things that I promote even more often than my own biz is the concept that asking for help is something that wise and strong people do!

A can-do attitude is a great asset...but becomes a huge limitation when it turns into "must-do-alone!"

Healing IS possible.
Posted by Valerie Farris, Seattle, Washington | Apr 14, 2008

Rachel,

Thanks for this article. You point out that the ability to do most things on our own does not always mean it's better to do so. One of the beauties of this world is the many different talents and strengths we each have. Tapping into the strenth in others by asking for help (and, in turn, being willing to help when asked) brings balance and joy!

Besides that, it's so freeing to give yourself permission not to have to do _ (fill in the blank with that thing(s) you struggle with or just don't like doing)!

Thanks again,

Valerie

Seattle Small Business Lawyer
Posted by Ilise Benun, Hoboken, New Jersey | Apr 14, 2008

Rachel, what a great article from a fresh perspective.

Asking for help is an excellent asset for growing your business, from hiring people to do what isn't your specialty to asking clients for referrals. Sure we can do it all ourselves, but why?

There is so much help available out there! A listserv or email group is also a great way to ask for help. I work with many designers who use the listserv at www.kernspiracy.com. They send an email to the group and other designers are happy to help answer their questions. Some days you might ask for help, and other days you might be able to help someone else- that's the beauty of reaching out.
Posted by Deidre Rienzo, Tappan, New York | Apr 14, 2008

Rachel, I enjoyed your article! Ilise, Kernspiracy is a helpful email list. I'm sure there are plenty of different email groups and lists for all types of industries. It's nice to have the support of a group.
Posted by Elisa Ng, Kowloon Hong Kong | Apr 19, 2008

I enjoy reading it. Thanks for sharing your past experiences! Also, I really think that your article is very supportive for people who were discouraged to ask for help from others and your last quote is beautiful. It seems to wipe my troubles away!
Posted by David Wolf, Seattle, Washington | Apr 23, 2008

This is a great article. I think it’s an inherent trait that many entrepreneurs inadvertently tend to be “lone rangers” and want to do everything for them selves. It’s important to remember that professional athletes achieve their goals with a coach and support staff. Top executives have executive teams to advise and give support. Actually, Biznik is a form of support for solopreneur. Thanks for sharing.

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Posted by Kate Phillips, Carnation/Seattle, Washington | Aug 25, 2008

You're spot on here, Rachel. I find that professionals, business owners and salespeople especially have a hard time admitting they are having a tough time financially. And yet it is such a huge relief for them when they find a person or a group they can "let it all out" with. It eases the burden.

Kate Phillips Total Wealth Coaching

Coaching for Financial Transformation
Posted by Rachel Whalley, Seattle, Washington | Aug 26, 2008

I know that money and sex are the two most difficult topics for people to admit they have trouble in.

As a person who specializes in money issues, you must offer such well-deserved relief to your clients, Kate.

Healing IS possible.