Rachel Whalley, MA, MFA, LMHCA

Spiritual psychotherapist and healer
Seattle, Washington

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Why We "Suffer" in Comparison and How To Quit Doing It In Your Business

On Biznik or elsewhere, you've probably checked out your competitors. And if you're like me, you have stories and feelings about how great everybody else looks like they're doing. What's this about and what can you do to stop it?!

Written Jan 02, 2009, read 3865 times since then.

When you’re in business for yourself, you need to look at who’s been there before you. What’s the competition doing and what is happening in the industry?

Trouble with that is most of us can get sidelined by negatively comparing ourselves to other people’s successes. It can look like this:

“Man, she’s doing so well and it’s only been a couple years…why is it taking me so long to get that number of clients?”
“I can’t believe so-and-so already has a book out…he’s so much more professional than me.”
“Look at all those calls/sales/clients that he’s getting. Why didn’t I get that call?! All my business is going to him!”"

A lot of this negative thinking comes from a basic belief that there’s a finite amount of business out there (scarcity mentality), which can make any of us feel envious or even panicky. This belief drives the competition mindset, and from there, it’s only a small step to self-doubt and other sabotaging emotions.

So what can you do?

First, realign your beliefs and realize that you can choose to believe in abundant and unlimited resources. What’s helped me most is believing that no one out there can do it quite the way I can. Sure, there’s other therapists and healers out there, and there are certainly thousands of radio shows out there, but I bring my unique self to what I do, and that special combination is just what my potential clients were waiting for.

Next, stop devaluing your own accomplishments. Most of us diminish what we’ve done because, well, that was easy. I know, cause I’ve already done it. :) Recognize that some people out there are looking at what you’ve done and are just as impressed/jealous/intimidated as you are about other people’s accomplishments. Successful business always looks more professional and amazing from the outside. So try and bring your “outside observer” perspective to your own business and achievements so you can really appreciate what you’ve done so far.

If you’re in that jealous competition mindset, try these tactics:

Remember this is simply an emotional state. Emotions are temporary influences and you’re not always gonna feel like this. Sometimes you think you’re pretty cool, remember?!
Remember that starting a business is a journey. The average business takes 3 to 5 years to become successful.
Get in touch with your personal supporters and receive the positive reinforcements they provide. Not only is it ok to need people to boost your mood, it’s pretty much required!

To prevent further hijacking by business success envy, try this:

Before you start looking around at what your competitors are doing, prepare yourself for coping with this emotional state. Set yourself up mentally to track your own emotions and thoughts so you notice when you start going down a negative path. It’s easier to stop then.
Remind yourself to keep an open mind. The most successful people in business, and in life, are those who remember that they are always open to learning. If you look at your colleagues’ successes as an open learner, you can see things as a lesson and perhaps find similar success, rather than fall into self-deprecation.
Find community support of other people who are starting businesses. They’ll help you by providing validation of how you feel and keeping a realistic perspective.
Lastly, give up the pressure and illusion of control. You can be doing everything right and still not have the success you want in the current moment. I believe that Spirit knows what it’s doing and I surrender to that higher power. It’s important for me to remember that I’m not doing this by myself…something greater is watching out for me.

Learn more about the author, Rachel Whalley, MA, MFA, LMHCA.

Posted by Gabriella Sannino, San Francisco, California | Jan 03, 2009

Thanks I enjoyed reading your article! Great choice to read on a rainy Saturday afternoon.
Posted by Rachel Whalley, MA, MFA, LMHCA, Seattle, Washington | Jan 03, 2009

Thanks, Gabriella! Wow, you've written a lot of articles yourself, lady.
Posted by Marianna Paulson, Surrey, British Columbia Canada | Jan 04, 2009

Thanks, Rachel, for succinctly highlighting the disease called, "comparatitis."

Many of my clients create unnecessary stress for themselves by comparing themselves with others.

"They live a charmed life...," or "I never...," or "Why can't I..." are a few more to add to your list.

I like what you wrote about diminishing one's accomplishments. I mentioned that on my blog for my new year's post.
Posted by Laura Pavlou, Seattle, Washington | Jan 04, 2009

Great article Rachel. And very good to remember for this new year.

I always like to hear/read your insights.

You rock!

Laura
Posted by Rachel Whalley, MA, MFA, LMHCA, Seattle, Washington | Jan 04, 2009

Thanks, Laura! You supa rock, too!
Posted by Kelly Hobkirk, Seattle, Washington | Jan 04, 2009

Great article, Rachel!

Competition is great for inspiring people to be their best, but when we focus on it too much, or go negative with it, it can really drag us down. I like to remind people that there are over 4 million people in the Seattle metropolitan area, so there is more than enough business for everyone.

I like the concept of "jealous competition mindset". I've never really tied jealousy and competition together like that, but it makes sense.

Great suggestions here. Thanks!

Train of Thought – Strategic Branding & Websites
Posted by Darlin Gray, Seattle, Washington | Jan 04, 2009

Beautifully written Rachel.

I believe that there are many ways that we contribute to our own 'suffering' and many ways to work around that.

Thank you for offering such a succinct set of steps that we call all use to outsmart ourselves!

Darlin
Posted by Rachel Whalley, MA, MFA, LMHCA, Seattle, Washington | Jan 05, 2009

Thanks, Kelly and Darlin!

Funny that you say we can "outsmart" ourselves, Darlin. I think of these steps as a way to stop "out-thinking" myself. I find it's often my brain that gets me in trouble and my heart that bails me out.

Oh, and Spirit, too. :)
Posted by Lynn Baldwin-Rhoades, Seattle, Washington | Jan 07, 2009

Rachel, thanks for writing this.

Checking out competitors is par for the course for everyone--we have to know what others are doing, so we can position ourselves a little differently. Yet it's easy to get sucked into feeling bummed out by others' accomplishments and think we can't achieve success in our own way.

For me, I find positive thinking a really helpful tool. There's enough to go around for everyone, and I'll find my share when I approach my business with confidence, authenticity and a true desire to help others.

Thanks for the terrific reminder. : )
Posted by Rachel Whalley, MA, MFA, LMHCA, Seattle, Washington | Jan 08, 2009

Awesome, Lynn. It's great to hear other people's stories about how they combat the "comparatitis," as Marianna calls it.

Positive thinking seems to be a popular one. I'd love to hear what kinds of phrases or thoughts you tell yourself when you need a boost.

Lynn or anyone else who uses this method?
Posted by Lynn Baldwin-Rhoades, Seattle, Washington | Jan 08, 2009

When I get stuck or feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, "How can I set myself up for success?" It helps me tease out what is tipping me up, so I can then make a plan to move past it.
Posted by Karen Floyd, Seattle, Washington | Jan 08, 2009

Rachel I am a huge fan of those creative people who create their own vocabulary to capture just the right feeling! Thank you for living your heart.

I understand competition and I am grateful to say that I've learned another way to measure myself. Competing sucks, it separates us and keeps us isolated and stingy.

Even comparing myself to my previous accomplishments can be a little judgmental I find. Letting go of expectations was very hard for me especially those I had for myself. They felt more like goals and I thought I needed to expect a lot of myself to be motivated enough to succeed. Wrong.

When I finally "backed off" of being mean to myself by having outrageous expectations I began to enjoy my life more and have more fun. Oddly enough I became more successful too! hmmm.

I look forward to meeting you!

Karen www.DesignABetterLife.com
Posted by Jill McLean, Chicago, Illinois | Jan 08, 2009

This is spot on, Rachel. Unhealthy comparison leads to self-sabotage... one of the worst poisons we can participate in.

I'm a solopreneur, so I'm very vulnerable to it. Over the years, I've succeeded in recognizing that it's important to know your competitors, but also know how to excel in my own unique way... and use the competition merely as a catalyst! After all, iron sharpens iron.

Thanks for being a voice on this topic!
Posted by Rachel Whalley, MA, MFA, LMHCA, Seattle, Washington | Jan 08, 2009

I like your suggested self-posed question, Lynn. I may try that on myself.

Karen, I totally hear you about backing off on the overlarge expectations. I resemble that remark. :)

I'm excited to see that you'll be coming to my enneagram event on Monday!

Jill, absolutely. As much as checking out the competition requires me to have to do some self-work on my emotional reactions, I would never want to be without my colleagues and predecessors. I need those who have walked the path before me! Even as the challenge can be hard, I welcome it.
Posted by Judy Dunn, Seattle, Washington | Jan 09, 2009

Rachel,

You have nailed this topic! You are so right. It's just part of the human condition to compare ourselves to others.

It's such an important subject, this one. I don't get too consumed with it in the copywriting side of me.

But it's the author part of me that has fought envy. Bonnie Friedman wrote a phenomenal book for writers called Writing Past Dark. In it she has a chapter called Envy, the Writer's Disease. She talks about how it used to be a compulsion with her, going into a bookstore and heading for the new books section. She would flip right to the back of the jacket and see if the author was young or old, her age or—rats!—younger. It rang so true with me because I have done the same thing. I have given this book to several of my writer friends.

The thing with artists (and anyone, for that matter) is that desire causes envy. Yet how can you be an artist [or fill in the blank] without desire?

Friedman contends that if you want to be famous, to be the best, well, you really don't love what you are doing. Because if you really loved it, you wouldn't be concerned about being famous, or being the best. But somehow as we grow up, we are taught to love success, not what we are doing.

Very insightful article, Rachel. Thanks.
Posted by Rachel Whalley, MA, MFA, LMHCA, Seattle, Washington | Jan 09, 2009

Judy, I love (and at times envy) your thoughtful comments!

That's a great book recommendation. I'll have to file that away somewhere for when I need it or need to refer someone to it.

I have done something similar to scoping out the back of the bookstore. When I first started becoming an energy healer, I would swing from feeling like a complete fraud to believing I was the best, no, the ONLY healer in the world. And whenever I would see or hear about another healer, my stomach would get all twisty and I'd have a rush of feelings (jealousy, anger, shame, you name it!).

Thank goodness my own healer knows of a protocol to work on this (it's called "the greatest healer" in HBLU...anyone who wants to know more can message me).

Now that I've had that issue cleared and integrated, I feel so much at ease with myself in a community of healers and practitioners, knowing we are all doing the right work at the right time for the right clients...and there's more than enough meaningful, fulfilling work to go around!
Posted by Kate Conwell, Auburn, Alabama | Jan 10, 2009

I really enjoyed this article. I definitely fall into some of the traps you mentioned and now will try to use your tips to help myself rise above suffering. :)
Posted by Rachel Whalley, MA, MFA, LMHCA, Seattle, Washington | Jan 10, 2009

Cool, Kate. I'm glad if these tips help you stop suffering when you don't need to!
Posted by David Kalstrom, Maricopa, Arizona | Jan 12, 2009

Rachel,

I have a webcasting channel that reaches about 20,000 viewers. I believe your article would stimulate a great deal of interest. If you would like, you could run a webcast on the channel at no charge to you. It would be advertised nationwide by BrightTALK and you can also host it right on your site. You'd probably draw 100 viewers between the live and archived version. Had a fellow BizNik run a webcast last Friday on Social Networking, he can't wait to run the next one.

If you're interested, let me know. David Kalstrom 602-770-0012 www.outboundexcellence.com
Posted by Rachel Whalley, MA, MFA, LMHCA, Seattle, Washington | Jan 14, 2009

Hi David, Thanks for the offer! I will be in touch to discuss it with you.
Posted by Jeff Bean, Seattle, Washington | Feb 09, 2009

Rachel,

Great article -- well-written and thought-provoking.

The movement from a scarcity mentality to an abundance mentality is a significant trend. It seems to have a good foothold in the fields in which you work -- those who deal with the health and well-being of individuals.

In my dispute resolution field, we see so much conflict arising from the false choices presented from a mindset of scarcity.

I find myself put-off by marketing advice that comes from an attitude of scarcity. So who are the marketing people who approach business development from a belief in abundance? Are you out there?

Jeff Bean
Posted by Rachel Whalley, MA, MFA, LMHCA, Seattle, Washington | Feb 12, 2009

Jeff, thanks for reading and offering your thoughts.

I certainly know marketing people who speak about abundance and address their businesses accordingly. Just met one today, in fact, who represents spiritual businesses.

Scarcity is a challenging mindset to overcome, perhaps because we come upon it via evolution (just a theory), which programmed our reptillian brains to believe that the ones who survive are the ones who fight for the limited resources.

Perhaps then, the ability to connect emotionally with abundance and to consciously manifest is what makes us more than simply hairless apes with Blackberrys?
Posted by Heidi Stahl, M.A., Redmond, Washington | Mar 22, 2009

Rachel, I haven't even read past the title and the summary yet, but I love that you wrote about this subject. Being new to Biznik, I'm noticing some of these little "compare and despair" moments popping up as I peruse others' pages. Thanks for looking at this demon head-on. I know I'll get a lot out of reading the article.
Posted by Heidi Stahl, M.A., Redmond, Washington | Mar 22, 2009

Rachel, I haven't even read past the title and the summary yet, but I love that you wrote about this subject. Being new to Biznik, I'm noticing some of these little "compare and despair" moments popping up as I peruse others' pages. Thanks for looking at this demon head-on. I know I'll get a lot out of reading the article.
Posted by Rachel Whalley, MA, MFA, LMHCA, Seattle, Washington | Mar 22, 2009

Thanks, Heidi. Sometimes it's even useful for me to go back and re-read my own writing because I need reminding again.