How can you make an immediate connection at “hello?” Beneath the words we speak to greet and converse with colleague or client, there is a communication we may not even be aware of. Even though our words may be right, there is something more that can either make or break the connection.
Remember the famous scene in the movie, “Jerry Maguire,” where Jerry (Tom Cruise) has come back to declare his love for Dorothy (Renee Zellweger)? He goes on and on, trying to convince her that now, at long last, he wants a relationship with her. Finally, she stops him with, “You had me at hello.”
Reportedly 93% of communication is not the words. Whether it is with colleagues and clients, or in other business transactions, the most important part is beneath the words: in your body language, your voice tone, and your eye contact. The best communication begins with your intention to connect and a skill set that supports the 93% that is much more than a simple exchange of information:
1. Your intention. To keep communication open and fresh, we need to approach “hello” with interest. We want to know more about other people. We want to connect. In improv, this approach is called “Yes, and...” Whatever is offered by one person is accepted and built on as a team effort. This is the essence of creative collaboration.
2. Know your ‘bids.’ Every time you say “hello,” offer a handshake, make eye contact or ask a question, you are making a “bid” for connection. According to psychologist and researcher John Gottman, a ‘bid’ is “the fundamental unit of emotional communication.” Awareness and skill in ‘bidding’ is as essential to success in business as it is in personal relationships.
Often, when colleagues make a bid by calling us or asking us to discuss an idea, we are unaware of the value in this small moment. Bids may slide by without our noticing them or answering them.
By shifting our awareness to register bids, a deeper layer of communication comes into focus. For example, when a colleague shares his or her idea with you, hear it as a bid. You might say, “Tell me more about it,” or ask a few questions, showing your interest. This is much more than being polite. When you listen and then enter into the exchange of bids, something in you opens up. Now you’re getting new ideas too. Now your colleague is listening to you with interest. You’re feeling more connected. A simple exchange has led to a creative collaboration, a free flow of ideas for both of you.
You can make an effort to notice both your own and others’ bids, and then practice making your bids clearer and your answers to bids more responsive. Learning this takes practice, as with any skill. Now, after many years, I find that when I consciously register someone’s bid, I say to myself, “That’s a bid!”
3. Accept the ‘bids’ that come to you. Opportunities for closeness and connection surround us, Dr. Gottman says. When we accept a bid, we increase connection and invite more communication. It is very simple to accept a bid. When a client smiles at you, smile back. When you are asked by a colleague to lunch, say “yes.” And if you can’t say yes right now, offer another time as an alternative, rather than say “I can’t” or a flat no.
Dr. Gottman has observed that in business and personal relationships, a healthy exchange of bids is a lot like a lively ping-pong game, volleying the ball back and forth with increasing energy and enjoyment.
“Complex, fulfilling relationships don’t suddenly appear in our lives,” Dr. Gottman writes. “Rather, they develop one encounter at a time.” By accepting bids and giving bids on a more conscious level, you actually feed the creative and collaborative process, building more interest, rapport and connection as you go.
4. Realize what it costs you to ignore, turn away, or turn against a ‘bid.’ It seems like common sense to know that when you reject or ignore a bid, the connection is damaged or broken. But most of us are unconscious of the impact our turning away has -- or what it may cost our business. Dr. Gottman says that a failed bid is rarely attempted a second time.
Many times people just aren’t paying attention, are distracted, or aren’t interested enough to notice a bid has occurred. But missing a bid has the same effect as ignoring or rejecting a bid. When we don’t respond to a client’s questions or remarks, whether significant or casual, we miss an opportunity to connect. Dr. Gottman notes that consistently turning away from bids is destructive to all relationships. The bidder who is met with indifference or lack of enthusiasm usually gives up on attempts to connect. On the other hand, people who exchange many bids seem to build up a bank account of good feeling that increases trust, collaboration, and creativity.
5. Identify your bidding style. We can gain valuable insight by examining our own ‘bidding style’ and the bids others make toward us. To begin, choose a recent conversation or meeting. List your bids: As best you can remember, write down the number of times you said ‘hello’ with interest, smiled, made eye contact, shook hands, asked a question, and shared a personal story, and so on. Now, think back and list the number of times you remember other people making a ‘bid’ to you, either nonverbally or in words.
Next time, you might also want to notice what happens when you make a bid: is it accepted, ignored, or rejected? And then notice how you feel when you receive a bid, as well. Lastly, notice what you do to respond to others’ bids.
Every communication is a sort of ‘bid’ that asks to be answered. Bids are the glue that hold a conversation together and make it a collaboration. And isn’t every communication really a collaboration?
(John Gottman, Ph.D., is quoted from his book, “The Relationship Cure.”)
Learn more about the author, Jenny Davidow.
Good article!
Eye contact is the most important aspect of body language that one should master. I agree that most people tend to negate body language and are often left wondering why the conversation ended so quickly...
Every time we converse with other individuals, we should notice and pay close attention to their body movements.
It is an excellent article on a key subject. I really like the 'intention' part and the 'bid' analogy. However, I do have trouble swallowing the 7% part without any empirical evidence to support that.
I agree that a very small percentage of external information is processed using the 'auditory' part of our system; that is not the same as 'words being un-important'. The reality is that words are very important - words act as the key to the doors of our data-base so we can access the correct one and 'relate' to that particular subject. Words - travel through specific neuro-pathways and take the right message to the relevant part of the brain. Let's NOT minimize their value.
The concept of a "bid" is very simple, tremendously useful, and often overlooked. The advice in this article can help anyone in business. Thank you, Jenny!
It's great! Exactly the same concepts we talk about in BizProv with regards to accepting your partner's offers. Right on!
Nerma, Thanks for your great comments about body language.
Nadir, Thank you for your feedback. I agree with you that words are very important! I am presenting the idea that we can be even more effective when we widen the scope of our intention to include the bidding concept, which includes both words and body language.
Charles, Thank you for sharing that the 'bid' idea is helpful to you!
Michael, I'm glad you enjoyed the article!
Galen, Thanks for completing the loop - improv with you at the Upfront Theatre class helped inspire my article! Thanks for the great comments.
Important information for all! I'm a communications coach and it's always hard for people to understand that their body language is more important than the words that come out of their mouth. The other key factor people don't understand is that your body language also controls your voice. Show me one good public speaker who stands at a podium without using hand gestures, facial gestures and biggest of them all, a great smile. Keep spreading the word about body language!
Jenny,
Great article. We can communicate sometimes without speaking at all. Body language and the ability to understand is so important. We can be saying one thing with words, but our body language is saying the opposite.
Keep up the great articles.
Bill
Brian, I'm so appreciative of your comments. The idea that body language also affects our voice tone is something I've noticed many times - and our voice tone can communicate so much, either to enhance connection or break it. And you're right, hand gestures, facial expressions and a great smile can serve as key ingredients, or bids, for connection.
Bill, Thank you for bringing up a key point - that we can say one thing with words, but our body language may say the opposite. Studies have shown that when they don't match, we tend to believe the body language more than the words. Thanks for your support!
You say "reportedly" in your post, and then in the comments you mention "Studies show" but don't say who generated this data or where it was reported - can you please tell us? I really have a problem in the age of the web when someone mentions a fact without at least offering a link or reference of any kind at all.
Of course I agree non-verbal communication is important, but at the same time radio and music of all kinds successfully convey all sorts of emotions and ideas successfully without any visuals at all.
Thank you for this great article. Communication, we do it every day, but effective communication still seems to be a hard nut to crack.
However, to me it al boils down to one thing: having a sincere interest in people and the ability to put yourself in the position of the person you are talking with.
How many people say 'how are you?' as a standard, without really wanting to know how you really are? In the past I sometimes deliberately responded with 'I am miserable'. It is interesting to see how people respond to that instead of just saying 'thank you, I am fine'. Most people can't deal with it, because they are really interested in how you are.
Sincerity makes the difference between effective and less effective communication. However, many people just seem to focus on their own interests and that's exactly where things go wrong.
Jenny,
Great post! We just finished Gottman's 'Bringing Home Baby', and you made an excellent connection to business communication that I had not concretely made. Becoming self-aware of your own bidding, and response to other bids, is so vital. Marcel's point on sincerity is equally important. Thanks again for sharing...
Chadd
This is an excellent article to share with my clients so that they may understand the subtleties of networking. Many have trepidation about reaching out to others and the information in your article should help them be more comfortable networking as they better understand human behavior
Great article, Jenny, thank you for sharing!
Excellent philosophy! I no longer listen to the negative media and am spending all of the time I wasted reading empowerment books. I enjoyed Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People".
I am practicing putting a smile on my face when making phone calls. My basic nature is a pleasant one so I will work on improving my bidding.
thanks for this insightful and entertaining article! It came at just the right moment for me.. I love your idea of creative collaboration.. yes, and.. I will use this immediately!
Jenny -
Great article.
I like the point you make about identifying your bidding style. So many of us are unconscious of our communication style or how we engage in conversations. Noticing how my bid is received, and how I feel, will help me better be connected to how "mutual" our engagement.
Love this article Jenny! I just recently joined Toastmasters and will be sharing this with the group.
Thank you for your insight and for reminding us all to be observant of our communication styles. It is so true that the way in which we communicate with our bodies & gestures speaks VOLUMES to the person on the other end of the conversation. Words only convey a small peice of the overall give and take.
Wow Jenny,
Awesome article. I will be sharing this with my relationship groups. I think of you often. I love that you are continuing to do great work in the world.
I know you know your stuff. Thanks for sharing with generosity.
Hello, All - I'm really enjoying this ongoing conversation.
Caren, Thanks for your support and for dropping in out of my past! I am happy you're sharing the article with your relationship groups.
Gina, I'm so glad this article was helpful. And thank you for sharing it with your Toastmasters group.
Stuart, You make a very good point that when you notice how your bid was received, and how you then feel, you will be better able to tune in to the quality of the "mutual engagement." Thanks for your great comments.
Heather, I'm happy the article came at the perfect moment for you. I'm glad you can put it to use!
Danielle, Thank you for sharing your experience!
Lori, Glad you enjoyed it!
Seth, Thank you for making an excellent point - that when we better understand human behavior, we can more confidently reach out to others with bids for connection and collaboration. I'm happy you will be sharing the article with your clients.
Chadd, Thanks for sharing your Gottman connection! It's true that Gottman's ideas apply just as well to business as to personal relationships and social situations, but we don't always make that connection. That's really the light bulb that went on for me when I sat down to write the article.
Marcel, Thanks for your comments! It's true that sincerity is really the key to effective communication. Life is so much more interesting and satisfying when we show up in the present moment, open to a new experience, each time we communicate.
Scott, Thank you for your comments.
Never thought about the 'bid' aspect before. Very interesting. As a bodyworker, which is all about the nonverbal communication, I have also discovered and recommended to people the simple body mechanic adjustment of facing your hara (your abdomen/center of gravity) toward your work. Just like in a massage session, when you face who you're talking to, you're saying, I'm here and fully present to you.
Will definitely keep my eyes open for bid opportunities... :) Thank you for an informative article!
Great article and I love the "bid" analogy. Nonverbal communication is very important and often overlooked. How often in social situations do you find yourself talking to someone who is looking over your shoulder to see if there is anyone more interesting to talk to? If you don't find this then maybe it is me and I am too boring LOL. In any event, these are not people I would choose to have further conversations with. As far as words having tremendous meaning and value - there is no doubt about it. However, one can't underestimate the importance of how the words are communicated and how they are received. Think about our children and their tone of voice. Saying "I am sorry" in "that" tone all parents are familiar with - is not the same as saying the same words like they really mean them. Another example of how meanings behind words are important is in emails. Whoever came up with the "LOL" term understood this principle. I find myself using this tag to make certain that the reader of my words knows I am kidding. Sometimes the words themselves might be perceived in a totally different way than we intended them to be perceived.
Thanks for sharing :)
Jenny,
This was a very interesting article! I do believe that it is very important to be cautious of subtle cues and body language. I really appreciate you taking the time out to write this article and enlighten us!
Thank You!
Jenny, My wife and I both thought this was a great article with terrific insight into the bid. We were approached with a bid concerning our online retail business (Laguna Candles). Had we not been aware that a bid was taking place we would have missed a huge opportunity with a lager company. We really appreciate your article.
My advice to others, keep alert for the bid.
Jenny-
This was just a great piece and the PhD -who contributed to the piece, 'Gottman', is where he is today because "he gets it".
Saying "Hi" with a big smile immediately puts the other person at ease, creates a feeling of warmth and there begins the "flow".
I will probably go to Borders or Barnes and Noble tomorrow and take a look at Dr. Gottman's book; you can learn so much from people who know how to connect.
Thanks Jenny and to all those above who have added enlightening comments. Again, this was a great post along with the steam that followed.
Thanks Jenny for a wonderful article. I love the concept of "bids."
Scott--the statistic about 93% of communication being nonverbal comes from a study done years ago at UCLA by Albert Mehrabian. It's important to note that he was talking about the impact of nonverbal communication when it is not congruent with your words. When your body and tone of voice are saying one thing, but your words are saying something else, people will believe your nonverbal communication.
Jenny, once again, my compliments on a very well written and widely applauded article.
Jean, thanks for clarifying the '93%' and introducing the key concept of 'congruence' - which is the most critical aspect of 'connecting' - auditory or visual, even kinesthetic, or communication at any level - if it is not 'congruent' you are not going to 'connect'.
What a great reminder to be intentional about our communication. So many opportunities are lost when we are too busy multi-tasking or too focused on our own immediate goals to notice and take advantage of "bids" for our attention. In business, as in life, relationships matter!
This puts me in mind of a recent study from the UK about the differences between people who consider themselves lucky vs. those who feel unlucky. The lucky respondents were more aware and open to the unexpected, while the unlucky were narrowly focused on their own goals, and often missed opportunities (bids) they weren't actively seeking.
Thanks Jenny!
I really enjoy this discussion!
I like to share my experience in service management at a large electronics company. For those who have been working in service management, you will know that this kind of work can be rather stressful at times. And certainly when you have to deal with angry or annoyed customers (and especially those with illegitimate or unreasonable complaints). At times it really sucked the energy out of me until a friend of mine gave me invaluable advise. He advised me to apply friendliness in every situation at work (btw, it doesn't hurt at home as well). So I took his advise and tried it out in daily practice. My evaluation after several months was that my friend's advise was among of the best I ever got (and as such one of the best decisions I ever made). For me it worked excellently in both good and bad situations. Friendliness can be tremendously effective for problem solving, avoiding escalations and keeping a good, sometimes even better, relationship with your customers. Friendliness doesn't mean that you will accept everything, but it should be seen as an method of approaching things and as a basic attitude. Once you accepted friendliness as a basic attitude, it will be so much easier to deal with all kind of professional situations, including those nasty, annoying and angry people. You will learn to listen to them in a friendly and objective way, and after they calmed down (anxious people always do) you can work on solutions in a very effective way.
However, one last thing about friendliness. You cannot fake it! It must come from within yourself, it must come from the heart!
I could go one for hours, but I hope my message will be helpful for those who read this thread!
Kind regards,
Marcel Wiedenbrugge (marcel.wiedenbrugge@wcmconsult.com)
Jean, Thank you very much for citing the source of the 93% statistic! I am very appreciative, as it was so long ago that it was hard to remember. And you bring up a key point, that the study revealed that when words don't match nonverbal communication, it's the body language and voice tone that will be believed. It was this study that started me on a lifelong course to study communication in all its forms. The idea of 'congruence' or matching words with body language and voice tone is a phenomenon I've been fascinated by ever since. Thank you again!
Marcel, You are right that the intention to be friendly can transform any interaction, especially if it genuinely comes from the heart. Thank you for sharing your experience
Jill, Thanks for sharing about the study on who is 'lucky.' It's great that the study tied the 'lucky' factor to being more aware and open to the unexpected. Just being aware that 'bids' might arise can change your 'luck,' as Clarence pointed out earlier. And making effective bids can do the same. Opportunities for satisfying connection abound. Thanks for bringing up a great point.
Nadir, Thank you for tying in the idea of 'congruence' to this discussion. You are right that when words and body language or voice tone don't match, the connection isn't going to happen. We take in this mismatch, sometimes without knowing it, and then have an uneasy reaction that we can't trust the person who is 'incongruent.'
Sandy, So glad you enjoyed the article. John Gottman "gets it" in a way few people in his field do. He has written many books that reveal so much about interpersonal communication. They are all worth checking out.
Clarence, I'm so happy that you learned about 'bids' in time to recognize the opportunity when it came to you! Keeping alert for the bid is a great intention and will serve you well! Thanks for sharing your story!
Ken, I'm glad you enjoyed the article!
Julie, You give a great example of voice tone. "I'm sorry" can mean "Get off my back" - or a genuine "I'm really sorry." This is as true with adults as it is with kids. And you're right, words do have great impact, and sometimes can send a message we don't intend. How the words are communicated - and how they are received, is something we can't fully predict. But when words and body language are congruent, it is much more likely that the message sent will be the message received.
Gina, You bring up a good point, that turning your body's 'center' toward your work, or toward anyone you're talking to, really does communicate that you are fully present. Thanks for sharing!
I've taught singing for years and more recently done workshops on healthy vocal usage for application to speaking, whether in everyday conversation or public speaking. i enjoyed your article so much! and i wonder whether among bizniks there might be an interest in a "free the voice" workshop?
Susan, So glad you enjoyed the article! In response to your 'bid,' I've emailed you a few suggestions.
Jenny:
I am a big fan of John Gottman's work -- he is right up there with Malcolm Gladwell as far as I am concerned, though his books are not best sellers. Your article was amazingly good at summarizing most of one of his books in such a short space, especially with the key idea of the bid! Keep it up, and I hope to get to one of your workshops soon.
Alex
Jenny, great article! Thank you for posting it. Orene
The "bid" analogy is great
Does anyone know if there's any research on analogies in the online world. We're all participating in social media online where we don't have available what is supposedly the bulk of our communication. There are ways that we're trying to communicate with text that try to reproduce some of this connection.. just food for thought.
Wow, so sorry it took me so long to read this! Jenny, great article...and really interesting dialog it sparked!
I really enjoyed this article. Thank you. Building Rapport (bidding) I feel like is the first step in trust. Trust is essential in building any relationship. Thanks for the great article. :-)
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