Have you ever noted how much rejection has become a part of your life? Does it feel like you are taking it on the chin more these days? Is life beginning to beat you down? “My present attitude and position in life suck! And if I continue with my present thinking, my life/career/relationship will be over shortly!”
Ever been there? If so, this article may help. The social scientist in you knows you need a correction, a life makeover, or something, but your emotional habits keep you on the sofa, in the bars, in the newspaper, shopping, or wherever you like burrow away from the light (ahem, your light!).
So, if you are hurting because you feel you have been unfairly treated and you haven't surmised how to make it quit hurting, let's look at some of your choices.
My favorite example of the fast fix is the Titanic t-shirt. The ship is going down of course. And the caption reads: "Short term therapy: GET OVER IT!"
Unfortunately, short term therapy does not always work - no matter how hard driving, solution seeking, and determined we are to get on with it. Notice the people that say emphatically: “I will never date someone like the last person who took advantage of me!” Ha! Often our unhealed parts guide us right to the next emotional train wreck. "Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200! " How does this happen? We find we are suddenly giving this new drama our full attention, all without our conscious knowledge or willing participation. So if the solution is not in short term relief where are we to look?
One place to look is at the story you have started telling yourself. Is your “This always happens to me!” true or not? If you start believing it is true and always living from that distortion, guess what is likely to show up in your life in spades then? That Story! “I just can’t get clients!” is a form of rejection, isn’t it? Potential clients are busy rejecting you. Does it serve you to seduce yourself into this emotionally lame place? If it is true, or feeling true, it is not so lame, is it? Core negative and unconscious beliefs can be identified and released. There are many ways to do this. Coaching, psychotherapy, talking to a good friend, all of these can help at times. Do not be afraid to try something you have never experimented with.
THOUGHT REPAIR: Making your unconscious thought patterns conscious can help you clear the closet and start toward positive action. Why not jot down a few thoughts that go along with the negative self-speak? You will excavate some of the favorite hiding places for your vitality, creativity, and contribution.
Do you dare? What is at risk in discovering who you will become if you part with the ancient armor. Be resolved to carefully dismantle the armor and just see what happens. It has served a noble purpose protecting you, as best it could, from past stress. But now you are an adult and do not need the inventory of how the world is going to kibosh you in your quest to be vulnerable, believable, and authentic. Do you?
FEELING REPAIR: Then there are the feelings that trigger you – you know the ones that feel as if they never quite go away. Is time the solution? “Time heals all wounds.” True or false? I say “false”, because emotions transcend the clock and the calendar. If you do not believe me, go visit your family this Thanksgiving and watch the old, sometimes not-so-subtle, movies of blame, shame and dysfunction act out once again before your eyes. This if true, is a real indicatorof an unhealed situation! Perhaps you are triggered by the past traumas that never really got deleted from your body, your mind, or your emotional IQ. So, you may be prone to a knee jerk reaction to rejection, criticism, or to someone implying that you are not totally perfect. Realize that ‘triggers’ are reactions to past survival based threats and that the person rejecting you may be in such alarm mode that they push you away or toss you out of their life based on their unresolved wounds. This insight can give you extra room to maneuver with compassion when someone acts particularly brutal to you, and without accountability.
JUDGMENT REPAIR: Do you ever notice how fast and furious your mind judges people? When viewed honestly, it can be both alarming and amusing! But many judgments are like old wiring, and need to be replaced. If I told you the operating system on your computer was 10 years old, you'd freak and upgrade immediately. But guess how old the operating system is that is driving the emotional response you have to life in general.
Most social scientists would agree it was formed in the preverbal years! Few of us know precisely how to upgrade our nervous system. How to clean the whole slate and begin anew? This is the coaching question. Could you get out of the mind's judging habit and start intentionally accepting people where and as they are with no judgment?
The energy of the statement has to be more authentic than the words themselves for any kind of feeling shift to blossom within your being. It takes practice to hold yourself in loving regard. It is perhaps both the most rewarding and the most difficult task of all.
There is an art to accepting completely the experience of someone else rejecting you. If you are sensitive, this may feel at first like puling arrows out of your hide, (arrows of false accusation, unfairness and the like)! After all, what is worse than being misunderstood and not being allowed to talk about it?
Remember, sometimes ‘half rejection' is in fact ‘half acceptance.' To wit, for over a year now we have applied to be speakers at a particularly attractive business location. While my mind can reel in the potential negatives ("they don't like us, they are ignoring us, we aren't good enough for them, etc") they actually did accept us, but in their time frame not my ego's time frame. Lesson learned? Relax, and drop your ego while waiting or wooing a situation.
Another strategy: allow some time go by after a clash of ego interpretations between you and another. Keep sending your antagonist goodwill (yes, you can!) and eventually you may feel less spurned and regain opportunities that are not determined by your prior habits of attracting loss, weird people, or rejection from the outer world. Additionally, the inner assessor (Is it Me?) may get a much needed vacation!
Lastly, invest in CONTRIBUTION REPAIR! Join a Biznik mastermind group, or some other form of self help group that will help you identify your true affirmative values and take accountable steps to activate your value once again, both to yourself and to others.
Let this opening window on the world create a new story for your life! What will it be? Are you ready? Do you have anything to lose? If you are willing to part, even momentarily, with your favorite ego stories of loss, rejection, poor me, etc, the whole day could turn for you into a winning strategy and positive manifestation.
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