There's spinach between your teeth. And other faux pas.

Hi Leila, that is a good question, as I have seen the same and sometimes bite my tongue. But also, I have found a private, well thought out message can sometimes work. I guess it could also cause some ripples as well.

Case in point. I often get people adding me to their enewsletter list after meeting me at a networking event. For some reason they think it's okay to add my name after a 5 minute conversation.

As a result, I have put together this nice email that basically says, "even though I appreciate you wanting to keep me updated on your business, you are basically spamming me....and then I explain what would be a better way to grow their list.

What I find is most people have sent back a message to me thanking me, saying they didn't realize what they were doing. How sincere they are, well, that's anyone guess. But I'm thinking most of them do get the point without being offended.

So who knows. You might be actually helping them.

~bob

This isn't quite as "personal" but I'll take advantage of Leila's post to add this:

Every once in a while, a new member will search through the threads to find members with similar interests or maybe problems that the new member may have a solution for.

Sometimes, the original poster is no longer a member. The new person probably won't get a reply and may end up feeling snubbed.

Here's how to tell if the original poster is no longer a member: the name under the member's picture isn't a link; it's just gray type.

To confirm, click on the image -- if the member's page doesn't appear, they're no longer here.

point it out or bite my tongue. speak up or keep my mouth shut?

You point it out. If they wise-up and thank you, that's a bonus.

If they don't, so what? You did it as the decent thing to do (like telling someone they dropped a wallet in the street or their zipper was open), rather than to get praise or an 'in' with a potential client.

Of course, sometimes you'll be wrong in your call on 'meta-rules of business on the Web'.

Rather than 'not know', some of us simply don't care about them and choose to do stuff in different ways. I lose count of the times people tell me I'm unprofessional.

Now, my own quandary... do I simply tell them I'm on a higher plane, or bite my tongue?

It's a good question Leila. And it shows your depth of thought and concern/consideration for others and their representations.

Here is another way it can look and a twist on the consequences.

Last week I attended a health clinic's Open House. There were 30 or so people, including a collection of kids of various ages, one was just past the toddler stage. At one point the hosts lit incense and handed each kid one to take around the room to smudge us (that isn't the word in this context but you get the meaning).

Immediately I was concerned about the toddler. He managed to only stumble briefly when they made their first pass. Nothing was said, and no one else seemed to be AWARE. (There were adults of all ages there BTW.)

A little later we were up mingling and one of the hosts handed the toddler another lit incense stick. I was standing near and said, "Don't you think that's just a little dangerous?" (You see I was a stranger that and knew no one really, so I was trying to be polite.)

The gal's response was something about how I must not be a parent; I said no but that I had had parents - and I said it without sarcasm.

Within a few minutes the kids was screaming. He had burned his face. I felt thankful he didn't put out an eye. The woman that handed him the burning stick made a comment that made me wrong for being right. And I got to think about the fact that when they asked us to write down our intention earlier I wrote: "to notice."

In the end it's all situational, contextual, and how you feel that day. In this case, for me, I am still torn between whether it would have been better to make a scene right off the bat and insist the kid not get to walk around with a burning stick - because the risk was too great. Or to be thankful that some of the people there got a lesson in safety as a result of that incident, that they apparently did not get from their upbringing.

I know this isn't what you were thinking about when you asked the question. But it's the same issue.

Yes, that is my point. The other part of it though is the conversation that was going on in my head. Our intuition is there for a reason, we might be wiser to tune into it and listen, then our actions be guided by that rather that any specific set of "rules."

In my case, increased intuition has been a by-product of daily meditation. It's new to me and I am still getting used to it - which means that I do not trust it easily. My past is one of do first, think later, so I am cultivating the way-and-see approach since it also allows me to take in more.

What still floors me is that women in general have intuitive super powers beyond the imagination of the average guy, yet none in that room seemed to notice the danger. Why? I don't know. And I don't even know if the kid's mother was present, if she was it would be her (for sure) that I would expect to be AWARE. It seems that we all get caught up in ourselves so much that paying attention to anyone else is too much trouble. Maybe.

interesting and needed conversation, Leila...

Dennis: I have been in many a well intentioned "spiritual" workshop or event situation where there is a lack of awareness, facilitation or experience, or even just pure ignorance. And I---when it is in the interest of safety, physical and otherwise---speak up, consequences be dammed.

You did the right thing, IMHO.

As to other faux pas, Leila dear...whew! This is when discernment needs to come into play, and it ain't always easy... for instance: I've had my name and my business slammed because of some comments I made--discreetly, compassionately, but made. Do I feel bad about that? No, not anymore. I figure, if I did not make the comment, I would feel even worse. For instance, I finally had heard enough about a colleague's sexual hi-jinks with clients that I discreetly blew the whistle with some one sponsoring his workshops and web presence. Hooboy did I catch flack from him! But the silence would have been intolerable for me.

However: I do tend more and more to take a look and choose my battles, asking myself: "Is this mine?" I then strive to go for the first answer to come up for me....

Thanks for this post. Obviously makin' me think....

Elke

gulliver, there can be so much grey area in what the rules are, eh. And obviously, some of us like to play by our own rules. So I guess I wonder, do I save my energy and say nothing, or put out a little at the risk of it being a waste, but knowing that if I'm well-received it's a bonus? Not that I want to be keeping score, but I do believe it's important to choose wisely my "battles".

A day late on responding...

You do what's 'right'. And 'right' is never in doubt or for debate - even if it's 'only' what you consider 'right'. Simply, you treat as you'd like to be treated - and point-out stuff you think will be beneficial to people. That's how we all grow.

And don't consider it a 'battle to be chosen wisely' - that'll screw-up your head and get you as bitter-and-twisted as me.

I send lots of 'hey - here's a heads up' to people. Among them are many recognized hotshots (and I won't drop names here), from whom I almost always get good engagement or at least thanks.

On the flipside, when I send similar notes to 'nobodies', I often get no response and the thing I pointed-out doesn't get attended to.

Such is life. Until recently, it annoyed the f**k out-of-me. Now I just send a note and step away. If they respond or not, I'm no longer really bothered - as I know I've done the right thing, and that's enough.

I have to second (third?) Bob and Leila's comments about people I meet once who subsequently put me on their e-mail lists. (I've also had a few local folks on Biznik add me to their lists without my requests, and in those cases I've never met them.)

So many of us, and so many of my clients, struggle with excessive amounts of e-mail; it's disappointing to me when business people add to that digital clutter without our express permission. Newsletters and the like certainly aren't as annoying as spam, but still, if I haven't asked someone to add me to their list, I'm still going to be annoyed if they start e-mailing me.

I tend to unsubscribe to stuff like this immediately, and if there's a spot to indicate why I'm unsubbing, I explain that I never signed up in the first place. I like Bob's solution to this--polite but clear.

Thanks for the thought-provoking post, Leila.

-Emily

I personally want to know more and upfront. I think I am personally affected more and somewhat hurt when not confronted or communicated with directly. So I, too, like Bob's solution and love to give a reason if at all possible.
And in fact I try not to spam email anymore... I have gone back to sending a card by mail and love the responses I am getting from that.

Great threads everyone!!

Oh, Leila, this recently happened to me on Twitter! I decided to unfollow someone but thought it would be helpful for him, or at least interesting, to know why.

I crafted what I thought was a civil message, with my philososphy/goals for Twitter. I DMed him (direct message) , mind you, so it was nice and private. I explained that I am on Twitter to build relationships and learn. (His tweets were all political rants and all very negative.)

I woke up the next morning and saw that he had publicly called me an *sshole on Twitter! I was blown away by that and it made me think twice about even taking the time to help people understand where I am coming from.

Bob, of course, thinks I shouldn't have sent him the DM in the first place, but I really thought I was being helpful. Don't think I'll do it again, though.

Leila,

The problem is that usually the people who WANT to know if they have spinach in their teeth are not the ones who will go ballistic on you if you tell them.

I should have known by this guy's rants that he could be a volatile person. Looking back, it wasn't the best decision on my part. We are never through with learning, are we?