What do you do when your support system lets you down?

Boy... You know, in my experience things like this happen all the time. I'm sorry to hear that it's happened to you...because I know the process must really suck.

But perhaps the good new is, long term, that when other people don't support you it forces you to suport yourself more, and depending on your level of conviction in your pursuits, it will help you clarify your overall vision. Ughh, hope that's not too trite.

Feel free to just send me a sideways frown face if it is and I'll work on somthing better.

-Cere

hi rachel-

if you would like a new support person, maybe we can connect :) if you would like to meet for coffee, we could talk about what we are wanting support for and see if our minds meet in the middle somewhere.

feel free to email me!

cheers, amy

Im really not going to be much help here and I appologize in advance!

I dont really have a support person/system as I have always been a stand alone type of gal. I have my visions and I try to make my visions come true....sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt.

My husband, even though he is delighted to be able to use my products seems to go with the flow and whatever decision I make is mine alone, which considering its my company I guess is the way it should be. (grin)

Since working with Amy on our rebranding I have been able to get her feedback on certain things which has been great since she knows design, marketing and graphics which are my weak spots.

Maybe you could be more specific on what kind of support you need and are looking for Im sure there is someone here that can help!

Rachel,

I'm with Cere on the fact that this may be a semi-good thing. It is important that the people you surround yourself with are supporting you in your ventures. If he doesn't agree with things you're doing, he may not be the best person to be around.

And if you are having doubts (I'm assuming, about your biz?) then you need support now more than ever! If you are doubting your venture, maybe you can step back and evaluate your position. BUT, don't accept a hard time about it. Doubt in business is a very serious thing and shouldn't be taken lightly.

I hope this helps!

Bri

Hey Rachel - sometimes people say really unhelpful things because they don't know what to say that would help. Or sometimes it's because they're feeling bad about themselves and inadvertently decide to take it out on you. My best suggestion is to join a small biz networking group and talk with people who don't know you well. We're more likely to give you unbiased advice and to truly understand how frustrating it can be to be in business for oneself.

I recently ran into my ex-bosses-boss and he asked me how my "little business thing" is going...

Keep your chin up, Rachael

Rachel,

Considering the old axiom "you get what you pay for", what is this person's opinion really worth to your business? I personally try to take the opinions of people with no financial stake (in other words who aren't customers, vendors, or business partners) with a grain of salt, even less if they're not entrepreneurs themselves. We have too much to do in our businesses to get emotionally bogged down by the peanut gallery.

In my opinion, the only voices you really have to pay attention to are you customers. Listen to all the rest with one finger on the mute button!

I read this thread and thought: "What an incredible community. Rachel posts that basically she had a bad conversation and presto! Within 6 hours, more than a half dozen people, many of whom seem to be strangers, come to her aid with ideas, resources, offers of friendship. How cool is that?"

Rachel, EVERYONE will have an opinion! And I always say that someone's opinion says more about them than it does about you. Us sensitive people have to learn this and quick, so we can get to the business at hand.

It is crucial to have supportive people in your inner circle as you grow a business. There are always be critics to be found--out there and in your own head--so keep some cheerleaders and kind smiles closeby. And take the great advice of everyone who posted! What an evolved group.

Another thing that happens as you build your business, Rachel, is that the people who start out in your inner circle often STAY there, while you evolve beyond it.

In response to your initial question, I would ask two things: what was your core need that did not get met? Did you do EFT with this?

This was one friend, this was not your entire support system (as evidenced from these responses). Untangling that language might help.

Just as many commented, this friend is clearly not the person to rely on for this kind of information, support and feed back. At the same time, what has he helped with in the past? Stick to where your needs ARE being met with this friend, if he is part of your inner circle. Or maybe it is time to reassess as Dan, intimated. We are constantly evolving in our businesses. So, this is an area to clarify how to get those core needs met; either from yourself or other sources.

best, Kathleen

I agree with Dan's last comment. Sometimes we outgrow our support systems. I know we've outgrown some of ours in the last 2 years of building Biznik.

They aren't always the easiest growing pains to deal with, but the positive thing is that you do have a great community of folks to choose from in Biznik whom you grow towards.

Rachel,

I experienced that with my family. Not only did I receive harsh criticism, they didn't want to be clients. Without knowing you or your friend there seems to be a couple of ways to look at this...

You might have heard of the crab pot syndrome or many other anecdotes. Crabs in a boiling pot of water will grab on to the crabs trying to get out. Meaning - when we attempt to improve ourselves, we are often criticized harshly because those around us are forced to look at themselves more deeply. And, they don't want to be left behind. The criticism comes as they attempt to justify why they are not or have not done the same thing.

Another thought is, as someone mentioned earlier, that some people feel like they are helping by giving unsolicited advice and criticism. Perhaps this harsh side of him comes out only in such situations. Perhaps he doesn't know how to be supportive when a close friend is venturing out on her own. The harsh criticism is hiding layers of jealousy and envy. He may really be supportive but not know how to express because of the layers of jealousy or envy.

At any rate, owning your own business is always a good thing. BizNik will be your support group. I am sure everyone will concur.

GO FOR IT!

Hey ladies, Don't mean to get too "psychological" here. But there's a good enough mother theory in psychology which states that even the best mothers neglect their kids 1/3 of the time. This build resiliency and actually is a desired percentage of neglegence. The one's who suffer are the kids who get only 1/3 or 3/3 of attention. SO maybe in Rachel's' case (or some of us who don't find the support we need from friends) have an opportunity to grow and be more resilient. I guess all this psychobabble supports Cere's initial comment. ;-)

Hi Rachel ... What a gift this friend has given you - an opportunity to bring your eyes back into your own head - to see, feel, and know your truth from within your own experience. I believe there is no friend or partner that can be eveything for us - that ultimately is our job to do for ourselves - and this man could (if you choose) still be in your 'inner circle' but not be someone to rely on above your own sense of what is true. We all need a 'soft place to fall' at those times when we are feeling disconnected from ourselves, or when doubt arises, as I believe it does for us all from time to time. I think we discover who those people are through trial and error, knowing that no one is that person for us all the time. I urge you to turn to whatever practice helps to ground and center you - a walk, meditation, prayer, art-making, journaling, etc. Be well, dear one, and know that you are whole.

Wow! What a great support system we have here at our fingertips (literally). I know I constantly have to learn the hard way...which is....I am very expressive where it comes to my emotions, opinions and ideas. I do open myself to interesting reactions that sometimes feel uncomfortable, unsupportive or vacant, and each time I spend minutes to hours to days processing the interaction, etc...But like Karen just said, all of these odd encounters are really gifts, teaching us loads about who we are, what we want and what kind of support we'd like to have. I encourage you to continue to take risks even if they invite a response you don't really care for. BELIEVE ME I get plenty of doozies! :-) I am also realizing that we sometimes get what we need from where we least expect it (like Biznik folks) and vis-versa. (I just got a GREAT response to one of my questions from Karen Gorrin!!!) I always think my closest friends will be my greatest supporters and I'm sometimes quite disappointed. You sound like a wonderful person and your business sounds great. I would LOVE to be included in your coffee/tea party - I love to wrap!!! Let's pick a date and all get together! Leslie

Hi Rachel... I just read your post and I found it interesting that something similiar is up for me. For the last six months or so I've been acutely aware of how people can often do a dis-service to others in the name of "helping". The broader question for me is how do we go through our process and get the appropriate support that we need and be treated with respect and dignity (and have our process be honored and respected by others.) Another question that I have been dealing with is how do we as independent business owners in this culture get our more sophisticated and evolved (meaning higher on Maslow's hierachy of needs) needs met.

Rachel's anecdote sounds eerily similar to the reaction of my best friend when I first told him about Bonanzle. Of course, I had been somewhat conditioned for his response when he had the same critical assessment of my previous venture.

Regardless, this person remains one of my favorite people. In my case, the friend is supportive of me in other ways, and I understand that much of his apprehension comes from a natural aversion to risk, gained partially because of a failed business of his own from many years ago that still seems to nag at him.

In my case, I didn't "outgrow" my support system, nor do I feel like this friend intends to tear me down. I have just come to realize that what we have to offer each other is everything besides business talk. :)

Yes, it's true, the support is pretty good here. Well, there's less risk-taking when it's a cyber environment, right? Bill and Cory's personal experiences were helpful to read. I really like Karen's response too.

I guess we do need to accept the fact that being an indie biz owner is challenging and we all need cheerleaders. The critic that lives in others doesn't need to awaken and empower the critic that lives in us. My first move for someone who came to me with this issue is creating an art piece (a collage maybe) that represents the critic in you. It's that critic that finds form and power outside of you. Sadly, this critic that lives in us is usually made up of societal or parental lies that we have swallowed as whole when we were little. But it's also an opportunity to practice lovingkindness. Making an artpiece around it would be a way to acknowledge its presence. Then the next step might be to create a response piece to it so that it balances this critic out. It will allow your loving and accepting self to take the stage along with it.

I don't know, this is my two cents. I hope it wasn't to "clinical". Here's a great book for the inner critic work: "Embracing Your Inner Critic" by Hal&Sidra Stone.

Hope someone finds this helpful! ;-)

Sounds like there's a great support system right here!

I've experienced similar "rug pulled from under me" situations. At the time, it hurt. In retrospect, I realized I somehow trusted the person in a way that was lacking boundaries for me. The painful experience brought to light an unhealthy way I had been interacting with that person.

On a bit of a tangent...I had a client whom I had been working with for quite a while and it seemed to me that he/she (keeping them anonymous and no it's not anyone on Biznik) was stuck. I was getting frustrated and wished they would change and stop being a victim. I later realized how judgmental I was being of this client and I was demanding them to change to fit my agenda of how they should be progressing. Then it happened--I recall it vividly, walking down the hall to my office and making the decision/realization that what needed to happen was for ME to change. I had to let go of trying to control this person and have compassion for them and accept them just as they are. Our next two sessions together were some of the most healing and productive sessions ever. A large and tangible shift both of us could see had happened as a result of me letting them fully have their process.

Rachel, I feel your pain.

I am very fortunate that my friends have supported me like crazy, but I recently felt so let down by a business associate/friend that I had a little temper tantrum which is quit unlike me. We had an agreement to support each others businesses but I have been left feeling like I am doing most of supporting, promoting etc...

I had quite a bit of resentment come up around me feeling like I am always being mindful of supporting this friends endeavors when ever possible, even creating the opportunity to do so, and feeling reciprocation has been conditional. I suspect that it is around approval in how I am running my business.

I took a step back and realized that as Dan said the voices I am going to pay attention to are those of my customers and others, including my new biznik friends who have thoughtful constructive input, AND who are alright with me saying that their advice fits, or does not fit.

I am sorry though, I understand how bad this can feel and wanted to tell you so. I am out here as well if you are looking for a supportive voice.