Will you ignore the stranger next to you?

The number one way to secure to new clients is through networking. So it’s a good idea to always be expanding your network. And what better way than to strike up conversations no matter where you are – on a plane, in a restaurant, at the bus stop – because you truly never know where it will lead.

Take my friend, Jack. He travels quite a bit for work. He is a friendly guy and he doesn’t like to eat alone. So he often sits at the bar instead of a table, in the hopes of striking up a conversation. But he’s noticed something fascinating about the first few seconds with a stranger: if he doesn’t say something right away, it’s much more difficult to initiate a conversation later on.

Jack recently sat next to a guy at the bar of a barbecue restaurant in Western Massachusetts. He must have been tired that day because when he sat down, Jack didn’t say anything -- not “Hey, how ya doin’?” or a simple joke about being addicted to good barbecue. He didn’t even acknowledge the bartender. And Jack is convinced that’s why he found it impossible to strike up a conversation later on.

“If you sit down in silence and miss that tiny window of opportunity,” he told me, “the whole thing seems to get 50 times harder, because then you have to break a pre-existing silence with some kind of opening line. And that triggers a whole useless monologue in my head -- ‘He doesn’t want to talk to me. He’s got things on his mind’ -- instead of a conversation with this other person. And even worse, it feeds into the voice that says, ‘I’m so bad at this,’ and puts the focus on something that is totally unimportant.”

I love Jack’s story because it focuses on a very small networking action that every one of us has the potential to use – or not. 

You see, the first moment with a stranger – at a bar or even at a networking event – is a very important one. Will you ignore each other or will you talk?

We all know that a first impression takes hold in those first few seconds. And that’s also when the stage is set for whether you will initiate a conversation -- a conversation that could lead to a new project…a new consulting arrangement…a new collaboration…a new friend…a new idea… indeed this conversation could go anywhere.  But not if you stay silent.

This window of opportunity goes by very fast, often before anyone even notices it, and if you miss it, you can’t get it back. Fortunately, that doesn’t necessarily mean the opportunity is gone. You can still initiate a conversation; it’s just more difficult. Jack says it’s like first-strike battle tactics, where if you don’t hit hard right at the beginning it will be a longer slog later.

So from now on, remember to approach strangers with the awareness that this important moment is coming and be ready to seize it by saying something to break the ice.

Don’t use the excuse that you “just don’t know what to say.” The truth is that almost anything qualifies as an icebreaker. You can:

• …simply say, “How are you today?”
• …comment on something you see. If they’re reading, ask about the reading material. If they’re eating, ask about the food.
• …offer to share something you have, whether it’s food (I always carry good dark chocolate just for this purpose) or a newspaper.

And here are two other things to keep in mind:

1. The content of your opening line is irrelevant. It simply serves the purpose of saying “I am available to talk if you are.” A simple acknowledgment and “hello” can do the trick. It’s like sticking a wedge in the door so it won’t close.

2. The other person may be self-conscious too. So be sensitive to their openness and proceed accordingly. He or she may appreciate your effort or may not be in the mood to talk. If the response you get is a perfunctory one, don’t push. But you should absolutely not take it as a personal rejection. It has nothing to do with you.

Talking to other people is one of the best ways to learn things and set down the foundation for a relationship that could go anywhere. You don’t need to know right away where it’s going or what is possible. People’s needs are constantly changing, so even if you can’t envision any potential in that first conversation, you should still always exchange contact information (one more reason to carry your business cards everywhere you go) and stay in touch.

Plenty of amazing contacts can arise out of meeting a stranger. Take me, for example. Last year, while waiting for a client in a hotel lobby, I struck up conversation with a man who worked for a major accounting corporation. It turned out he was in the market for someone to teach a networking workshop at his company’s upcoming training conference. You can bet I’ll stay in touch with him!

This idea is also important to keep in mind when you attend events where networking is the order of the day. Recently, a web designer I know attended a seminar (that he didn’t feel like attending, by the way) and ended up sitting next to an Art Director from one of the largest Web design agencies around. Instead of not saying a word, he said, “Hello,” and struck up a conversation. Now that agency is his biggest client. And all he said was, “Hello.”

Here’s the thing to remember: the more people you talk to, the higher the odds that something wonderful and unexpected will come out of each conversation. The more people you talk to…the more irons go into the fire…the more opportunities you’ll have to grow your business and improve your life.