Loving What's Biz: Partnership with Self-awareness

(Adapted from the eBook, Transformational Inquiry:  Working on your Work, endorsed by Biznik's own Molly Gordon(!!!) and available here.)

A few years ago, I had an opportunity to live out one of my favorite expressions: "Physician, heal thyself." I was slated to do a presentation with a colleague, and we were not on the same page about  it. Instead of recognizing that we have completely different styles (I am casual and spontaneous, she is detail-oriented and a planner), and proceding from there with sanity, I found myself getting impatient and feeling controlled. In my mind she was not honoring me and my expertise. I saw her as unduly nervous and obsessed with minutiae, right down to what we would wear to the presentation. (Um...clothes? I responded.) She nixed just about everything I proposed, and I said no to pretty much everything she suggested. Eventually she (rightly) experienced me as intractable, and even abusive, and she dropped out of the presentation without discussing it with me first.

I was hurt, furious, you name it. I tried first blaming, then placating, but it was a done deal; I was left with myself and my collateral damage, so (finally!) I put it on paper, using the four questions and turnaround of Byron Katie's self-inquiry proces, The Work. (For detailed instructions, visit TheWork.com).

What I found was that I was bad at partnership -- which was the exact judgment I had aimed at my colleague -- and I examined all the ways in which I conduct business when I hold the belief that someone else doesn't know how to be a partner. Among them:  I don't listen. I am defensive. I get snippy. I am controlling. I play "tit-for-tat." I am competitive. I ascribe insincere motives to my colleague. I am impatient. (This went on for awhile; as a human being, of course I am or have been, all things human.)

Who would I be if I could never think the thought that someone is bad at partnership? I would do what I want them to do:  be a listener, a collaborator. I would consider my colleague's point of view. I would see where she is right. This doesn't mean that I have to budge from my position if I feel strongly about it. It doesn't even mean that we have to work together, this time or ever.

Without the belief :"She is not good at partnership," I would calm. I'm nervous when I see her as too nervous and when I perceive that I could lose control of the situation. What do I fear losing when I think I need control? If I could control everything and everyone, what would I have that I do not have now? What's the payoff for holding this belief.

"She is not good at partnership,"  turned around becomes "I am not good at partnership." The thoughts I had about needing the presentation to go my way impeded any opportunity for partnership. With this increase self-awareness, I can see how the ways my "I need, I want, they should" beliefs prevent good partnership in other arenas as well -- convivial and familial, to name two. 

My colleague is someone who is committed to doing a good and thorough job. She is also dedicated to living authentically. This is why I invited her to give the presention with me in the first place. I lost sight of this in the midst of my non-negotiable negotiations with her. 

After we both did our inquiry and the dust settled, we decided I would do the presentation on my own. Later, she had a change of heart, asked to be involved as originally planned, and I couldn't see a reason why not. It went quite well, all things considered.

If my colleage and I ever work together again, it will likely be with less reactivity and more honesty because of what we learned about ourselves as a result of examining our differences. Self-awareness thorugh inquiry is, for us, the key to "loving what's biz." In retrospect, I can't imagine how I ever worked with anyone without it.

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Deepening Inquiry: Are you loving what's biz?  An exercise in self-awareness.

At work, who angers or upsets you?

What exactly do they do?

What do you need them to do in order to make you happy? How should they change? Get very specific and very petty. "She should pull her weight." "They don't listen to me." "He shouldn't use that killer cologne." "She doesn't respect me."

If they did what you wanted, can you know you would be happier or better off? Should they have to change for your sake? Can you know waht is best for them?

How do you treat this person when you think they should be different? How do you speak to them? What do you avoid doing or saying? Do you give them the evil eye? What do you experience physically and mentally—fatigue, headaches, frustration, impatience? What behaviors do you revert to in order to "medicate" the stress?

What is the benefit of sticking to your position that they should be different?

Turn your thoughts around from "he" or "she" to "my thinking." Example:  "He shouldn't use that killer cologne" becomes "My thinking should not use that killer cologne." He applies it, I smell it, and my thoughts about what an insensitive lout he is continue to bombard my senses even after I've gone home for the day...so much so that I cannot ask him nicely if he'd please tone it down, or explain to him that I have chemical sensitivities.

"They don't listen to me." Turned around:  "I don't listen to them." The whole team has mutinied. Do I understand why? Can I listen to them now, deeply and literally, without defense and justification?