Please pass the truth serum.

I seem to have arrived at that place in life where my friend's parents are being diagnosed terminally ill and I am witness to the struggles they are going through as they try to make all the 'right' decisions while facing the death of someone they love.

My good friend and personal assistant has spent the last several months sharing her insider perspective on the challenges she and her sisters are facing with their parents as her father has terminal cancer.  Today she shared with me her greatest wish, "truth serum - something we could all put on the end of our tongue and for 15 minutes we would only be able to speak truthfully about our wishes at this time, for each other and for dad."

It got me to thinking that many of us try to deal with these decisions in crisis mode, and how much easier would it be to have had some frank and candid conversations when things are good instead of at a time when everyone is absorbed in their own physical and emotional pain. 

So I have taken from our conversations these past months and put together a list of 9 conversations we need to have with our spouses, partners and parents so that when we find ourselves facing end of life decisions we already have the answers.

First:  Make sure there is a valid will in place.  In the years I have been in practice, very little will compound the stress at the end of someone's life than not having a valid will for the family to turn to.  It is estimated that in our country seventy percent of Americans have not drafted a will.

Second:  Review the life insurance in place.  Now more than ever it is time for people to seriously evaluate their life insurance positions.  With investment portfolios having decreased substantially in recent months the ability for a surviving spouse to keep the home and make ends meet may significantly be impacted due to the income lost.

Third:  Know where important documents are kept.  In addition to the will, know where copies of life insurance and veteran's benefits are located.  Can you find the title to the vehicles and the deed to the home?

Fourth:  Have a systematic way to find computer and online account passwords.  In many households, one person is in charge of bill paying and account management and may have as many as twenty accounts with passwords online.  One client I worked with after her husband died unexpectedly had no idea what account passwords he used at the bank for on-line bill paying and couldn't figure out what he used for their quicken password and literally was left reconstructing all their financial documents.

Fifth:  Have a contact sheet with names, phone numbers and emails of professional advisors, including the family attorney, the CPA, the Financial Advisor, and Insurance agent will help everyone make sure that all financial affairs are attended to.

Sixth:  Give a trusted friend a spare key to your home and the code to the alarm.  When life happens often times you will need someone to get into your home; it could be to retrieve a document or simply feed the dog and cat.

Seventh:  What is their declared intent about life support and organ, eye and tissue donation?  We all think we would do the right thing for our spouse, parent or partner at that moment; however none of us will ever know for sure until we are in the moment.  Paving the way through these conversations will provide relief and comfort in at an emotionally charged time.

Eighth:  Where will the end of life care take place?  In a skilled facility, a hospice center or your own home?  For the one who is facing the end of their life it is common for them to not want to 'burden' the family more than is already happening due to the circumstances everyone is facing.  By having this conversation when everyone is healthy will set a foundation for the future.  None of us should have to wonder, "What does dad really want?"

Ninth:  Know the final wishes of those you love.  Is it their wish to be buried or cremated?  If this conversation is with someone who served in our military; do they want to be buried in a military cemetery or somewhere else? 

It becomes apparent that this checklist could go on and on however, I think you will find what many others have as well.  By coming prepared to have an open and candid conversation where everyone not only listens but hears what the others true desires are, these topics will simply pave the way for one of the most enlightening and intimate conversation we can have with those we love.

The holidays are upon us and many will be gathering with those closest to them.  Perhaps this isn't the traditional holiday conversation we might have, but imagine how thankful one day we will be.  So while you are enjoying the turkey and the trimmings put a little of my friend's truth serum on the end of your tongue and share your truest wishes and learn those of the ones you love the most.

Debbie Whitlock is a Registered Representative of, and offers securities through, Woodbury Financial Services, Inc.  Member FINRA, SIPC 3200 First Avenue S, Suite 300 Seattle, WA  98134 (206)749-5111.  Sound Financial Partners and Woodbury Financial Services, Inc. are not affiliated entities.  Neither Woodbury Financial Services,Inc., nor its registered representatives provide tax or legal advice.  As with all matters of a tax or legal nature, you should consult with your tax or legal counsel for advice.