Understanding Marital Conflict: Part One

Marital conflicts combine problems of communication, alienation or some threat to the relationships security which lead to high anxiety and erosion of the marital system.

There is a growing sense of disillusionment due to feelings of neglect, disrespect, and feeling unloved. Feelings of anger or even rage, feelings of betrayal - whether real or perceived, loneliness, abandonment and growing feelings of inadequacy all contribute to the breakdown in the marriage.

Many conflicts center around financial issues, parenting styles, sexual intimacy difficulties, and even differences in lifestyles. A couple with marital conflicts may be contemplating divorce, even though they may never have verbalized it.

Two categories of conflict

Marital conflicts can be generally categorized into two areas.

The first is a conflict that, though may be intense and disruptive, the couple desires to honor the commitment they made before God and want to work through their problems. Their level of care for each other or belief and desire to be in the relationship may exist at various levels. But they are willing to work through personal hurts and failed expectations in order to heal the marriage. The nature of the conflict may comprise difficulty in perceptions, communication skills, and external stressors but fundamentally the two want to preserve their marriage.

The second category would comprise relationship problems due to one or both partners wanting out of the relationship. The core conflict here is between one or both partners and the commitment to be married. Though there may be understandable and justifiable reasons for the union to come under question, for the committed couple, these circumstances do not cause them to want to end the relationship. So, in essence, you have one dyad of people who, regardless of the conflict, are willing to improve the relationship. In the other, regardless of the problems or the skills of the couple one or both no longer want to be in the marriage or believe they can remain in the marriage. The question becomes, Can the relationship work?, regardless of the conflict. Hence, the central question of dealing with marital conflicts is not a matter of all the various kinds of conflicts that can exist, rather it is whether or not the couple want to make the marriage work and suspend their beliefs about it not working. Commitment in the marriage is the ultimate question in marital conflict. The next part of the conflict for the Christian couple is their understanding of God's expectation of them in a committed marital relationship. To whatever degree they understand God's expectation, how willing are they to access God's help in healing their marriage?

Marital conflict resolution steps 1 & 2

Problems in the ability of the couple to resolve the conflict can be seen as hitting some barrier in the following process. First, there is an unwillingness or difficulty in applying grace to the actions of ones spouse. Both marital partners being sinners make for an understandable union of difficulty. From a Christ-like perspective we are to understand that a sinful spouse will fail in the various ways that make that person human. But we are to provide a perspective of grace or unmerited slack for the failures and frailties of the partner. Thus grace is a fundamental core belief system necessary for two people to succeed beyond their frailties. To remove grace as a core understanding of ones mate is to set up beliefs that are aimed at disappointment.

The second area of resolving conflict is forgiveness. The belief and understanding of grace set up the framework for forgiveness. Grace makes forgiveness possible through the power of Christ. Again, resistance in the form of an unwillingness or hesitancy to ask for forgiveness or provide it become the barriers in this process of healing.

Marital conflict resolution steps 3 & 4

The third area of healing in a marital conflict is the ability for a couple to reconcile their relationship, regardless of its difficulties. The belief of grace that helps one to forgive or to seek forgiveness allows for the couple to be in a working relationship that the need for forgiveness had divided. It is the willingness of the offending partner to change whatever behavior they have done so that the need for constant forgiveness does not tear apart the ability of the couple to live together with some level of harmony and trust. Forgiveness without repentance will not allow for the reconciliation alone. The couple constantly would be thrown into dealing with unresolved problems, which may be repeatedly forgiven. The need for forgiveness presents a barrier for the trust, safety, and consistency needed in a reconciled relationship.

The last phase of healing a marital conflict is restoration of the relationship. Reconciliation allows for the day-to-day interchange of a couple to exist. The quality of that day-to-day interchange is based on both partners actively seeking to apply God's love and marital principles with each other. Reconciliation, through the willingness of the couple to live together and do these things, sets the final stage of restoration that can match or exceed the relationship to a level of emotional and spiritual trust that the relationship once had. The continuing goal of marriage, regardless of the circumstances between people is to have a Christ-centered, healthy, vibrant and fulfilling marriage.