How often do you celebrate progress made in any of your endeavors? Most of us claim that it's easier to say, "Thank you!" to a police officer who has just given us a speeding ticket than to acknowledge our own strengths or past successes.
Acknowledging what others do comes more naturally to some of us but acknowledging ourselves for what we do is almost unheard of-even sacrilegious in most of the world's traditions.
To go one step further in audaciousness, imagine acknowledging how you and others are being. This is virtually unheard of to all but those trained to offer such perspectives, i.e., ontological coaches, compassion-based therapists, Buddhist Lamas, etc.
In my training as a Life Direction Coach, I've learned:
"When we acknowledge the person, we are addressing who the person is being and not solely what they are doing. We address the person's attitude, intention, presence, commitment, connection, ability, approach, vision, and way of being, rather than their action (e.g., they are passionate, determined, detailed, helpful, authentic, etc.)" ~
Consider that much of what we do with our time (sleep or work) is done with a secret desire to have our most cherished and life-long needs met. We dream to be seen, heard, understood, known and loved. Self-acknowledgement provides this experience. No need to be placed on hold for someone else to give us that message.
The price we pay in waiting for acknowledgement to come from OUTSIDE ourselves is infinite. For Buddhists, longing for happiness to come from "out there" or "through doing"-as if there were something fundamentally wrong here-is the precise practice of (and recipe for more) suffering.
"Among humans, you are not just auspicious, you are unique: Your behavior can neither increase nor diminish your value." ~ Buddha
When I recall all the clients I've worked with since the beginning, I've noticed that feelings of success rarely come to those who are the most "Type A." You know the ones I mean: those who are perfectionistic, acutely self-critical or anxiously driven to succeed- What's worse: if any achievement of a goal does arrive, it is just as quickly on its way out as if it were bustling through a revolving door. This soul-deadening routine (rut) is inevitable because achieving that which leads to praise (or blame) for our doing neither speaks to nor inspires our being. "I met my goal? Great, what's next?" Like an ambitious Olympic horse trainer, we skip the celebration of our unique expression and return our focus to training and doing whatever it takes for that next race to be won. Too often we whip "the racehorse" and believe that such disciplining will produce measurable success and future satisfaction. Treating ourselves like dastardly "things" always backfires; perhaps not for the first 40 years, but our day will come. If we only knew how much satisfaction would emerge if we were to speak to ourselves, our being, like horse-whisperers-bringing forth authentic capacity, offering tender affection, sending out compassion, building trust, affirming touch and generating faith in every creatures essential goodness, etc.-we would not waste one more moment using any kind of force as a motivational method. More and more educational research shows that the relationship between acknowledgement and results is impossible to deny. And yet, what I'm speaking of here is acknowledgement that is used neither to motivate nor "to get the best performance" (this would be manipulation through praise). Rather, I'm referring to using acknowledgement to connect to the other, "Inspiration comes forth from within. It is what the light burning within you is about, as opposed to motivation, which is doing it because if you don't do it, there will be negative repercussions." ~ Abraham-Hicks My own practice of acknowledgement seems to ripple out from my center when I begin with myself. I notice that the more I practice offering it in specific ways as a coach, the more people genuinely connect to their essence, their purpose for being; they then more-naturally achieve and accomplish their desires by being motivated from within (not "to please"). Acknowledgement also seems to improve my own ability to be self-directed. When I acknowledge or connect with my natural giftedness, I am inspired. When I'm inspired, I feel coming into view a clearer picture of what I am wanting, who and how I am and that is when I notice seemingly-magical forces come into play to positively affect outcomes. Fundamentally, we all want to do good work and offer our best to the places and relationships in which we find ourselves. Experiment with acknowledging who and how you are being and watch the best emerge in yourself and those around you. Are you coming from your essence? How might you return to your authenticity-your greatest gift to the world? When you practice celebrating your smallest steps of progress toward any creative risk you take, you'll notice that you may feel uncomfortable, silly or even false. Keep at it, and you will ultimately come to feel the "rightness" of this truth and, just as important, you'll see yourself extending this magic to all within three feet of you. Don't forget, acknowledgement is a viralpractice; it is as contagious as it is eternal.
Jennifer Manlowe, founder of Life Design Unlimited, is a life direction counselor and certified publishing coach helping people step out to authorize their lives. Her books can be found at http://Authorizeu.com
Learn more about the author, Jennifer Manlowe, PhD, CPC.
Thank you Jennifer. This one really hit home.
It is interesting, when ever I do something for others and it is really appreciated. I don't recognize within myself the contribution I made to the other persons experience.
And when I am thanked, I feel uncomfortable.
Most often whether for myself or others, the things I do are rarely good enough, in my mind, to warrant celebration or even simple acknowledgement.
Thank you for giving me pause to reflect.
I'm honored to hear your take on this, Dave. I know you're not alone in "forgetting" to absorb others' gratitude for the gift of your presence--the best offering. It's easier to rebuff a compliment than feel the discomfort of sitting in the unfamiliar...it can bring up old feelings of "I forgot to let myself feel like this, and feeling anything is feeling lots of things," right?
Keep writing and please rate this article -- it looks so gray without a meaningless/ful number. :)
This is something that is fundamental and important to help the spirit find peace. Jennifer you've made me want to learn all I can about horse-whisperers, because I need to know what they do so I can adopt it to myself. I've been whipping my horse for too long.
Hello Jennifer, Thank you for this article! It provided very good food for thought for me, and reminded me of my work with clients, and the value and importance of noticing and acknowledging how someone is "being." It is very valuable to hear how someone might articulate concepts I am somewhat familiar with from another discipline. I'm studying to become a Clinical Psychologist. There are some wonderful nuggets of truth in this article. I think this is one of those articles one could benefit from reading at least once a month, to be reminded of an important practice. :>
Wow, thank you so much both Houston and Merilee. Your "take" on this article is such a pleasant surprise. I'm so glad to know that what supports both my clients and myself can also support you and your work with others.
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